


You're The Reason My Heart Even Beats

by lemoncakes



Category: Journey to Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Fingerfucking, Fluff and Angst, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, M/M, Smut, Virgin Reader, also can we talk about hot hot kylo is lol?, betraying the first order, but also me just doing whatever, but he's nice to you, but yikes. he is SO hot anyway, i am literally making up all the engineering, i have no idea or knowledge of engineering, i mean i know that's why i even started writing this, kind of cannon with the force awakens, kylo is very into you, you do not take his shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:54:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 59,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28323441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemoncakes/pseuds/lemoncakes
Summary: "I'm not going to beg you for anything," I snapped, crossing my arms defiantly."Is that what you think?" He smirked, closing the distance between us in just a few strides of his long legs. He had me pinned against the wall, placed a bruising grip on my hip and positioned his other hand around my jaw so that I had to stare into his bright eyes. "I'm sure I can change your mind."---You're a flight engineer for the infamous First Order. This means running to repair any and all problems that might befall any of the ships. But your job becomes way more interesting when Commander Ren becomes obsessed with you.But after he learns of your secret and you find out what the First Order is really doing in the galaxy — you realise you cannot support it.You grab a Stormtrooper that you've befriended and with help from the Best Pilot In The Resistance, you escape the First Order's clutches.Little do you know that Kylo Ren will go to whatever extremes necessary in order to hunt you down and bring you back to him. You are his, after all.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Ben Solo/Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader, Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 71
Kudos: 222





	1. Chapter 1

Let’s be honest:

I loved my job.

Sure, it was always unpredictable and always different — but that’s what I loved about it. Everyday was something new; a new problem for my brain to wrap around and solve. That’s what made it worth getting out of bed for.

I was a flight engineer, the person everyone ran to whenever one of the Tie Fighter’s engines were busted or when somebody couldn’t get a plane to launch. I wasn’t exactly the most important person in the First Order, but they still needed me. Without me — and well my crew — none of these damn planes would make it out of the air hanger, let alone fly around to different planets.

“Hey, Y/N,” one of the members on my crew called out to me. “Heading down to the cafeteria? I’ll join you.”

I smiled and waved back to him. “Hey, Ig. How was your project yesterday?”

We fell into step together, walking down to breakfast. We greeted a few generals that we passed along the way, giving frank and polite salutes as they passed by, ignoring us completely.

“Dude, just pray that you never get the Command Shuttle shift,” Ig grimaced. “I can’t even get into the detail of just how badly busted up that control system was."

“From what?” I laughed, “did they take damage from another ship?”

Ig hesitated before he answered, “uh, no it wasn’t from any rival ship’s cannons or anything.”

“Then what could it have been?” I asked him, pushing open the door to the cafeteria and grabbing two trays for both of us. I handed him one as we both joined the queue, standing behind some fellow Stormtroopers.

Ig seemed nervous, lowering his voice and leaning in closer to me in order to ensure I would be the only one to hear him. “It was damaged by a lightsaber.”

I audibly gasped — something that caused Ig to grab my arm tightly and shoot me a warning glare. The Stormtrooper that stood in front of us turned around quizzically. Ig let go of me quickly and looked dumbfounded at our new conversation’s new audience.

“Uh, Ig was saying that a new ship might come into the hangar today,” I said quickly so that the Stormtrooper wouldn’t be curious. “I was just excited about the model of plane.”

This seemed to satiate the hulking mass in front of us, because they turned around without another sound. I turned back to Ig and made an apologetic face. I knew what he was telling me: only one man carried a lightsaber aboard this ship and had a temper bad enough to completely ruin an entire control system. A man that we definitely, one hundred percent, should not be talking about.

Both of us were quiet after that, collecting our food portions and eating side-by-side in silence. I understood Ig’s apprehension to discuss the matter in further detail. He didn’t want to be caught gossiping about the infamous Commander and have to face the extent of his wrath firsthand.

“What’s your first assignment?” Ig asked, finally breaking the silence as we walked out of the cafeteria and down the hall toward the engine rooms.

I rubbed the back of my neck and sighed. “I have to see to General Hux’s personal aircraft. Something is making a loud whining noise that is apparently driving him insane.”

“He asked you to come himself?” Ig was impressed.

“No,” I laughed, “he just asked for any old mechanic. Phasma’s the one who flagged me down because she checked the roster and saw that I had a spare shift.”'

“Your spare shift!” Ig made a pained noise. “Damn, you worked eight hours straight to get that.”

“I know,” I mumbled back, “but that’s the First Order for you. They don’t care about that.”

Ig and I entered separate engine rooms, collected our bags full of all the tools we would need for the day and bid each other a quick goodbye. I didn’t catch what his first assignment was, but anything had to be better than catering to the pale, miserable Hux.

As I walked toward the aircraft hangar, I was half praying that Hux would be nowhere near his treacherous plane and that I would be able to make it a quick and painless job. Hopefully nobody would be around to distract me — making it easier for me to find the problem, fix it and leave before I had to encounter anyone that might ruin my day with snide words.

But as always: I have the absolute worst luck.

I found Hux’s plane, typed in the access code and the doors opened with a swift whoosh.

“Right, let’s see what’s making you so angry,” I muttered to myself as I slid underneath the ship’s engines.

A few cut wires, a prodding here and there, a rewiring of this and a reattaching of that and I figured that the job was done. It seemed that a panel that had shifted out of place during a precarious landing had started ratting amongst the others — probably the reason why the engine was whining so much.

I smiled to myself, sliding out from the engines and wiping my hands clean of the grease and dust that had been acquired. It was just as I wanted: a quick, easy job and with nobody around to yell at me. I was going to be able to make it to my second shift with a smile on my face since I hadn’t had to come into contact with that miserable worm of a man, Hux.

Except just as I walked out of the engine room of Hux’s ship, I smacked into a brick wall and fell flat on my ass — my tools clattering and sprawling on the floor of the ship with sharp, loud bangs that seemed to echo their way around the room.

But when I looked up, it wasn’t a brick wall. It was a black mass. Oh shit. Oh, no.

“Commander,” I gasped, fear soaking its way through my bloodstream. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you. Forgive my-”

“Get up,” Commander Ren snapped. His voice was metallic, robotic even as the heavy black helmet he wore filtered out the sound of his real voice. Not an inch of his skin was visible — even his hands were covered in thick leather gloves.

I scrabbled to my feet instantly, not even daring to bend down and gather up my tools that had spilled out of their toolbag. Commander Ren seemed to loom before me, this hulking black leather mountain that stood before me.

“Are you always this clumsy girl?” He snarled, stepping closer to me. “Always so distracted that you don’t notice your Commander standing in the same room as you?”

I gulped, feeling the anger radiating off of him. I had never met Commander Ren before — it’s not exactly like my job meant lots of interactions with my superiors. I usually just faded in and out of the background, running from one ship to the next and remaining unnoticed by everyone other than my own crew.

“Forgive me, Commander,” I said quietly, casting my gaze down to the floor.

He stepped even closer to me, his body only inches away from my own. Since, my gaze was fixed to the floor, I could see his black boots only one step away from my own shoes.

I felt his smooth leather fingers perch themselves under my chin, tipping my head up to meet his eyes — or what would have been his eyes if he wasn’t wearing some ridiculous helmet. That’s all I could see of him, so I stared into the black slit of where I figured his eyes would be. I didn’t want to let him know just how much he intimidated me.

“What work are you doing here?” He asked, his voice much quieter and a lot less strict than it had been before.

“General Hux requested an inspection of his ship, Commander,” I answered, trying to keep my voice steady. I figured I should elaborate before he got a chance to ask me another question. “There just seemed to be a small issue with a loose panel. I managed to fix the problem and this ship should fly smoothly now.”

“I see,” he spoke evenly. “And you haven’t seen the General, have you?”

I tried to shake my head but his fingers under my chin made the movement very slight. But, he understood what I meant nonetheless. Commander Ren was quiet for a few seconds, the slight rise and fall of his shoulders as he breathed was the only indication that he hadn’t turned to stone. He recoiled his touch from me suddenly, taking a few steps backwards and increasing the distance between us.

It felt like he had also loosened a hold on my lungs, the air filling and releasing from my chest much easier now that he wasn’t hulking over me anymore.

“I came here looking for General Hux,” he said matter-of-factly. “I didn’t expect to encounter such insubordination instead.”

  
I did a double-take and with a jerk I snapped, “In-In… Insubordination? I didn’t purposely run into you! It was just an accident, I didn’t see you!”

And realising what I had done, I clapped a hand to my mouth and stood dumbfounded before the Commander. The Commander that I had just snapped at and lost my temper with. Oh, I was so dying today. Goodbye Ig! Please mourn me after the Commander rips me to pieces. I knew all about the Commander’s bad temper, I should have known better than to snap at him.

He started toward me with a jolt, his hand outstretched and finding its home around my neck. His fingers wrapped neatly around my throat as he walked me backward into the wall behind me. I gave an oof! as my back hit the wall of Hux’s ship. His grip around my throat wasn’t hard — it was firm, yes, but it didn’t restrict my airflow in anyway. It was almost… gentle… if you could even call it that.

Commander Ren pinned me to the wall, brought his helmeted face to my left ear and practically snarled. “What did you just say to me?”

I swallowed, which was a little more difficult considering he had his leather hand pressing into the sides of my throat. “I was just trying to say that I didn’t mean any offence, Commander.”

“And yet you speak to a superior officer in such a way?” he said dryly. “Did you not learn the polite way to speak during training?”

“I—I did, Sir,” I stuttered out, “forgive my momentary lapse.”

“You’re lucky that I’m too busy right now,” he trilled softly into my ear. “Otherwise I would have to accept your forgiveness in a different way.”

He released me, turning on his heel and disappearing out of the airship in a matter of a few seconds. I stood breathing heavily against the wall, my fingers ghosting over my throat from where he had gripped it. I noticed that he had made sure to focus his attention to the sides of my throat and not the front of it — ensuring that I could breathe easily always.

Why the fuck did I have to be called in during my free shift?


	2. You Heard What I Said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your services are needed aboard another ship. But guess who that ship belongs to?

I clenched my fists as I walked down the hallway toward what could only be the biggest scolding of my life. I had really messed up big time and honestly, only the Supreme Leader could get me out of this one. You know, if he wasn’t a hulking pile of scary ass shit and well, cared about a lowly air mechanic.

I knocked on the door tentatively, the metal cold under my knuckles and waited for the robotic voice to reply, “enter!”

I instantly saluted, acknowledging my superior’s position above me and trying to show my utmost respect. “Captain Phasma, you requested to see me?”

Phasma’s metallic body seemed to shine under the flourescent lighting, glinting as she moved across the room towards me. She stopped just out of arms reach and well, if she was trying to be intimidating — let me tell you it was very much working.

“It has come to my attention that the failure of Tie Fighter 44222 was due to your negligence,” her voice was monotone as it reverberated out of her mask. “Are these facts correct?”

I hesitated. I didn’t want to show any sort of disrespect but I also didn’t want to get tossed into the heat for this. It wasn’t exactly my fault — but how was I going to let my Captain know without completely throwing one of the pilots under the bus?

I sighed. “It was an error I didn’t see beforehand, Captain. My apologies.” Damn. That pilot owed me his life for taking the fall for him like this.

“Your apologies?” Phasma hissed through her mask. “What good are your apologies when we could have lost an entire vessel due to your carelessness?”

I bowed my head to her, not sure what to say in response. I bit my tongue in order not to blurt out that I really had nothing to do with this. I had made sure to tell that damn pilot that the engine needed to cool down for another few hours before he could fly it. Was it my fault that he had elected to ignore me and gone ahead and nearly blown up half the ship?

“You will put in six extra shifts without recompense,” Phasma said firmly and I had to stifle a groan that wanted to rack through my body.

“Yes Captain,” I nodded and she dismissed me with a quick wave of her hand.

I groaned as soon as I was outside the room, practically stomping all the way down the corridor as my anger bubbled inside of me. Ig caught me outside the engine rooms, steering me into a corner so that he could quietly interrogate me.

“What did she give you?” he asked after I had finished giving him a rundown.

“Six extra shifts, no pay,” I mumbled angrily. “I swear to the Supreme Leader that I’m going to pummel that pilot.”

“I don’t understand why you took the fall for this anyway,” Ig chided me. “You’re lucky it’s just shifts and not something worse.”

  
  
“There’s a limited number of us aboard this shuttle,” I explained my reasoning. “But there’s a lot of pilots. I didn’t want him to be executed for his error and I knew that my punishment wouldn’t be as bad. They wouldn’t be able to keep this ship running without us.”

Ig wasn’t moved. “That’s more reckless and stupid than it is admirable. He didn’t listen to your instructions, that’s on him.”

I patted Ig on the arm sombrely. “Doesn’t mean he has to die over his mistake.”

I pushed past Ig into the main engine room and picked up my next shift’s assignment. The truth was sometimes it was a little harder being one of the few female engineers aboard this craft. Sometimes, people just tuned me out and ignored my words, feeling like they knew more than I did. If they wanted to study stupid mechanics for six years, then they could be my guest.

I tried not to let it get to me when people heeded Ig’s word over mine if we were working on a project together. Tried not to get frustrated when they always asked for a second opinion if I had been consulted on a job and tried not to scream when they talked over me.

But I did love my job. It had its good moments. These were some of the best and most advanced ships in the whole galaxy. You didn’t throw up an opportunity to study and work on ships of this calibre and size. So, I usually bit my tongue and went to work on whatever my next assignment was.

Today, I had a shared shift with one of the other engineers, working on one of the larger ships that had taken a substantial amount of battle damage. I was too engrossed with who the other engineer was to notice just exactly what ship I was to be working on.

Of all the partners I could have gotten, I had to get the one of the worst: Mink. Not only did he think he was the smartest one of us, but he was also just a major creep. Ig shot me a sympathetic look when he read over my roster, knowing just how much bad blood was between me and this guy.

I met Mink a little over twenty minutes later, waiting patiently in the hangar for the ship we were to be working on to come back from its mission. I stood awkwardly to the side, willing that the empty space in the docking bay would just suddenly fill so that I could get to work and leave as quickly as possible.

“I heard you fucked up with Phasma today,” Mink leered. Well, that didn’t take long.

“I didn’t realise that news travelled so quickly,” I replied bluntly. I wanted to let this creep know that I was not up for conversation. He of course, did not get the hint.

“So what did you do?” he pressed, “must’ve been pretty bad if Phasma called you in personally.”

“Phasma calls the Stormtroopers in for merely taking off their helmets,” I pointed out.

“The word is that you’re the reason that there was that big accident today.”

“I guess we’ll never know the truth.”

Mink inched closer to my side and I made a point of staring straight ahead of me. I clutched my toolbag in a tighter grasp as nervous wound its way through me. What was it about this guy that just freaked me out so bad? Why couldn’t sweet-tempered Ig have been my partner instead?

“Maybe you just need to brush up on your studies,” Mink sneered, “I would not be opposed to teaching you sometime.”

  
  
“I think I’m good — oh thank the stars, there’s the ship,” I said as the ship we were going to be working on pulled into the hangar. It felt like a punch smacked into my stomach as I recognised what ship this was exactly. It was massive, bigger than any of the normal cruisers which was its dead give-away.

The ship docked and its large doors slid open with a hissing noise but what really sent a shiver up my spine was the scary looking men that came stumbling out of it. The Knights of Ren. This was their ship. I’d known how formidable and dangerous they were — everyone aboard this craft knew their reputation of destruction and chaos. All to match their leader.

They must’ve run into something bad during their mission, something that had fucked up this ship pretty bad because I could see the smoke radiating off of it. Just from standing outside I could already pinpoint three blaster cannons that needed my attention.

I picked up my bag, momentarily forgetting Mink as I rushed toward the ship’s areas of distress. The interior was much bigger than it let on from the outside and I got lost a few times on my way down to the engines. I passed Mink on one of my rounds, fiddling with one of the blaster cannons and he shot me such a creepy smile that I shut myself in the engine room and vowed to stay there till I was sure he had left.

It wasn't exactly an easy fix. It took me a few hours to fix the most damaged areas of the engines. Some of the damage had definitely been caused due to blaster cannons from another ship. The Knights of Ren must have encountered some Resistance planes along the way. That, or their negotiations on the planets hadn't gone as planned. 

When I was finished doing what I needed to do, I wiped my hands on my overalls and headed up the steps and out of the engine room. Unfortunately for me, Mink didn’t leave and move on to his next shift like I’d hoped he would. He had waited for me in the main room of the ship, pretending to still be fiddling with a control panel that I _knew_ worked because I had fixed it on my way down.

“Ah, Y/N,” he spoke as he saw me, “there you are. You disappeared so quickly down there that I didn’t get a chance to talk.”

“I’m sorry, Mink,” I said in a rush, “I have to get to my next shift. Phasma assigned me six extra for this week and I can’t be slacking.”

Mink held out a hand as I tried to walk past him, blocking my only exit point. Oh _stars_ , you had to be joking.

  
  
“Listen, Y/N,” Mink said, coming a little closer to me. “I know you get off at six tonight. Why don’t I meet you for a drink?”

“I don’t know, Mink,” I muttered, “I’m kind of tired. Maybe another time, okay?”

Mink scowled at me irritably. “Why? So you can go run off with Ig?”

  
  
“What? No, it’s not like that,” I said, shocked at the accusation. “Ig and I are just friends.”

  
  
“Then if you’re just friends,” Mink insisted, placing a hand on my arm, “what stops you from going to get a drink with me? Plus, I know you’d be interested in a little more too.”

This man was seriously repulsive. I tried to pry his sweaty hand off of my arm but it didn’t budge. Stars, this was so uncomfortable.

Instead, I tried to come up with another excuse.

“I don’t know Mink—” I began but was instantly cut off by a booming voice.

“Is _this_ what the engineers do when they’re on duty?” a loud and very angry voice thundered from behind me. I didn’t even need to turn around to know who it belonged to. This was _his_ ship after all.

Mink’s eyes went wide with terror and he dropped his hold on me instantly. I hadn’t even realised how hard he had been gripping me till he let go. I instinctively reached to rub my arm and alleviate it of the throbbing pain as I turned to face the owner of such an angry voice.

“C-C-Commander,” Mink stuttered out, instantly dropping his body into a short bow.

“Answer me!” Commander Ren demanded. “Is this how the engineers are serving the First Order? By chatting up women?”

I almost opened my mouth to answer him when I realised he wasn’t talking to me. His question was directed toward Mink and I was not about to answer it for him. Mink was going to have to get out of this one himself. 

“No, Sir,” Mink said meekly. “I was just trying to invite a friend—”

“Shut up,” Commander Ren roared, “I know what you were really asking.”

  
  
I stood very awkwardly to the side, letting the Commander take out all his anger on Mink whilst I just rubbed the sore patch of my arm. Damn, Mink really knew how to dig his hands into someone.

“Sir, I promise it wasn’t like that.” Mink was starting to shake as he desperately tried to dig himself out of this hole. It was pointless though, Commander Ren had heard our conversation, he had heard Mink coming onto me. I found myself hoping that he’d also heard me denying Mink’s advances. I didn’t want him to think I was acting inappropriately as well during work hours. "I was trying to tell Y/N that I'm not interested-"

“You _dare_ lie to me?” The Commander’s anger was only rising and Mink was only escalating it. He thrust his hand out and Mink went flying into the wall, smacking into it so hard that he fell to his knees.

I let out a gasp, my hand flying to my mouth at the action but the Commander remained unperturbed. Was he going to fling me into the wall as well?

“Get out,” the Commander finished in a firm tone. “You two shall never speak about anything other than work again. If I catch you, or hear of it, there will be severe consequences.”

I knew that a big part of what made the Commander so scary was his helmet and deep booming robot voice. It certainly had Mink scrabbling to his knees and dashing out of the room.

I gathered my bag quickly and made to leave as well. The Commander did not have to order me twice to get out of a room that he was in. But before I could take more than a few steps, his attention focused on me as if he had just noticed that I was here too.

“Not you,” he instructed. “Did I dismiss you?”

I turned slowly to face him, in all his black robes and glory. “No, Commander.”

  
  
“Your behaviour as of late has been proving to be unacceptable,” the Commander drawled at me. “Not only do I hear that due to your oversight a ship was almost completely blown up, but I catch you aboard my ship — fraternising.”

“I didn’t!” I defended myself. Where the fuck had this confidence suddenly come from? I was speaking back to my superior, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. “I was telling him no, but he wasn’t listening to me. If you heard what he was saying to me then surely you must’ve heard me denying his advances.”

The Commander was silent, regarding me in quiet thought. The fact that I couldn’t see his facial expressions made it very hard for me to discern whether or not I was still in shit.

“And this morning wasn’t my fault either,” I tried to explain. I wasn’t about to take shit from Commander Ren of all people for the pilot’s error. “I told the pilot not to fly till the engines were cooled. He decided he knew better than me.”  
  
The Commander seemed to soften slightly. Slightly. He was still a mountain of anger and spite.

“And why was this information absent in the report that Phasma handed to me?” the Commander asked me.

I didn’t know how to answer this question. If I said that I lied to Phasma and allowed her to write up a false report, then I feared what the Commander’s reaction would be. He probably believed that people deserved to pay for their incompetence and that the pilot should be executed. He would have thought my decision to protect the pilot a stupid one and he would punish me. I really could not work any more extra shifts. 

“Well?” he said impatiently, “I will not ask a second time.”

  
  
“I neglected to include that information,” I mumbled. Then in a desperate attempt to show my respect and soften any anger he might generate, I added: “ _Commander_.”

He stepped closer toward me. Any moment now he was going to stretch his hand out and send me plummeting into the wall behind me. I almost cringed as he shifted, anticipating the hard crash of my body. What did he look like without that stupid helmet on?

“I really like the way that sounds coming out of your mouth.”

I blinked in surprise. What? There was no way in the universe that he had just said that. He must’ve thrown me so hard into the wall that I smacked my head against it and had started hallucinating.

“What?” I mumbled, so confused in this situation that I was sure that Mink was about to pop out from somewhere and yell: ‘Gotcha!’.

He moved into my space, his helmeted face towering over me, his body inches from my own. If I just decided to lean my body forward, it would be met with his. He cupped a gloved hand around my cheek, the leather smooth and warm against my skin.

“You heard what I said,” he declared and I swear — I swear — that even through the filter that distorted his voice, I could almost hear him smirking.

“I— C-C…” I couldn’t even formulate a clear, coherent sentence.

The moment passed quickly though. The Commander stepped away from me suddenly, waving his hand.

“You’re dismissed, go to your next shift. I’m sure they have another ship they need you to blow up somewhere.”


	3. Is That What You Really Want?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> General Hux needs your help inspecting potential ships for the first order. You make a new Stormtrooper friend along the way! But Hux is grossly incompetent and guess who ends up coming to help right his mistakes?

The one good thing to come from my second encounter with Commander Ren was that now Mink would hardly even look at me. The man did not even so much as acknowledge my presence anymore, quickly leaving any room that I was in. It almost made me smile knowing that Mink would never again direct his creepy energy toward me again.

“What did you do to him?” Ig laughed as Mink quickly ducked out of the cafeteria after he caught sight of me. “I distinctively remember him being obsessed with you last week.”

  
  
“Commander Ren caught him flirting with me,” I leaned in and whispered to Ig. His eyes widened as I spoke, “and he threatened that if Mink was ever caught talking to me again that he would… y’know.”

Ig nodded, understanding what I couldn’t exactly voice. “I can’t believe you actually met Kylo Ren in the flesh. What was he like?” Ig kept his voice soft so that the few others in the cafeteria couldn’t accidentally eavesdrop.

I sighed, not even knowing where to start with that one. Commander Ren was not at all how I expected him to be. Actually, the way he yelled at Mink and flung him into the wall was _exactly_ what I expected of him. But the way he spoke to me… the way he was with me was so… I had no idea what that was.

“He’s scary,” I managed, which wasn’t untrue. He was terrifying. “He used the force on Mink.”

Ig whistled and I knew I had just piqued his curiosity even more. “What did he do?”

  
  
“Just flung him into the wall after Mink tried to lie to him,” I explained and before Ig could even ask I added, “he didn’t use it on me.”

“No wonder Mink won’t so much as look at you anymore,” Ig said, “guess that’s good though, isn’t it?”

I nodded, relieved that that creepy bastard was not apart of my life anymore. Ig and I said goodbye after breakfast as his attention was needed elsewhere. I had neglected to get my work assignment as I woke up this morning, so I had to traipse to the engine room to retrieve my schedule.

I needed to report to the air hangar in thirty minutes, but my instructions failed to explain what exactly I was going to be doing there. I just needed to wait for General Hux by his personal aircraft.

I figured that the General had questions pertaining to his ship — or maybe the panel had come loose again and he wanted to shout at me for it? But no, I made sure that everything was working smoothly with Hux’s ship just because I desperately wanted to avoid any contact with him. So what could this be about?

Hux was twenty minutes late and I had to stand at attention by his ship whilst waiting for him. Once I caught sight of him coming up the ramp, I almost sighed in relief that he wasn’t going to make me wait a full hour before he arrived. He was flanked by a few Stormtroopers that walked perfectly in sync with each other as they approached me.

The Stormtroopers carried blasters in their arms but I didn’t take too much notice of them.I was constantly surrounded by the Troopers and I had become used to their presence. They were a heck of a lot more comfortable to be around than my superior officers. At least with the Troopers I didn’t have to constantly keep up proper decorum like I had to in the presence of my superiors.

“You must be the engineer assigned to this job. Ms…” Hux trailed as he stood in front of me. I instantly saluted and told him my surname. He nodded in acknowledgment and clasped his hands behind his back as he straightened his posture in front of me.

“Right, you will be accompanying me today to a nearby planet,” Hux informed me. “We are going to be making a deal with the planet’s elected official.”

  
  
I couldn’t exactly understand why I would be needed for this. I had hardly ever left the main ship since I had arrived on it. All of my work was _here_ — what the stars did they need an engineer for during a diplomatic meeting?

“The planet is going to be selling us some ships,” Hux started to explain after noticing my apprehension. “We need an engineer to inspect them and make sure they are up to code. We do not want any faulty, un-usable ships and so you must ensure that we do not get cheated during this trade.”

I nodded, saluting again to the General as he turned and boarded the aircraft without another word. I waited for the pilot to start boarding the craft before I joined them, taking my seat at the very back of the craft behind the Troopers.

Hux hadn’t said what planet we were going to, but I was hoping it would be a tropical one. Hopefully not a desert or a tundra. But I wasn’t dressed for anything extreme and Hux hadn’t told me to change so maybe we weren’t going anywhere too bad. Unless Hux just didn’t care whether I was comfortable or not on this trip.

The journey was roughly three hours and I strained my neck to see above all the heads in front of me. I was trying to catch a glimpse of the planet from out the windows, but the view was obscured by everyone sitting in front of me. Eventually we landed and everyone stood up, stretching their legs and moving to leave the ship. I left last, allowing myself to melt into the background.

The planet was beautiful. We had landed in the middle of a wildflower field, the ship even crushing flowers where it had landed. I had never seen so much life before and I couldn’t believe I had been lucky enough to get assigned to this job. Ig was going to be _so_ jealous when I told him.

I was busy enjoying the feeling of the sun on my skin when Hux’s sharp call of my name pulled me out of my euphoria.

“Yes, General?” I answered.

“We will go into the town,” Hux said gesturing to the Stormtroopers and himself. “Once we have met with our trader, we will inform FN-2187 and he will bring you to the ships for inspection. Hopefully we can wrap up quickly and be on our way shortly.”

Hux jumped aboard a vehicle with the other Stormtroopers, leaving one behind and they all disappeared from my sight. I figured that Hux wouldn’t have wanted me around to meet whoever this planet’s officials were. It was a formal event and a lowly engineer like myself would have just been dead-weight. Besides, there was honestly nothing I wanted more than to lie down in this field and soak in the rich smell of the flowers that were growing here.

“I suppose you’re also here to guard me?” I asked the Stormtrooper. What was his name again? FN-21 something.

“I assure you that no harm will come to you,” he stated monotonously, shifting with the blaster in his grip.

“I’m not concerned about that,” I said, dropping to sit in amongst the flowers. What harm could possibly befall me in such a beautiful place? “Do you want to sit here with me?”

He hesitated, not wanting to look unprofessional in anyway. This was the only downside of the Stormtroopers; they were really ingrained to basically be these walking, talking robots.

“Hux is gone,” I stated, trying to convince him. “He’s going to signal through your transmitter when he needs us to come meet him. Really, you won’t be caught.”

This seemed to persuade him and he made his way to sit down a few metres away from me. There was a _whoosh_ as he removed his helmet and set it down on the grass next to him. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to soak up the warmth of the sun as it hit his chocolate skin.

“I’m Y/N,” I offered, smiling at his tranquil state of being.

“FN-2187,” he said, opening his eyes and mirroring my smile when he noticed it. “Sorry for taking off my helmet — I just haven’t felt the sun or breathed fresh air in ages.”

“I promise that I won’t tell,” I laughed. “I know what you mean though. I’ve been cooped up on the main ship for what seems like forever now.”

“I’ve never seen so many colours before,” FN-2187 mentioned, pointing to all the flowers that surrounded us. “I didn’t realise they could come in this many shades.”

  
  
“Me either,” I admitted, “I haven’t seen flowers that weren’t in a stall and being sold.”

He and I made casual smalltalk, talking briefly about the Commander’s temper for a while before we fell into a comfortable silence. I liked this Trooper’s quick wit — a quality that had been snuffed out of any of the other Troopers I had spoken with. I actually found myself laughing at his words, something that I only really did when Ig and I were hanging out together.

I don’t know how long FN-2187 and I lay there, content to just listen to the wildlife and at some point, I started to fall asleep. I was awoken by a trill that came from his direction and when I opened my eyes and squinted at him, he had put his helmet back on and was motioning for me to get up.

Well, there goes my one moment of absolute peace. I’d never felt so calm before and it would be a long time till I felt that calm again.

—-

  
Hux was angry when we met up with him an hour later. Something told me to just keep my mouth shut as he ranted about how wrong this deal was starting to turn. I followed along as Hux led our group toward where the ships were, sticking close to the side of my new friend.

“He asked for _way_ too much money,” Hux fumed, more to himself than to us. “More than we had previously agreed upon. The Supreme Leader is not going to be happy about this.”

As we neared the shipyard, I noticed a very very familiar ship that was also parked here. In fact, so familiar that it was only a few days ago that I had just worked on it. Oh stars.

Hux caught sight of the ship too, stopping dead in his tracks when he recognised it. If he wasn’t angry before, he was absolutely furious now and his face started to bleed red with his fury.

“He’s here? Why the fuck would he need to come here?” Hux snapped angrily. Oh Hux, you snatched the words straight out of my mouth.

We followed behind a stomping Hux as we approached the official that the trade was taking place with. Unfortunately, the official was not alone. There he was, standing in his usual black robes and his silver helmet glinting as the sun reflected off of it.

“Commander Ren,” Hux said through gritted teeth, “what brings you here?”

“The Supreme Leader informed me that my services were needed,” the Commander replied bluntly. “I informed him of the changes in this deal and he decided it was not acceptable.”

Hux’s hands clenched into fists by his side but he squared his jaw and didn’t say anything else.

“I decided it would be best for me to re-negotiate the terms of this deal,” the Commander continued, “and our friend here has agreed that the prices for these ships should definitely be much much lower.”

Hux turned to the planet’s official and shot him a look filled with daggers. I knew what had happened here. This official had taken advantage of Hux’s non-threatening demeanour and had increased the cost of the ships. But this had only resulted in the Commander coming instead and well… the Commander was scary as shit.

“Very well,” Hux conceded, “then the engineer will begin her inspection and ensure these are only the best ships available.”

  
  
“I promise I would not sell you anything less than worthy of the First Order,” the official stated nervously, glancing at the Commander in fear. He knew that if his ships were garbage, it was his head that the Commander would rip off.

“Even so, our flight engineer will inspect each one,” the Commander declared.

I quickly took that as my queue to start boarding the nearest ship and looking at every nook, cranny and electrical socket. I checked that all the wires were connected and hadn’t been worn away, made sure the switches worked and that the engine hummed at the right octaves. The latter meant that I had to actually switch the ship on and it let out a roar as the engines whirred themselves to life.

Footsteps clunking against the metal grates alerted me to the arrival of someone else and I peeked my head out to see who was coming. I grinned when I saw that it was my new friend.

“They just wanted me to check that you were going as fast as possible,” FN-2187 told me. “You still have three more of these things to look at.”

  
  
“Well, I’m making sure everything is in proper order. If they wanted this to be faster, then they should’ve asked for more than one engineer to come along.” I turned my attention back to the ship’s controls. “But I’m not about to rush my job and then get nailed if anything goes wrong.”

Once I was finished, I jumped up and moved onto the next ship to basically repeat the same thorough routine. As I was entering the last ship, I could sense everyone’s impatience and their restlessness. They all just wanted to be finished with this transaction and leave already. I understood, but again — I wasn’t about to make mistakes that could land me any extra work shifts.

As I was underneath the engine of the last ship, I felt the vibrations of both the engine whirring but also footsteps clanking against the metal floor of this ship. The engine was loud, ringing in my ears so badly that it muffled FN-2187’s voice as he spoke to me.

“What is taking so long?” he snapped. Damn, this engine was so loud that he almost didn’t even sound like himself. I was also tired and irritable from having to check all these ships — it wasn’t just him who was getting frustrated so he didn’t need to snap at me like that.

“I already told you! I have to check this entire ship and inspect all of its faults,” I yelled back over the loud whirring of the engine. “I don’t want to miss any issues and then have to face the Commander’s temper. You should know how unreasonable he can be! He won’t accept it if I mess up, I’m already in the shit with him.”

Contented with how the engine operated, I smiled, turned it off and slid out from underneath the section that I had been inspecting. I came face to face with black boots, black robes and a great hulking blass mass.

Please. Say this was a dream. Please say that I hadn’t just said all that shit about my Commander TO my Commander. Oh, stars he was going to kill me.

“S-Sir, I didn’t know it was you,” I said in a rush, clambering to my feet before him.

“Because speaking to a Stormtrooper about your Commander in such a manner is more acceptable?” he regarded me bluntly.

“Of course not.” I wanted to die. To drop down dead on the floor of this ship. I mean, that is what the Commander was going to do to me wasn’t it? No way he let this insubordination slide.

“Then?” he pressed on. “Please do continue. I believe you were calling me unreasonable and mentioning my temper.”

  
  
“I shouldn’t have spoken about you, Sir,” I lowered my head, not willing to look into that helmet. “I-I was careless with my words.”

“You were all fire before when you thought I was that Stormtrooper,” he stated, “but now speaking to me, that fire has clearly died down.”

  
  
“I do not want to offend you more than I have already,” I said and then I remembered something. I was using the wrong title, wasn’t I? He had said he liked the other title more, maybe it would get me out of this hole.

I looked up at him then — in the place where his eyes would have been — and in my clearest voice I continued: “ _Commander_.” 

He started toward me so quickly it was almost as if he had been electrocuted. I didn’t even have time to react before his hand was around my throat and my back was to pressing against the engine behind me. He brought his helmeted face so close to my own that I could hear his even breathing.

“What?” He said in a deeper voice, making the voice filter in his helmet give off a tinny feedback.

“I was just saying that I do not want to cause greater offence to my Commander.” I tried to keep my voice even and controlled as I spoke. I would not be intimidated by this man.

He pressed his chest into mine, his hips digging into me. For some reason, this was not scaring me in the slightest — in fact… it was kind of turning me on? No, it couldn’t be that. This man was a monster! So horribly disfigured that he had to conceal his face with a big stupid helmet.

“Is that what you think?” he asked, his voice remaining in a deeper octave than normal.

“W-what?”

“You think I’m a disfigured monster?” he said to me, but not in a defensive way. It was almost as if he was chuckling as he spoke. How the fuck did he know that? Was he reading my thoughts? Could he even do that?

“Yes and yes,” he said, the cool metal of his helmet meeting my cheek as he came even closer. He released his grip from around my throat and placed one palm on the wall beside my face and the other on my hip.

“Don’t,” I said, trying to not think about how much I was loving being caged-in by him like this. “Stop reading my thoughts.”

“Then stop being so loud with them,” he tutted. He squeezed my hip gently in one of his massive gloved hands. You know what they said about big hands— NOPE, not thinking about that. Don’t think about anything that could be incriminating. 

“Oh, please do finish that thought,” he smirked. Was he smirking at me right now? What the hell was happening. 

“Get off me,” I snapped, suddenly coming to my senses. I put my hands on his chest and pushed him. Nothing happened. He didn’t even so much as budge. I applied all my strength, but still nothing. I heard him laugh softly at my failed attempts.

“Is that what you _really_ want?” he asked, his voice seeming to drop even more.

No. If I was being honest, I was weirdly very into how close we were right now. I could feel his chest rising and falling against mine and I knew my breathing was definitely not as calm and even as his was. I wanted to rub my hands along his chest, bunch his robes up in my fists and keep him close. What the hell was wrong with me all of a sudden?

“Yes, get off me,” I said instead, betraying my body’s true desires.

He tsked but obliged, giving my hip a harder squeeze before moving away from me and leaving. I followed him out of the ship and back to where the others had been waiting. If Hux went a brighter shade of red than he was now then he would’ve resembled a tomato. I could practically feel his frustration marinating in the air around us.

“Is everything finished?” he snapped angrily at me.

“Yes, General,” I nodded, my voice a little husky. I cleared my throat and delivered a quick report to the General, letting him know everything was in order.

“Good,” he said and appointed a Stormtrooper to each ship so that they could fly them back to base. They nodded in unison and instantly went to complete their tasks. Hux turned to Commander Ren next. “I will take the engineer and FN-2187 back aboard my ship and we will meet you back at home base.”

I moved to stand beside FN-2187 and sighed with relief that I had done my job right and survived my humiliating ordeal with the Commander.

  
  
“Actually,” Commander Ren stated, putting a hand out to stop me in my tracks. “My ship needs to be looked at. The compressor is not working correctly.”

What? This could not be happening.

  
“I think the engineer should rather come with me instead,” Commander Ren informed Hux.

Hux nodded in agreement, “very well then. Goodbye, Commander Ren.”

I helplessly watched him walk away with FN-2187. This could not be happening to me. I turned to face the Commander and I didn’t need to see his face to know he was smirking at me.

“Come along then,” he said smugly, “and we can finish our earlier discussion in private.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooo aboard kylo's ship alone with kylo...  
> whatever could this lead to


	4. Call Me Kylo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Kylo are alone on his ship and he can hear every little thought you have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this... got away from me a little bit I'll admit
> 
> but hey ;)

“Come along then,” the Commander said to me, walking toward his ship.

I didn’t move from where I stood, just staring ahead at him as he walked away. Why did he need me to come along? Something told me that the compressor in his ship worked _perfectly_ fine. He was playing a game, I didn’t know what the reason was yet but I had a feeling I was going to find out soon.

The Commander noticed I wasn’t trailing behind him and he whipped around to look at me. “I will not ask you again.”

I sighed, scrubbing a hand over my face and trying to muster up the courage to get my legs to move.

“Why are you doing this?” I muttered as I walked indignantly past him, making a point of boarding the ship first and not waiting for him. I knew the proper etiquette would be to let my superior board first, but I honestly didn’t care to show him any respect right now.

He trudged behind me. “What? Asking you to do your job? I didn’t realise that would be such a grievance for you.”

  
  
“No,” I countered, “I mean showing up on all my assignments. Can’t you just leave me alone? There’s plenty of other engineers for you to berate.”

“I have never once sought you out. Everywhere I go… you just seem to be there too.”

I didn’t want to answer that, instead I just walked quickly to the front of the ship before I noticed that there wasn’t anyone else onboard. Where was the crew?

“There isn’t one,” he said, walking in behind me.

I scowled that he was inside my head again but questioned him anyway, “but where are the Troopers? Where are your Knights?”

“I have no need of Stormtroopers, I am perfectly capable of defending myself if the need should arise,” he replied, taking a seat in the pilot’s chair. He flicked a few switches and closed the ramp to the ship, preparing it for take-off. “And the Knights were not to be bothered with such a mediocre task. I just came to right Hux’s incompetence and negotiate a better deal.”

  
  
I made a noise of understanding, reaching up to unhook the ship’s control system and pulling the panel loose to inspect it. I stared into the perfectly working compressor and I rolled my eyes. I knew that there was nothing wrong with this ship.

“Even so,” Commander Ren said with a glint of amusement lining his words, “it is always good to get an engineer to check on the ship.” He shifted in his seat to face me, his helmet glinting as the lights from the ship reflected off of it. “Just in case.”

I threw my hands up in exasperation. “You’re just wasting my time! What the fuck did you even call me here for then?”

“Watch your mouth,” he warned.

“No, I won’t,” I snapped at him. “Why would you call me onboard your ship? What do you want from me?”

He leaned back in his chair, clasping his hands in his lap calmly.“You interest me.”  
  
What? What the fuck does that mean?

“I’ve never spoken to you,” I said irritably. I needed to rein it in a little, this was still my Commander after all, even if he was acting like a total jackass.

“You don’t have to speak for me to hear you,” he answered. “And you’re right, you should still show your _jackass_ Commander a little respect.”

  
  
The realisation dawned on me. “How long have you been listening to my thoughts?”

  
  
He turned back to the console, as if the conversation suddenly bored him. “As I was looking for Hux, I made the decision to check his ship and I suddenly heard your voice in my head. After you bumped into me there, I haven’t gone a day without at least one of your thoughts ringing in my head.”

“You mean that you…”

He sighed, the synthesiser in his mask distorting his voice. “I mean, that I do not actively try to hear your thoughts — I for some reason, just _do_.”

“So you’ve heard everything I think?” I was starting to sweat with nerves. It wasn’t that I was thinking anything particularly damning, it was just that it felt like an invasion of privacy.

“Not everything,” he placated me. “It’s like you come in and out of my head. I sometimes hear sentences that you think, but not the whole conversation if that makes sense. If I want to hear more, I have to actually focus. Otherwise, it just happens.”

He turned to face me again, “trust me, if I could shut you up, I would. I— I don’t know why I hear you.” 

“Stop.”

“I _can’t_. No matter how much I meditate, I always end up hearing something silly that you’re obsessing over. Usually it’s when your emotions rise.” He stood now, coming toward me. “That’s why you’re interesting to me. I want to know what makes _you_ so special to be getting in _my_ head.”

“I don’t know what to tell you,” I said to him, “I’m just an engineer, I don’t know what I’m doing to project my thoughts into your head. Plus, it only seems to be to be things I really don’t want you to know.”

He stood still for a moment, regarding me. I found myself wishing that I could hear this bastard’s thoughts too, then at least I could know what his motives were. Was he going to kill me over this? Is that why he called me to be alone on his ship?

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he said suddenly, obviously having picked that up from my mind.

“Then why am I here?”

He held a hand out toward the console of the ship, flexing his fingers and telekinetically making the switches turn on. Was he showing off a little? “I told you already; you interest me. I only hear snippets of your thoughts when there is distance between us, but when you’re in close proximity to me then I can hear a lot more.”

“So you called me here so that you could eavesdrop on my mind?” I was still trying to understand my purpose aboard this ship, alone with this man.

“I called you here so I could determine what exactly is causing this connection between us,” he explained, sitting back down in the pilot’s chair and gesturing for me to take a seat. “And figure out how exactly I can sever it. You are too much of a distraction to me.”

“I’m not even doing anything,” I protested.

“And yet I cannot stop thinking about you,” he hissed out quietly and it felt like it was directed more to himself than to me.

I took my seat behind him as he roared the ship into life, coaxing it up into the air and away from this planet. Since I was sitting near the front this time, I could easily see out the windows at the natural landscapes of this planet.

“This planet is beautiful,” I said in awe.

“Don’t get too attached,” he said snidely from the front. He probably meant that I wouldn’t have the opportunity to come back here since most of my work was on the main ship. He wasn’t wrong, I rarely ever left my post.

“Is the flight another three hours?” I asked him. Since when was I comfortable enough to be asking this superior officer such casual questions?

“Do you think that I can just teleport us back home?”

“Yikes, you don’t have to be such a di-” I immediately stopped myself before that sentence could find its end.

“Oh please continue. I love to hear your constant disrespect towards me.” Once the ship travelled outside of the planet’s exosphere and into space, he swivelled around to fix a cold, metallic glare on me. It really bothered me that I couldn’t see this man’s — was he even a man?—this man’s facial expressions. “Do you think that just because I have revealed your true reason for being around me that you can speak to me however you want? I am not one of your friends.”

“And yet you are still fascinated by me,” I replied cheekily. “Clearer that gives me a little bit more of an edge.”

  
  
“You mean as much to me as General Hux does,” he snapped. “That is to say, you are both _infuriating_ wastes of my time.”

I shrugged at him and made sure to think loudly: whatever you say Commander.

He must not have heard that one because he turned back to the front of the ship and ignored me. What was it about this man that was so interesting to _me?_ I should have been terrified of him, the way that literally everyone else in the First Order was.

He was best known for his massive temper, if I said the wrong words here what would stop him from running me through with his lightsaber? I had heard the rumour that he had done it before to someone that had angered him. Plus, who would mourn the life of a lowly engineer?

But he had said that he wouldn’t hurt me and something in me was very trusting of his words. I don’t know why I felt so calm and comfortable around him but I felt myself easing up as I sat in the chair, staring at the back of his helmet.

“We’re in hyperdrive now,” he announced, bringing me out of my own head. “If you wish to walk around, you may. The flight will be stable enough.”

  
  
“Oh,” I said, surprised. “Aboard Hux’s plane, we had to sit for the full three hours.”

  
  
“That is because Hux is a terrible pilot.”

  
  
I did stand up though, going to the front of the plane and leaning out to see the expanse of space as we travelled through it. We were moving way too fast for me to focus on any stars but it was weirdly nice to just watch as we flew past.

I could feel the Commander’s gaze on me though and I turned around to see his helmet pointed in my direction. I couldn’t tell if he was looking at me or past me — the problem with not being able to see his eyes. Why did he wear this ridiculous outfit? Was he a disfigured monster like I suspected him to be earlier? What other need did he have to conceal his face?

“I am not disfigured in any way,” he uttered.

I felt a rush of confidence go through my body and I leaned against the console, facing him with a challenging stare. “Take off your helmet then.”

  
  
“No,” he said instantly.

I can’t explain what came over me then. It was like somebody far more mischievous than me had possessed my body, making me say things I would never dare to say. It must’ve been the false sense of security that he had lulled me into. Right? No way I was as safe and comfortable with him as I was feeling. It must’ve been a force trick. That’s probably what he was doing.

“Why not? Something to hide?” I was starting to grin and I knew that he was hating how informal I was behaving. But he had initiated this game and I was only playing it.

“I said no,” he said firmly. “You are overstepping your boundaries, Engineer.”

I knew he was calling me by my job description as a way to demote me, to show me how inferior I was to him. He was trying to put me in my place and I really didn’t like this power-play. Okay Sir, let’s tango.

“Do something about it,” I said and even as the words left my lips, I had _no_ idea what the fuck I was saying. Who had I suddenly become? I didn’t say shit like this, what the fuck was I doing?

“I see you are all fire again,” he commented, “no longer playing at being meek and docile are we?”

I shrugged, “I just want to see what you look like.” 

So that when I fantasise about those gloved hands again and that deep rumbling voice, I can actually put a face to it.

And the Commander stood up and advanced toward me so quickly that I yelped in surprise when he clamped my wrist in one of his. Oh shit. He did not just hear that.

“Oh but I did,” he was _chuckling._ Stars, I was mortified. “Every word. Describe these fantasies to me.”

  
  
“No,” I mumbled, trying to pull my wrist free of his grasp. Don’t think about it. DO NOT THINK ABOUT—

_His gloved hand tracing over my cheek, the leather smooth on my face as he pulls me into his chest. One arm snaking around my back, keeping me wrapped up tightly against his body. The other hand grazing down my spine, digging into the small of my back, running over the curve of my ass, pressing me into his--_

I literally shook my head to get the images to vanish out of my head but from the way his grip on my wrist had tightened, I knew he had heard it _all._

"Keep going," he urged me and his voice was _hoarse_ even through the filter.

"No," I said almost inaudibly. This was the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me. I was never going to recover from this mortification, I would simply have to pass away instead. "Let go of me." But I hoped he wouldn't.

"No," he defied me, " _keep going._ "

"Why?" I retorted. "I don't need you to mock me."  
  
  


"How have I been hearing every little trivial thought that runs through your head, but not _this,"_ he groaned out. "I have to hear about how this electrical panel is like this and how this stupid thing is coming loose but I've never gotten to hear _this."  
  
  
_

 _"_ Why do you want to?" I mumbled out. He released my wrist and I rubbed it instinctively, looking at him with a jaded expression. 

"Why wouldn't I?" he said lowly. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since you ran into me and fell onto that perky ass of yours."  
  
  


"I thought you said that you couldn't stop thinking about me just because you could hear what goes on in my head."

"That's one part of it," he admitted. "But something is attracting me to you which is why we keep running into each other."  
  
  


"That's just coincidence," I pointed out. 

"Maybe," he reasoned, "but it doesn't seem likely, especially now that I know that you are just as intrigued by me as I am by you."

"Who said I'm intrigued by you?"

"I think you just proved it."

I put my palm on his chest, pushing him slightly so that he would have to take a step away from me and let me breathe. Stars, I wanted nothing more than those hands to wrap around me and pick me up.

The chuckle that shook his shoulders let me know he had heard that. I rolled my eyes irritably, "get out of my fucking head!"  
  
  


"Even if I could," he was still laughing, "I definitely wouldn't now. Not when you're _finally_ thinking about such interesting things."

He reached for me again, wrapping his gloved fingers around one of my slender wrists and pulling me off the console and closer to him. 

"Take off your helmet," I implored him. "Let me see."  
  


He shook his head, tutting at me. "I said no."  
  
  


"Then I'm saying no too," I countered, pushing him away from me for the second time. 

We both stood in silence, staring at each other as neither one of us wanted to give up the upperhand. We had come to a stalemate as both of us were too stubborn to give into the other one's wishes. Except I had a trick I had recently learned.

"What if I ask you nicely?" I said, letting the mischievous entity take ahold of me again. "What if I say: pretty please -- _Commander_." 

The growl punched through his body as soon as the word left my lips, but before he could charge toward me I lifted my hands up to prevent him. He knew the only way to get to me was to take off that fucking helmet. He scowled but he lifted his hands up, pressing at something that had his helmet shifting and moving. He pulled it off his head, throwing it somewhere behind him and it clattered loudly as it made contact with the metal flooring.

Fuck. He was the most gorgeous man I'd ever seen. He had flowing black hair that curled at the edges -- hair that I suddenly felt a desperate need to intertwine my hands in and _pull_. He must've been listening to that too because his face broke out into a cheeky grin and I felt like I wanted that image of him to be burned into my eyelids so that I could constantly see it.

"C'mere," I choked out and suddenly my arms were full of this hulking dark mass of a man. 

He wasted no time smashing his mouth into mine -- taking me by surprise with the action. I gave a short yelp before I closed my eyes and reciprocated the kiss, desperately enjoying the feeling of his soft, plump lips against my own One of his hands came up to cup my jaw tightly and the other played out a part of my fantasy: tracing the line of my spine before he stopped at the small of my back and gave a teasing squeeze. He knew what I wanted from him. 

I made good on my thoughts too: immediately reaching up to tangle my fingers in his soft black hair. I had to place my palm on his chest in order to support myself but I soon found myself fisting the material of his robes as his tongue ventured its way into my mouth. I moaned slightly when I felt his hand slide down to grab one of my asscheeks.

He broke the kiss to utter a swift command, "up. _Now_."

I knew exactly what he was asking me to do. I braced myself on his shoulders and jumped, only for him to place his hands under my thighs and hoist me up. He wrapped one arm around my back to steady me and the other stayed firmly planted on my ass to support me. 

I put my hands on either side of his cheeks and pulled his face back into mine. I could feel my core starting to heat up - this was the most action I had received in literal ages and I was really _loving_ it. I would've clamped my legs together to ease the slight ache that was starting to form in between my thighs, but I was straddling his waist. Oh my stars, I was straddling Commander fucking Ren's waist.

"Kylo," he breathed out against my lips. "Call me Kylo."  
  
  


"Stop listening to my fucking thoughts," I snapped irritably but slammed my mouth against his before he could respond. 

He walked us over to a ledge on the side of the ship to set me down and made sure to keep his hips in-between my legs so that I couldn't snap them shut. I could feel the warmth pooling in my tummy, the ache turning into a throb as he started to suck bruises into the soft skin of my neck. 

"Commander-- Kylo," I gasped out when one of his hands went to my clothed breast. "W-we can't."  
  
  


He stopped his assault on my neck, to stare at me quizzically. "Why not? Literally nobody is around to catch us."  
  
  


I opened my mouth to speak again but he interrupted me before I could. "You can either overthink everything we are doing like I know you're prone to do," he started to grin now, bringing his lips close to my ear so he could whisper, "or I can make you come around my fingers."

" _Shit_ ," I moaned. 


	5. Whatever You Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Commander does not hesitate to get down to business -- on both you, and your birth planet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're reading this and know me, no you don't <3

As soon as the words had left his mouth, I instantly turned to putty in his hands. The unfortunate thing was that he definitely knew this and was taking full advantage of the fact as he attached his lips to my jawbone. He sucked darker bruises down my neck, making sure that I would have marks that I would have to cover up tomorrow. 

"What's your answer?" he asked cheekily, his words muffled as he spoke against my sensitive skin. "If you tell me to stop, I will."  
  
  


"Don't," I gasped as the hand that wasn't gripping my hip went to cup my clothed breast. He ran his gloved thumb over my nipple, making it harden underneath my uniform. I felt goosebumps go up my arms at the feel of the smooth, warm leather tracing my sensitive nipples. 

"Don't what?" he was smirking, thoroughly amused by the state that I was in. He moved his hand to the other side of my body, pinching my neglected nipple between his thumb and forefinger, getting that to quickly react to his touch as well. I grabbed his hand, stopping it from moving and repositioned it at the hem of my shirt. He understood what I was saying and he glided his hand underneath my shirt, up my torso and rubbed my bare breasts in his hands. 

"Don't stop, Commander," I groaned. 

"Whatever you want," he obliged. 

He ran a hand down my stomach, inching closer to where I needed him most. I tried to clamp my thighs shut to alleviate the throb forming in my core but his hips prevented that, making me just dig his hipbones into my inner thighs instead. I wrapped my legs around his torso, caging him into me and making sure he couldn't move away. 

"Tell me," he purred into my ear, "if I touch you right now, would you be wet?" And well, I certainly felt myself soaking from just those words alone. 

He fiddled with the buckle on my pants, unhooking it so that he could slip one of his massive hands and cup me in his hand. He stroked me gently through my underwear but it had me keening up into his touch and gripping his biceps for support. His biceps flexed in my grip and he used his spare hand to hook around the back of my knee, dragging me so that I was supported more by him than the ledge beneath me.

"Just... please," I was breathing hard, and could barely speak. 

He raised his eyebrows, his hand stilling in my pants. "Please what? Ask me nicely."

I wanted to smack him so hard but I gave in. "Just touch me. Please _Commander_."  
  
  


"Mmmm," he answered, reattaching his mouth to mine and slipping his fingers past my underwear. The second his fingers rubbed against my mound I gasped and bucked my hips into his grip, only making him circle his middle finger faster. The feel of the leather on my skin was driving me insane, I was getting drunk off its texture. I knew I was way too turned on to last long and if he kept moving those long fingers _just_ right, I would come undone quickly. Was this real right now? I couldn't believe that I was gripping so tightly to the Commander like this and hearing him speak to me in this way. 

"Fuck, you're so tight," he moaned into my mouth as he slid the tip of his middle finger inside me. I instinctively clenched around the tip of his gloved finger which only made him moan louder and jerk his hips against mine. He sank his finger to the hilt inside me, making me gasp at the sudden intrusion. He curled his finger and dragged it against my top wall, making me dig my nails into his strong, muscled bicep. "Come for me."

He only needed to curl his finger inside me a few more times and keep repeating my name in order to have me thrust my head into his shoulder and come with a shout. 

"There's a good girl," he praised, slipping his finger out of me. The leather was glistening and he raised his hand to his mouth to lick it clean with his pink tongue, making sure to keep staring into my eyes as he did so. Honestly the sight of that was almost enough to have me come all over again. 

I breathed heavily in the grasp of his arms, allowing myself to calm down before I reached to undo the fastens on his pants. He seemed halfway to desperate and was urging me along by panting my name intensely. But before I could even slip my hand into his pants, we were interrupted by a loud beeping from the ship's console. 

"No," he snapped irritably, but he wasn't speaking to me. "Not _now._ Not when I _have_ her."  
  
  


But he pulled away from me nonetheless moving toward the front of the ship, leaving me to bring myself back from ecstasy. Commander Ren -- Kylo, stretched his hand out and his helmet flew from the ground straight into it. He put it on as he pressed a switch angrily on the console, allowing the image of a Lieutenant to come onscreen. 

" _What_?" Kylo spat harshly at him. The man was clearly taken aback, a look of fear coming across his face. If only he knew what he had just interrupted. 

"Commander Ren, Sir," the man said uncertainly. "I was informed by General Hux that you're on your way back from the same planet he was on."  
  
  


"Get to your point, Lieutenant," Kylo growled. "Quickly."

"The Knights have been deployed to Hosnian Prime, Sir," he said. "Your attention is needed there as well."  
  
  


"I will have to come to base first," Kylo replied, "I have an engineer aboard my ship who needs to get back to work."  
  
  


"But Sir, who cares about the engineer? It's faster for you to go directly--"

"I _said_ , I will drop her back at base first," Kylo insisted. "The Knights are capable of handling things till I arrive."  
  
  


The Lieutenant nodded, not wanting to argue with a man with a temper like Kylo's. He ended the call quickly and Kylo turned to me but didn't make to come toward me. I understood that we were not going to carry on with what we were previously doing, but I could also see the bulge in his pants and well that couldn't have been comfortable. My eyes instantly flicked down and he had to adjust his pants under my gaze.

"Take your seat," was all he said to me, gesturing to the chair beside the pilot's. I obliged, sitting on his right and buckling myself into the chair. 

"I don't mind waiting aboard the ship, if you have work to do," I said to him, breaking the silence that had formed. 

"It is not something you should be involved in," was his blunt reply.

"Why? What is happening on Hosnian Prime?" My ears had perked up instantly when I heard mention of the planet, but I was trying to be smooth about it. I wanted him to answer my question and I feared he wouldn't if I pressed too hard. 

"What concern is it of yours?" he asked me. 

"It's... nothing," I finished. Except I was worried about why the Knights would be needed on the planet -- they didn't exactly negotiate diplomatic deals. It must've been really drastic circumstances if they were deployed instead of Stormtroopers; it meant that the planet needed serious threatening. 

"I can hear you worrying over this," Kylo interrupted my thoughts. "Tell me why."

I swallowed uneasily and very quietly I whispered, "uh, that's my planet." 

Kylo was silent but I saw his shoulders tense. That was extremely concerning. 

"I was born there before I came to work for the First Order," I continued, trying to get him to open up more. I needed to know what they were doing on that planet -- on _my_ planet.

"We will be back at the base soon," Kylo said stoically, as if I hadn't even spoken. 

* * *

Kylo left me at base like he promised, pretending like I didn't even exist as I left the ship. I just rolled my eyes at his behaviour, knowing how he really felt about me. I couldn't get the way he spoke to me out of my head, making it near impossible for me to sleep that night. 

"How was it yesterday?" Ig asked me the next day when I saw him. "Hopefully more interesting than my assignment."

Oh dude, you have _no_ idea. Not only did I get to see Commander Ren's real face, but he gave me mind-blowing orgasm and basically confessed that he was obsessed with me. Plus, I was pretty sure I was obsessed with him as well. His leather encased fingers rubbing me had played in my head on a continuous loop. 

"Oh you know," I coughed, "it was uneventful." 


	6. An Excuse To See You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You don't see Kylo for a week and being away from you is driving him insane. You don't want to admit that it's driving you mad to be apart from him too. Damn, he really likes you, huh.

I didn’t hear from the Commander for a week and it was mostly because things had taken a turn for the worse aboard the main ship. More and more pilots were coming back with damaged aircraft, having been attacked during their missions. This meant that I was constantly running between one emergency to the next and practically passing out on the floor of my room every night from exhaustion.

No doubt the Commander was as busy as I was, possibly even more so since he had a lot more responsibilities to fulfil than I did. And even though I was neck deep in work everyday, to the point where I barely had time to shower and eat anymore, I still found myself thinking of him. It was like he had somehow intertwined his existence with my own as he occupied most of my thoughts. I also tried to steel myself away from thinking anything too scandalous about him and pinched my thigh if I ever started reminiscing about his long fingers — mostly because I was unsure whether or not he was listening.

That’s what I didn’t like; that he was inside my head and I never knew when. There was one thing that I was petrified of him knowing about me because if he did find out…

Let’s just say I loved my job and I wanted to be _alive_ to continue doing it. I imagined myself building a wall in my head, locking up the secret in a safe and vowing to forget about it. I didn’t need to start projecting guilt or give the Commander any reason to probe my mind further than he already could.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” Ig said, catching me in the hallway as I was about to head back to my quarters. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy to see him or anything, I just felt like my bones were jelly and everything in my body seemed far too heavy. “I haven’t spoken to you since everything went insane.”

  
  
“Yeah, I know,” I sighed, fighting off the urge to rub my eyes. “What’s up? Because if it’s not important, then I’m so sorry Ig but I’ll have to bail. I had the early shift today and I have it again tomorrow.”

  
  
“It _is_ slightly urgent.” Ig was nervous as he spoke, fidgeting with the sleeves of his shirt. “I—I’ve been assigned to Commander Ren’s ship for my shift tomorrow. He’s coming back from some planet and apparently his ship is in pretty bad shape.”

  
  
“It took a hit?” I asked quickly, concern suddenly flooding my bloodstream. Why did I care this much? Because he was my Commander?… right, _sure_ that’s the reason.

“I think so. The assignment wasn’t very detailed beyond that there is a problem that I have to see to.”

  
  
I ran a hand through my hair, holding it out of my face. “Okay… what does this have to do with me?”

I will not be disappointed that Ig got assigned the job instead of me. I will not be jealous that Ig will be in the Comman— in Kylo’s presence, instead of me. I will be happy to do whatever stupid assignment I have to do tomorrow.

“Well, you’ve met him before. Is he as bad as everyone says?”

  
  
Oh. I understood why he was so anxious all of a sudden. “You’re scared of the Commander?”

  
  
“Yeah, isn’t everyone?” Ig pointed out incredulously. “He’s known for his temper.”

Except I’m not scared of him at all anymore and honestly, I wouldn’t mind being the outlet to that temper. Ugh, Y/N, get a _grip_ of yourself. I brought myself back to reality and tried to comfort my friend.

  
  
“I doubt you’ll have to even deal with him,” I reasoned, “you’ll just have to fix his ship and leave. I’ll bet that even if you do see him, he won’t stop to talk to you. He’s too busy.”

  
  
“You better be right, Y/N,” Ig sighed, “because if I shit my pants in front of Commander Ren, then I’m going to slander your name.”

I laughed, “if you shit your pants in front of him then I’d be surprised if you live long enough talk shit about me.”

“You better be extra nice to me,” Ig chided, “this might be the last time you see me alive. Do you really want your last words to me to be something mean?”

“Hey, I met him and he didn’t kill me,” I said.

“Maybe he’s into you,” Ig teased and didn’t realise the irony of his words.

“Yeah, I’m sure that’s it,” I only half joked.

—-

I fell into a deep sleep, dreaming about leather and gripping black curly hair in my fists. Even though I had the early shift, it had taken me a while to fall asleep. I couldn’t get my brain to quiet down enough as it incessantly solved problems that I had encountered with various engines.

When I woke in the morning, I was practically experiencing a hangover, just minus the alcohol. My head felt disconnected from my shoulders and I imagined myself as a little bobble-head, sitting on a desk somewhere. I was _exhausted_ and the scratchy sheets and tiny cot wasn’t exactly helping to lull me into sleep at night.

I longed to be back in the wildflower field, feeling the sun on my skin and napping quietly with FN-2178 somewhere by my side. He and I had met up on a few occasions, having brief chats with one another before returning to work. It wasn’t exactly like the Stormtroopers were allowed to have friends after all. But we were making our platonic friendship work.

In fact, it was FN-2187 that greeted me outside my quarters as I was on my way to breakfast.

“Y/N,” he said and I instantly smiled when I read his badge number and realised it was him.

“Hey!” I said, trying to be cheery despite the ache that was running through my body. I silently prayed to the universe that it would be a slow and easy work shift. “How have you been? I haven’t seen you this week since everything went insane.”

  
  
“Yes, my troop was deployed on a nearby planet,” he explained his absence. “I only got back last night.”

  
  
“Are you going to join me for breakfast?” I asked him as we walked toward the cafeteria. These days I only had time to pick up a small snack before I headed to work, so it wouldn’t be much of a meal. Also, not like he could sit with me at the same table but we could chat in the queue I supposed.

“Oh no,” he said, “I’m here to escort you.”

I stopped in the hallway and turned to face him. “Uh, escort me where exactly?”

  
  
“Did you not get the message on your holopad? Commander Ren has requested your presence.”

I felt my shoulders tense. I hadn’t seen the man in eight days and now he was _calling_ for me? “Uh, did he ask for me by name? Or did he just ask for any random engineer?”

  
  
“He asked for the engineer that had worked on Hux’s personal craft. That’s you, isn’t it?”

  
  
“Yeah,” I sighed, rubbing my neck. “That’s me.”

“Well he said to bring you at first light,” FN-2187 continued. “You are to report to him for your assignment today.”

I wanted to roll my eyes but steeled myself. I could only guess how stupid my ‘assignment’ would be, but if it could earn me a bit of an easier day then I wouldn’t mind too much. 

“Okay, I’m going,” I muttered but FN-2187 insisted on escorting me all the way.

“Are we meeting aboard his ship?” I asked but it was a stupid question; we weren’t even going in the right direction if we were going to the hangar.

“No, he asked to see you in his quarters.”  
  
In his _what?_

_“_ He just got back from Hosnian Prime a few hours ago,” FN-2187 explained. He must’ve noticed my body tensing. “So he’s not taking any meetings today — uh, except for this one with you.”

  
  
“Thank you,” I greeted him as we stopped in front of Kylo’s room. FN-2187 nodded, knocked on the door loudly and walked away. I tried to straighten my back, tried not to be nervous. It wasn’t fear that I was feeling; it was something… else. I couldn’t pinpoint it.

The doors slid open, Kylo standing on the other side and I felt my heart dropping when I saw his helmet fitted perfectly in place. I suddenly just wanted to see his face.

“Engineer,” he said simply and stepped aside, allowing me to pass him and enter the room. It was surprisingly very neat; not a thing out of place. My eyes caught sight of the large bed on the side of the room; fitted with black silk sheets that just made my body melt. What I would give to crawl between those sheets, pass out and never speak to another person ever again.

My focus snapped back to him as he shut the door and turned to me. I clasped my hands behind my back and gave a short bow. “Commander Ren, you requested to see me.”

  
  
“I told you to call me Kylo,” he spoke, his voice reverberating through the helmet. “There’s no need to be so formal with me now as it’s just us.”

I nodded and let my muscles relax. I ran a hand through my hair, “why did you call me to your room? Isn’t it inappropriate?”

  
“I often see to urgent matters in my quarters if I have just come back from a trip,” he said. “Everyone understands that I am tired and if it is important, I conduct brief meetings here.”

  
  
“So this is a brief meeting?” I asked him and I knew he sensed my disappointment. I mean could he blame me? I hadn’t seen him for a while and after this week from hell — I guess I would’ve liked to be by him a little longer. Except, I really didn’t know why I had this urge to be beside him or where it had come from. “Is there a problem with your ship that you need me to see to?”

  
  
“There was,” he replied, “and I did call for an engineer two days ago. But to my great disappointment, they sent somebody else.”

  
  
“You wanted me to be assigned?” I almost laughed at that fact. He had wanted to see me almost as badly as I wanted to see him.

“Yes,” he answered simply. “But I’ve been quite busy lately and have not been able to seek you out. I thought that a brief encounter during your assignment was better than nothing.”

  
  
“Take off your helmet,” I implored him. “I won’t be able to stay here long, I have to report back soon and I want to see your face before I go.”

  
  
He did as I asked; the panels in the helmet shifting and sliding as he pulled it off his head. “There is no need to worry about that. I have cleared your schedule.”

As he spoke, he removed the outer layer of his robes and folded it. This left him standing in a short-sleeved black top in front of me and I couldn’t stop my eyes from roaming all over the exposed skin of his arms. I could very clearly see the bulge of his biceps in that shirt now, could almost see the indents of his muscled torso.

  
  
“What? Are you allowed to do that?”

  
He shrugged, removing his leather gloves and placing them aside. “I said that I will need you to design a new ship for the Knights. It means that I could meet you and we could work out the blueprints for it.”

  
  
I hadn’t really paid attention to the fact that he had basically invented a job for me just so he could hang out with me more. My brain was short-circuiting on one piece of information and I almost screamed with excitement. “I get to _design_ my own ship?”

  
  
“Well it’s not _your_ ship and I will be making the final input, but sure, I suppose so.”

I ran to him, throwing myself against him in a hug without really thinking about my actions. “Thank you! I’ve always wanted to draw up my own plans.”

  
  
He put his arms around me after a few minutes, as if he were unsure of himself. I pulled away as sudden embarrassment overtook me at my behaviour. “Yes, well it’s also born out of selfish intentions Y/N.”

“What do you mean?”

  
  
He put his fingers under my chin and tipped my head up to meet his gaze. “I purely wanted an excuse to spend more time with you — _alone_.”

I felt myself blush at his confession. I mean yeah, good on you dude because surprisingly that’s what I wanted too.

“Is it now?” he grinned at me.

I rolled my eyes and pushed him. “Stop reading my thoughts.”

  
  
He grabbed my hand, pulling me roughly into his body and wrapping his spare arm around my waist to hold me against him. “Do you know that the _only_ reprieve I had from your thoughts was when I was away on missions? As soon as I stepped foot back on base and was within 100 metres of you, I had to be bombarded with your mind again.”

  
  
He ran his hand along my spine and continued talking. “Do you know what it’s like to have to listen to you, know that you’re so close to me and not be able to see you? What it’s like to hear you thinking of my fingers and my mouth and not be able to _do_ anything about it?”

  
  
I swallowed, my hands finding perches on each of his biceps and my nails finding a home in his skin. The hand that was holding up my chin brushed over my cheek, cupping it briefly before he placed it on my hip, holding me tight against him.

“You left me hanging the last time,” he rumbled, letting his voice drop an octave so that it would send shivers shooting down my spine. “I think it’s high time that we fix that, don’t you?”


	7. I Want You Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Kylo resume your activities but duty calls unfortunately.

"I don't think it was my fault that you got left hanging," I said smugly. "I'm pretty sure _you_ were the one that left."

"Oh, you blame me for doing my job now?" he mirrored my amusement. He tightened his grip around my waist, making sure that there wasn't an inch of space between us. Because of his incredible height, I had to strain my head up to look at him.

"Wasn't I a distraction to you? I'm pretty sure you said that i was." I asked him.

"You are," he answered truthfully. "It does me no service to constantly have my mind bombarded with yours."

"And yet here you are," I grinned, reaching up to put my arms around his neck and bring him down to my level. "Why not just send me away if you hate me that much?"

"Oh I'm quite sure that I never said I hated you," he said. "And I told you before, you interest me too much for me to get rid of you."

As he skimmed the back of his hand up my side towards my breast, I was pretty sure I could feel that interest starting to poke me in my stomach. A shiver of excitement shot down my spine.

"What if I said I'm not as interested in you?" I teased. 

He skated his palm over my nipple and up my body to wrap his long fingers around my throat. He bent over so that his nose could brush over my cheek, his other hand moving to the small of my back to keep me firmly pressed against him. "I think we both know that that isn't true."

He placed a brief kiss on my jaw, breathing over the sensitive skin on my neck and making me grip onto him for support. He dropped his voice an octave, letting me feel the rumble from his chest. "You forget I've been _intently_ listening to you these past few days. Right before you sleep, although wracked with exhaustion, you have to play a fantasy of me in your head before you can fall asleep. Isn't that right?"  
  
  


I gulped as he placed a butterfly kiss over my pulse, no doubt feeling it pounding. "You - You heard that?"  
  


"Every night."

I couldn't help my eyes fluttering closed at the feeling of his lips sucking dark bruises into the skin on my neck. After he had left me hickies aboard his ship, I had had to use tons of concealer to cover it up and even then they were visible. The only saving grace that I had was that I could wear a turtleneck on occasions and if it hadn't been for that - Ig definitely would've noticed the marks. How the hell would I have explained that one to him?

Kylo stopped kissing my neck and looked at me very seriously. "Do not think of him."  
  


I grinned, my mouth only a few inches away from his own. I was really liking how much of a hold I had over him. "Are you jealous?"

"No," he said irritably.

"I think you - _oof!_ " I cried out in shock as Kylo suddenly reached down and picked me up. He kept one hand firmly placed on my ass to support me and used the other to guide my legs to wrap around his waist. 

"I'm not jealous," he replied calmly, squeezing my ass in his hand as if to punctuate the sentence. "But as long as you understand that you are _mine."  
  
  
_

I nodded, instant desperation overtaking me. I had really longed for his touch for more than a week now and being held like this by him was driving me insane. "Yeah dude, sure, whatever. Just shut up and kiss me."  
  


He grinned but brought his lips to mine in a rush. I melted in his grip at the feeling of his tongue working its way into my mouth, grasping his hair in my fist and tugging on it. I felt him groan against my mouth at the action so I repeated it more forcefully this time. He walked us over to his bed and threw me down on it, all the while standing over me. I bounced as I hit the mattress and I watched his eyes dart to my breasts before he looked back to me with a newfound hunger in his eyes. 

"Take off your shirt," he ordered. 

"Take off yours," I countered cheekily. He rolled his eyes at me but obeyed, revealing his toned torso that I instantly raked my eyes over.

"I tire of your insolence," he said to me, glaring at me before I smirked and lifted my arms above my head. I swallowed any nerves that I would've had - how could I be self-conscious when he was staring at me like this? He came toward me and pulled my shirt over my head, kneeling before me so that he could kiss up my ribcage. Stars, the sight of him on his knees in front of me instantly had me throbbing. 

When his lips found my nipple, I keened over and grabbed his head in my hands. He used his hand to fondle my neglected breast but pulled away completely after a few seconds. He leaned back on his knees away from me and smirked at me. "I think you should right your previous inactions.

"Come over to me then." 

He jolted toward me, pressing his lips on mine, towering over me until I fell onto my back, the full weight of his torso pinning me into the sheets. The silk was soft and smooth against my bare skin, making me wish that my own room had this instead. Compared to Kylo's, my own bedsheets felt like potato sacks. He kissed hungrily into my mouth and then gasped into my mouth when he felt my hand trace over the front of his pants. 

Just as I started to fumble with the fastens to his pants, a loud knock erupted from his bedroom door. I heard him growl in annoyance but he didn't stop kissing me, so I just figured that he wouldn't answer in the hopes that whoever was on the other side would leave. But after three more incessant knocks, he swore loudly, sitting up and outstretching his hand, making his shirt and helmet fly towards him through the air. 

He swore again, anger running through him. I'd never heard him this undone before and I was thoroughly enjoying that I was the reason for it. He tossed me my shirt and gestured for me to move out of shot of the doorway to prevent anyone from seeing me. 

He dressed quickly and opened the door, his temper in full swing. I'd hate to be whoever had knocked on the door right now. " _What_?" he snapped irritably.

I couldn't see through the doorway but I heard a droid's voice answering. Luckily droids had no concept of fear because this one would've pissed himself. "Commander Ren, my apologies. The Knights of Ren request an urgent meeting with you, Sir."

"Can it wait?" he snarled. "I'm busy right now."  
  
  
"The Knights said it's an emergency, Sir. Leader Snoke gave new orders regarding Hosnian Pr-"  
  
  


"Yes, fine. I'll be there soon." Kylo interrupted and slammed the door shut on the droid. 

My ears had pricked up instantly at the mention of my planet, but I slipped my shirt back over me and tried to sit on the edge of the bed calmly. Before I could even open my mouth to ask, his attention focused back on me. 

"Not now," he said. "You're dismissed, you may leave."  
  
  


I stood up, "but you cleared my schedule. I don't have any work for today."  
  
  


"Then you may go rest, Engineer. I know how tired you are - I have to hear you complain about it always." He spoke to me absentmindedly as he called his lightsaber to him.   
  
  


But the thought of sleeping in that scratchy tiny cot was so unappealing. "Is... is it okay if I stay here then?"  
  
  


He stopped what he was doing and turned to me. "Why do you want to stay? I probably won't be back for many hours."

  
  
"Uh, not for you," I said hesitantly. How did I tell this guy I just _really_ wanted to fall asleep in his bed? Except, I guess I just did. 

"No," he said firmly.

"Come on, _please?"_ I pressed. "I just want to have one decent sleep."

"I said no."

"I'll do whatever you want," I bargained. "I'll even leave before you come back. It'll be like I was never here."  
  
  


"You'll do whatever I want regardless," he smirked and I knew from his amused tone that I had won. "I can hear how desperate you are for me."

  
  
"Yeah, whatever. Can I stay?"

He walked toward me and wrapped his arms around my waist. "Fine. But..."  
  
  
"But what?" I asked, tracing the hem of his shirt with my forefinger. 

"But do not leave. I want you here when I return."

  
  
"Yes, Commander," I agreed before he let me go and exited the room swiftly. 


	8. Gorgeous. She's Gorgeous.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Although you tried not to, you had to do something drastic to avoid being hurt. You can't let Kylo - or anyone else - know about what you can do.

As soon as my head hit the pillow, I went out like a light. Eight days of working myself to the bone and barely sleeping four hours a night had caught up to me all at once. I fell into such a deep sleep that I was surprised that Kylo did not mistake me for being dead when he returned. 

Except of course, I didn't even hear him come back. I was so completely out of it that I only awoke 14 hours later, confused and groggy. It took me a few seconds for my eyes to adjust and for me to even figure out where I was and it didn't help in the slightest when I reached out and there was a _body_ next to me. 

My hand jerked away when it came into contact with smooth, warm skin and after my eyes adjusted I recognised Kylo's back that was facing me. I half-smiled upon seeing him asleep beside me and scooted my body closer to him, putting an arm around his waist and pressing my face into his back. The sudden sound of his voice stunned me as I had thought he was completely asleep. 

"Y/N, I'm not going to cuddle you," he said huskily, shifting away from my touch.

I rolled my eyes at him, slightly annoyed that he could go from being nice to me to being so distant. "I didn't realise you were awake."  
  
  


"I wasn't," came his answer, "but since you're so close to me, I can hear you a lot easier. As soon as you woke up, your thoughts were ringing in my head like bells."

"Oh, I didn't realise."

"Please go back to sleep. _You_ may have been resting all day but I just came in an hour ago."

"You were gone for so long?" I was shocked that he hadn't had a moment to rest since he saw me. 

He sighed and rolled over onto his back so he could look me in the face. He was sporting a sleepy (yet adorable) frown as he spoke. "I had lots to do. I didn't want to wake you when I returned because I knew how tired you were - which is clearly a courtesy you fail to award me."

"It's not like I shook you awake or anything," I mumbled, suddenly very aware that he was shirtless. I couldn't stop my hand from tracing over the ridges of his abs.

He rubbed his hands on his face as if to wash the sleep away. "It's your mind. You think so _loudly."  
_

"Maybe you should learn not to listen," I said absentmindedly, thumbing over his nipple. 

"Don't start something you can't finish," he warned, reaching out and snatching my hand, stopping it from traveling over his skin. 

I met his gaze, seeing the lust that was starting to replace the sleep there. "Why can't I finish? I really doubt that someone will interrupt us at this hour."  
  
  


As if hearing my reason, Kylo released my hand and pulled my face to his so he could kiss me hard. I grinned into his mouth, his hands finding my hips and urging me closer to his body. He paused then, breaking the kiss to look down at me. 

"Are you wearing my sleep clothes?" he accused me. 

"Oh yeah, I borrowed some," I answered, just realising my attire. "It's not like I could sleep in my uniform, it was way too uncomfortable. You don't mind do you?"  
  
  


He shook his head and reconnected our lips, making sure to roll us over so he was pinning me down again. I ran a hand down his abdomen and slipped it past the waistband of his pants. He hissed into my mouth as I wrapped my hand around his length and pulled him free. I knew how badly he needed this, we had been interrupted twice after all. 

"A little faster," he urged me against my mouth and I complied with his instructions, making him groan. He leaned on his elbow beside me, freeing his other hand to slide into my - well, his - pants. I immediately canted my hips as his long fingers grazed over my clit, moaning into his mouth. He rubbed circles into me which had me panting and squeezing his length in my hands. I dug the nails of my other hand into his biceps when he entered me with his middle finger, curling his finger inside of me. 

It honestly didn't take long for Kylo to come undone in my hand, gasping my name as he found his release. The moment he added a second finger inside me and curled both of them hitting that spot, I cried out in ecstasy. We both just lay there panting for a few seconds before I heard something.

_Gorgeous. She's gorgeous._

"What?" I asked him.

"I didn't say anything," he answered, a look of confusion coming across his face. 

I brushed it off, probably just my imagination. He nosed over my cheek, wrapping his arms around my waist and dragging my body into his. I sighed into the welcome warmth of his body, feeling more content now in his arms than I had felt in ages. I never wanted this moment to end, to go back to work - to other distractions. I just wanted it to be me and him, lying here and enjoying the feeling of the other.

I giggled into his chest, "what happened to no cuddling?"  
  
  


"Just shut up and go to sleep."

* * *

I left Kylo's quarters at around four that morning, two hours before I needed to report for my shift. I had changed back into my uniform and tried to hurry through the corridors back to my room without being seen. I really didn't want anyone to question me as to why I was up and about so early.

Just as I turned the corner to my room, I saw him standing there in front of my room door and my stomach churned with anxiety. 

What was _he_ doing here? He couldn't be coming to see me surely? Wasn't he still scared of talking to me? I really hated the idea of speaking to him with literally nobody else around to intervene if things went south. Plus this was Mink, things were _definitely_ going to go south. He was hardly here to pay me a nice chat. 

"Mink," I addressed him in a sharp tone. "Do you need something?"

  
  
He smiled at me, all teeth and a little crazy behind his eyes. It sent a shiver of unease down my spine. "That's why he intervened, isn't it?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," I swallowed. "Please excuse me."

I tried to push past him and go to my room but he stepped in front of me, blocking my path. "I saw you this morning."

Ice shot through my veins, making me panic. "Saw what?"

"You left Commander Ren's room," he accused me, pointing a finger at me. It was his weird creepy smile that was really making me uncomfortable here. "I had the late night shift and I was just coming back from it when I saw you coming out of his room."

"You're mistaken," I argued. "I was coming from the East Hang-"

"You were coming from his room," Mink lost the smile and snarled at me now. " _That's_ why he threatened me."

I was trying hard not to let my panic surface. If I played my cards right and acted confident enough, maybe Mink would question himself and become unsure. "You're wrong. I really don't know what you're-"  
  
  


He cut me off as he grabbed my arm and threw me suddenly into the wall beside my bedroom door. I gasped as my back impacted with the hard wall, knocking the air from my lungs. Mink stepped right into my space, digging his hand into my arm painfully. 

"Admit it," he snapped, "you're Kylo Ren's _whore."  
  
  
  
_ That made my blood boil in irritation and his grip on my arm was seriously restricting my bloodflow. "No, I'm not! Let _go_ of me!"

"I wouldn't scream so loudly if I was you," Mink said, his creepy smile stretching his features. "You wouldn't want to wake anyone else up and have me tell them what I know, now would you?"

"You're wrong," I fumed. "You don't know what-"  
  
  


"Shut up," he barked. "Since you're so happy playing a whore, I'm sure you can come to some understanding with me."

"Don't touch me," I warned him. There was no way he would do this right?

He started to run his hand up the side of my body but I grabbed his hand in mine and looked at him furiously. "Fuck off, Mink!"

"Or what? Your boyfriend isn't here to stop me this time."

And then I did something that I had vowed I wouldn't do. It was too risky and if I were caught, the consequences were more severe than having been caught in Kylo's bed. But there was no way in hell I was going to let this slimy weasel do _anything_ to me. 

I steeled myself, sucking in a deep breath. "Release me."

  
  
"What?" Mink said roughly, pushing me into the wall and grabbing my throat harshly. "I'm not going to-"

"Release me," I commanded again, not letting myself lose faith in myself. I couldn't have doubts now, I _needed_ this to work. I was honestly a little scared of what Mink would do to me. The only reason he hadn't tried anything in the past was because he could never get me alone.

"Are you trying to do a mind trick on me?" Mink laughed mockingly. "Ha! Being Kylo's whore really messed with your brain if you think you can-"

And maybe it was him calling me a whore for the third time that made my temper rise. 

"I said, _release me."_

Mink blinked but suddenly the pressure around my throat subsided and he took a step away from me. I would've grinned in victory if I wasn't so pissed off. 

"You'll forget everything you saw this morning," I ordered.

"I'll forget everything I saw this morning," Mink repeated back to me robotically. 

I rubbed my arm and looked him over, deciding I wasn't quite done doling out punishments. "And you'll quit your job, move to a remote planet and never bother anyone again."

  
  
"And I'll quit my job, move to a remote planet and never bother anyone again."

"Okay good," I nodded, "one last thing though." Then I drove my fist into his face as hard as I could. I yelped in pain and shook my hand but I was grinning nonetheless. Mink's head jerked backwards and he hit the floor, stunned. 

I just shooed him away and entered my room, cradling my hand against my chest. As soon as the door slid shut, I leaned against it and breathed out a sigh of relief. That was a close one, but I needed to be way more careful. I knew that force-sensitive people weren't exactly welcomed in the First Order and I couldn't risk being caught. 

The first thing I needed to do was bury this memory, to lock it up in the imaginary safe and try and force myself to not think of it. The last thing I needed was for Kylo to pick up on it and who knows what would happen next. I hated that I had no warning of whether or not he was reading my thoughts and it seemed he was able to hear a lot more of it lately. 

So instead, as way of distraction I allowed myself to hyper fixate on what Mink had said. Is that what Kylo saw me as too? Someone who he could just have physical interactions with and then dump like hot garbage the next day? What did I really mean to him? 

"Shit," I winced as I rubbed over my red knuckles.


	9. That’s Your Planet Right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Ig talk about what’s taking place on your planet — and in the galaxy. Then, a droid comes with a very important message from a specific someone.

“Did you hear?” Ig grabbed me, pulling me aside after work. “Mink quit this morning.”

I tried not to flinch — Ig was holding my arm in the same place that Mink had bruised it. I tried to subtly move his hand off of me without raising any concern from him. He didn’t seem to notice.

I had thoroughly assessed the damage done to my body and had concluded that I needed to wear my long-sleeved, turtleneck uniform today. Nothing could really be done about the redness of my knuckles, but after running them under cold water for a while they had returned to some semblance of normal. 

Mink’s grip on my throat had been unforgiving and had actually left little red lines where his fingers had dug into me. Plus, there was a purple-ish bruise forming on my arm from where he had grabbed me. Stars, I should’ve punched him with both hands. 

”I didn’t hear,” I said, “I’ve been down by the TIE fighters the whole day.” 

It wasn’t a whole lie; I hadn’t seen anyone else today till Ig, so I hadn’t actually heard anything from the rest of my crew. I mean obviously I already knew Mink was leaving, but Ig didn’t have to know that.

“Apparently he just quit out of the blue,” Ig explained further. “Handed in his resignation to Hux and boarded a ship within the same hour.” 

I shrugged, “maybe he got tired of the job.” 

Ig ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I suppose, still it’s weird that he left so suddenly. You’d come tell me first if you ever decided to quit right?” 

I laughed and pushed his shoulder playfully. “Why would I leave without saying goodbye? You’re like my only friend in the world.”

“Hey, you and that Stormtrooper seem to be on very good terms,” Ig pointed out, grinning at me as we walked toward the cafeteria. We were hoping to make it in time for the late dinner slot, otherwise both of us would have to go to bed hungry. 

“Yeah, because he’s cool,” I answered, “but don’t say that so loudly. If anyone overhears, then they’ll send him to reconditioning and well... he won’t be the same.” 

“Then I’ll _really_ be your only friend in the world,” Ig teased. 

“Jealousy is not a good colour on you,” I said, sticking my tongue out at him, grabbing a metal tray and taking my place in the cafeteria’s queue. “Oh! I haven’t been able to talk to you in so long, I just remembered. Did you manage to fix the busted engine on the Lieutenant’s ship?” 

Ig shook his head, sighing irritably. I could see he was disappointed in himself. “Nah, it was too busted. I went down to Naboo where they had crashed with two other engineers — none of us could fix it though.” 

“Naboo! What was that like?” I asked in awe. “From what I’ve heard, that planet is supposed to be so beautiful.” 

“I actually didn’t get to see a lot of it,” Ig admitted. “They just _had_ to crash in a remote part on it.”

I finally made it to the front of the queue, grabbed my dehydrated rations and Ig and I found a table near the back. Not a lot of people were here at this hour, just a few Stormtroopers and maybe one or two pilots. 

“What I _do_ know though is that the Resistance is getting very bold,” Ig continued, keeping his voice hushed. “Their pilots are now actively targeting our ships with more... ferocity.” 

“Yeah, that’s why so many ships came in this last week,” I nodded, taking a bite of the monochrome food. It didn’t really taste like anything, but I knew that it had all the nutrients I would need. 

“They seem to have taken over Naboo,” Ig continued, “I think that’s why the Lieutenant’s ship got blasted from the sky. I mean, obviously they didn’t tell us but it wasn’t hard to guess.” 

“Really? The Resistance is setting up bases on Naboo now?” I was shocked. 

“Maybe,” Ig shrugged. “I don’t know if they’re that stupid though. Surely they know that Naboo is constantly monitored by us.” 

“But if they’re supplying the Resistance with resources, it makes sense why they’re suddenly getting so bold,” I told him. “More allies — especially one like Naboo — grants them a lot more power.” 

Ig thought this over. “If that’s true, then First Order will deploy troops over to seize control over that planet.” 

I looked around and noticed nobody was paying us any attention. I hoped that Kylo wasn’t tuning into the radio station of my mind right now either. “Speaking of which, there’s something happening on Hosnian Prime.”

Ig raised his eyebrows. “That’s your planet right? How do you know?”

I imagined a wall around my mind, one that was impenetrable. Then just for good measure, I thought: _Fuck off if you’re listening. It’s_ my _planet and I can talk about it if I want to._

”I just heard that the Knights of Ren keep getting deployed there,” I replied, “I-I won’t lie when I say I’m getting a little worried. The New Republic’s government isn’t known to be easily intimidated.” 

“You think they’re resistant to an alliance with the First Order?” Ig questioned. 

“Well why else would they be deploying the _Knights of freaking Ren_. For their fantastic conversational skills?”

Ig laughed, but grew solemn after a second. “Yeah, now that you say that — it can’t be good.” 

“I just know that if the First Order wants them to come under control, that there’s a massive chance that they’ll fight them. I’m worried about what that means for my planet’s future.” 

Ig spoke, “but do they really think that they could beat the First Order? They’ll just be expending their resources. ” 

I sighed, “yeah. I just hope they do the right thing and come under control.”

Ig scraped his last bite into his mouth and chewed it thoughtfully. He swallowed then said, “I think what’s happening is that more and more people are relying on the Resistance. As they make bolder and bolder moves, people really believe they can take on the First Order.” 

Ig looked at me sideways before asking, “what made you leave anyway?” 

I shrugged, “I was an engineer and the First Order was hiring. They visited my planet and offered me a good pay, so I was recruited. There’s more work to do here than there was back home.”

”Do you ever miss your family?” he asked, growing serious with me. 

“Yeah, I do,” I admitted. “But when we’re able to take leave from work then I’ll go and visit. It’ll be nice to see them after so long.” 

I remembered when I had first joined the First Order. Ig and I had arrived on the same day, travelling in the same shuttle nervous, yet excited. That’s how we had ended up being such good friends — we had been together literally since day one. 

Still, it had been a few months since I had last been home and all the hubbub about my planet had me feeling a little more homesick than I would have liked. Maybe I should think about taking leave a little early. 

Ig must’ve noticed my mood because he placed a hand over mine comfortingly.

“Don’t worry, Y/N. I’m sure your planet will see reason eventually. Soon they’ll realise that they can’t survive without the First Order and they’ll understand how pivotal our role is to the galaxy. The Resistance will fall — they can’t keep up their efforts for long.” 

I felt a tug in my heart, something telling me that I didn’t really agree with everything Ig was saying. But I had to agree, didn’t I? I worked for the First Order, I believed they could restore order to the galaxy. I had gone through the training: my loyalty was to the First Order always, before anything else. I had to serve and do my duty for my galaxy.

Right? 

“Yeah, I hope so,” I said, a little defeated, but I managed a smile. 

“Oh, so I received my next assignment,” Ig said, trying to turn the conversation toward a lighter topic. “I get to choose my partner by the way.” 

“Oh and how sad that your dear friend Mink left just this morning,” I teased. “I wonder whoever will you choose now?"

Ig rolled his eyes at me. "Obviously, I choose you. We've got plans aboard-"

But Ig was interrupted by a droid that had suddenly appeared beside our table. "Ma'am, Commander Ren has requested to meet you in board room A. He is waiting there with the rest of the Knights of Ren." 

"Huh?" I was confused. "But it's almost eleven PM. I'm off the clock."

"Yes Ma'am," the droid spoke robotically. "He said it is in regard to the ship you will design."

" _What_?" Ig gasped. "You're designing a ship for the Commander?"

"Oh yeah. I forgot to tell you."

"You _forgot_ to tell me?" Ig punched my shoulder. 

"Ow!" I snapped, rubbing it. "I forgot myself even! A lot has happened since then."

I turned and thanked the droid. "Okay, tell him I will be right there, I'll need to grab my holopad."

The droid left without hesitation after that. I figured that because I had technically gotten a day off yesterday, that Kylo needed to dip into my off-duty hours to make up for it. I sighed, did this man ever sleep?

"He asked me to do it yesterday," I explained to Ig. 

"What about the ship they have now?"

"Apparently it's in a really bad shape. Commander Ren wants the new one designed with a better defense system in place."

Ig sighed but he grinned. I knew he'd be happy for me — this was _huge._

_"_ I'll see you later then," he said, giving me a tight hug. "Have fun with the Commander."

Oh dude, you have no idea. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who left comments! it actually means more to me than you know to hear that you actually like this.   
> i really love to hear what you think!


	10. You Mean More To Me Than That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re briefed on what kind of ship you will be designing for the Knights. Kylo finds out what Mink did to you and is extremely protective of you.

I took a breath, steadying myself before I entered the boardroom. The Knights all looked up at me as I walked in, a few leaning in and whispering to each other. Kylo was sitting at the head of the conference table at the back of the room, dressed in his usual robes and helmet.

“Thank you for finally joining us, Engineer,” he announced, clasping his leather hands on the table. 

I gave a short bow before taking my seat at the table. “Apologies Commander. I wasn’t made aware of the meeting until a few minutes ago.”

Didn’t Kylo say that he had asked me to be the engineer for this project so we could have more alone time together? Why would he invite the Knights here then?

As if hearing me, (which was highly likely) Kylo spoke. “The Knights are here to discuss their ideas for the new ship.” 

Kylo turned to address the Knights then. “Make your suggestions quickly and briefly. If your input is valid and reasonable, the engineer will see to it being included in her first draft.” 

The Knights spoke amongst themselves then, discussing things like the intensity of blaster cannons and the size of the ship. I made aimless notes on my holopad, waiting for them to tell me anything definitive. 

Finally one of them spoke, “the ship should be able to move fast. The reason why our old ship took so much damage was because it was too slow to manœuvre away from threats.” 

I nodded, writing their suggestions down. I had drawn up a very very rough sketch of what the ship would look like and around where its engines would go, I made sure to note that it needed to be able to accommodate for more energy.

“And we need blasters that are more flexible,” one of the Knights spoke up. “The old ship was so hard to shoot in, you had to angle the _craft_ because you couldn’t move the blasters. That’s too tedious.” 

“And that leaves us open to attacks,” another piped up. “Include more blasters too. Don’t have them stationed only at the south end of the ship, but also at the front and the sides. Allow for multiple blasters to be operated at the same time.” 

“Oh that’s a good one,” one of the other Knights nodded. “We do need way more blasters.” 

“And maybe make it quieter?” one of them asked me.

”Quieter? I can’t exactly put a silencer on the engine,” I said, laughing. “The exhausts are all external from the ship, making sure that the engine doesn’t overheat and explode. Because of that I can’t—”

”Fine, whatever,” he replied, rolling his eyes. I bit my tongue in irritation, I didn’t like the blatant disrespect they had for me. 

But I knew they could give less than two shits about me. To them I was just staff, here to take their orders. Someone they could boss around as if I wasn’t a real person. 

I wasn’t scared of Kylo anymore; I knew that he would never do anything to hurt me. But the Knights were different. They were unpredictable and I knew I was expendable to them. If anything happened to me, they would just call upon another engineer to take my place. 

Kylo sat up a little straighter then before he said, “we need a better defense system in place as well. Boundary shields that can protect the ship.”

“Like forcefields?” I asked and he nodded. I ran a hand through my hair. “I-I can do that for you Commander but it’ll be at the cost of speed.” 

Kylo thought this over, but made a noise of understanding. “I see.” 

“Are you getting all of this down?” one of them snapped at me. “I don’t want my breath to be wasted.” 

“I am,” I grit my teeth.

The one who spoke turned to Kylo. “Commander are you sure this girl is capable of this? Maybe we should consult a second opinion from another engineer.”

I knew what was happening. They were undermining me due to their own stupid bias. It had happened way too much in the past, Lieutenants choosing Ig over me or not taking my insight seriously. I opened my mouth to snap something rude but was interrupted. 

“I would not have appointed this job to an incompetent person. Don’t disrespect the engineer,” Kylo said harshly, making sure to shut them all up. “Now, is there anything else?”

I tried not to smile, to keep my face neutral. Honestly I was pretty thrilled that Kylo had come to my defense. 

“I also want a bigger room,” one of them said, laughing. “With a huge window so I—“ 

“Shut up Ushar,” Kylo snapped. I could tell that his patience was wearing thin. “Are you all finished?”

The Knights seemed to rumble in unison, turning to Kylo for their next instruction. He nodded, standing up. 

“You are all dismissed then. I will speak to the engineer privately about my thoughts and ideas. You may all rest until training tomorrow.” Kylo waved his hand and the Knights stood to leave. They bumped each other’s shoulders, talking good-naturedly and laughing as they left the room. 

Oh. So _now_ I was alone with Kylo. 

He thrust his hand toward the open door and an invisible force slammed it shut. He sighed, his shoulders dropping as he walked toward me. 

“I know you have drawn up a rough draft already,” he said to me. “Show it to me.”

Without another word I handed him my holopad, stifling a yawn as I did so. What time was it? Now that the Knights weren’t here to make me feel at unease, I found myself quickly relaxing. Kylo’s presence around me was very welcome, he always made me feel safe and comfortable. Too comfortable clearly, because I suddenly felt my eyelids grow very heavy. 

“You’re tired?” he asked me without looking up from my holopad. He was standing right next to where I was seated, so close to me that if I just reached out a little I would be able to touch his thigh. 

“A little,” I admitted. “But I’ll still listen to any requests that you have, Commander.”

”I see you’ve drawn curved walls,” he noted. 

“The curvature of the ship will allow-”

”For enemy blasters to be more easily deflected,” he finished. “Yes. That’s very good insight.”

I smiled, happy that I had pleased him. I wanted him to know that I was more than capable for the job. I shifted forward in my chair a little so that I could lean my face against Kylo’s thigh. He absentmindedly reached down to run his gloved hand through my hair, still thoroughly surveying the blueprints. 

I couldn’t help blushing from the affectionate gesture. I wondered if he was even conscious of his actions. I closed my eyes, just enjoying the feeling of his leg on my cheek, his hand in my hair. 

“Okay,” he said then, making me snap my eyes open and sit up straighter to look at him. “This is good work. I look forward to see how you incorporate our input.” 

I stood up, only coming up to his chest in height. He towered over me like the mountain that he was.

”Um, I’ll see you later then,” I said a little awkwardly. Fuck, I didn’t want to go back to my room without him. I missed him. 

“Well, it’s not like I’m going to come to your quarters with you,” he said. I rolled my eyes that he was listening to me. He must’ve felt my disappointment because he reached a hand to cup my cheek. “But, you can come back with me if you want.” 

I nodded quickly. “Yeah, yeah. I love your bed.” 

“Hmm, I’m sure that’s the only reason.”

Kylo turned and strode out of the conference room, not waiting for me. I had to basically keep up a short jog in order to accommodate for his long legs. I knew he was walking extra quickly to ensure that nobody would catch me coming back with him. Luckily for both of us, it was a late hour and there wasn’t a lot of foot traffic. He entered his room and ushered me in hurriedly. 

I yawned as soon as I saw his bed. “Oh! I forgot that I don’t have anything to sleep in.” 

Kylo removed his helmet which I was so grateful for. He grinned at me cheekily, “then wear nothing.”

I glared at him and he laughed, “what’s wrong with my clothes? You were happy to wear them last night.” 

“Um, If you don’t mind,” I said, following him over to his closet. He pulled out a set for me and leaned on the wall, watching me intently.

”Are you going to turn around so I can change?” I asked him. 

“I don’t plan on it.” 

I rolled my eyes at him and turned around myself. As soon as I pulled my turtleneck off, I realised my mistake. Kylo made a strangled noise behind me, rushing forward and twisting me around so I faced him. 

I instantly clapped my hand over my throat, swearing myself quietly for being so stupid and forgetting about the red marks. 

“I didn’t do this, did I?” Kylo’s voice was full of concern, pulling my hand down so he could closely inspect my neck. 

I slapped his hand away, pulling his silk shirt over my head. Even though it was massive on me, it did nothing to conceal the red marks on my throat. “No, of course _you_ didn’t.”

”Then who did?” Kylo snapped, but his anger wasn’t directed toward me. “What happened? Tell me right now.” 

“I just... got into an argument with a coworker,” I explained slowly. I was trying not to think about it in a lot of detail, I couldn’t risk Kylo knowing what I had done. Keep it under control, Y/N. Stay calm, don’t think about it in detail. Do not panic. 

” _Who_?” Kylo was furious, thumbing over the harsher purple bruise on my arm. “Was it that friend of yours?”

”Who, Ig? No of course not,” I answered. “Ig wouldn’t hurt me. It... it’s fine really Kylo. He can’t do anything anymore... he quit this morning.” 

“ _Who_ quit, Y/N? You haven’t given me a name yet.” 

“It was Mink. He was the one who was flirting with me that day when you threw him into the wall,” I explained. “But really don’t worry, he quit and he’s gone.”

”That slinky weasel,” Kylo snarled, pacing away from me. “I’ll have the Knights put out a hit on him—“

”Don’t do that,” I tried to reason with him. “How will you explain why you want to kill some random engineer? He quit. He can’t get to me anymore.” 

Kylo didn’t seem any less concerned. “Just let it go, Kylo. It’s okay.” I pulled his face down to mine, pressing a light kiss on his lips that he didn’t reciprocate. I knew he was furious but really there was nothing he could do. I felt my chest warm at the fact that he was acting so protective of me. 

“Tell me why he hurt you,” he demanded sternly. Oh no.   
  


Don’t incriminate yourself, Y/N. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.   
  


Except when you try really hard not to think about something, it’s suddenly the only thoughts that occupied your mind.

_“You’re Kylo Ren’s_ **whore**.” 

The word ‘whore’ rang through my head like an explosion and from the widening of Kylo’s eyes, I knew he had heard.

”What? You’re my _what_?” Kylo was fuming again. “Is that what you think?”

”No, it’s not what _I_ think,” I said. “It’s just what Mink said to me. He saw me leaving your room and... well yeah.”

Kylo regarded me with a solemn look. “And then he strangled you? How did you get away from him?” 

“Uh, Ig caught us,” I said quickly. “He managed to stop him and then threatened to tell Hux if he didn’t quit.” 

Kylo raised his eyebrows at me. I knew that he knew I was lying, but he couldn’t figure out why. It’s not like I was going to tell him. 

“Just please don’t press this,” I implored him. “Trust me when I say that it’s all fine.” 

I knew he didn’t like that but he sighed, letting his shoulders drop. He nodded, stepping closer to me. 

“You mean more to me than... than what he said,” he said softly, running his fingers over my arm while deliberately avoiding my bruise. The vulnerability he was showing me was enough to melt my heart. “I—I don’t know what, exactly. But... I just know it’s... more.” 

I smiled, bringing him in for another kiss, which he did reciprocate this time. I couldn’t help smiling against his mouth, until he pulled away and looked me over with concern. 

“You’re sure you’re okay?” he asked softly, gently tracing the red lines on my throat with his forefinger. 

“Yeah,” I said, smiling at him. “I promise I’m good.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so hopefully you guys don’t mind kylo being a softie. almost all the fics i read of him is him being rough and tumble and distant and i just like him being sweet for a change. 
> 
> thank you again for leaving comments! it really helps me so much ❤️


	11. You’re A Distraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo explains to you how much of a distraction you are to him. Then, you proceed to distract him A LOT more. (Yeah you guys finally bang.)

Kylo left me alone for a while, saying he needed to meditate before bed and slipped into a different room that I didn’t even know was here. 

  
I didn’t think too much of it, getting into his bed and rubbing the smooth silk on my cheek. I was ruined for life; I would never be able to have another good night’s sleep in my own scratchy, tiny bed. 

I rolled onto my stomach and reached for my holopad, deciding to bump out a rough sketch before I went to bed. I was tired but my brain was thinking too much for me to sleep yet. I had already started thinking of a few things to incorporate into the ship’s design — trying to figure out how to make sure that all the Knights’ suggestions were included. 

The one problem that I would have would be the shields. Having them would mean that the ship needed to be able to exert much more energy in order to power them. The problem was that this would come at the cost of speed and I knew that the Knights wanted their new ship to be faster. 

I wanted Kylo to have a reason to be proud of me and to also know that I was _really_ good at my job. I was more than capable of fulfilling this task and I wanted to prove that. I was tired of having to take the backseat to Ig or any of the other male engineers because my superiors underestimated me — this was my chance to show them all that they were wrong.

I wasn’t going to fail, that was for sure. 

I was still caught up in working out the equations for a bigger engine when the lights suddenly turned off, leaving me in the dark. Before I could move, I felt two hands at my hips, pulling me back into solid chest.

Kylo left a kiss at the exposed skin on my neck, reaching out to snatch my holopad away from me and put it down. 

I turned in his grasp so that my head could rest on his bare chest and I could squint up at him in the dark. ”Hey, I was working.” 

“Trust me, I _know,”_ he made a pained noise. “I couldn’t meditate because I could hear your entire thought process.” 

“Have you figured out how to sever your connection to my mind?” I asked him sincerely. I really did not like that our relationship was one-sided. If he could eavesdrop on me, then I at least wanted to be able to eavesdrop on him too. 

“Not yet,” he answered, rubbing circles into the small of my back. “I’m trying to meditate more often so I can feel a deeper connection to the force. I’m sure that with time, your thoughts will stop plaguing me.”

”Oh, plaguing you?” I mocked him. “My apologies, Commander, I didn’t realise I was such a nuisance to you.”

“I already explained to you that you’re a distraction,” he said. “And as it is, I can’t even meditate if you’re in the general vicinity of me now.”

I opened my mouth to speak but he rested his forefinger against my lips, forcing me to shut up. He ran his thumb over my bottom lip, dragging it down a little before he leaned his face closer to mine.

”It’s not all bad,” he whispered softly. “Especially when I get to hear all those delightful little thoughts you have when you’re thinking about me.”

I swallowed, my interest instantly piquing as I felt his fingers tracing my collarbone. “What?”

“You know when you’re alone,” he let his voice drop into that rumbly octave that had me keening. “Like you were on your lunch break today, you want back to your room and—”

I felt my cheeks start to turn into fire. “Oh my stars _stop_.”

But Kylo just ran his fingers along the inside of my leg, making me clamp my thighs shut to relieve the throb starting to form. 

“And I heard you thinking of my fingers,” he brought his mouth to my ear, grabbing my hip so that I couldn’t squirm away from him. “And I got to hear all about how you like the sound of my voice, about how you wanted me to use my tongue—”

“Kylo, _stars_ stop,” I was so mortified. “You heard that?” 

“Oh, I heard it all,” he rumbled. “I only wish I could’ve seen that face you make when you come.”

I couldn’t help the soft sigh I gave as he slotted his hand in between my thighs, knowing he could feel the heat that was emanating from me now. 

“Except you didn’t get to come, did you?” he lifted his hand to my mouth, pressing the tip of his thumb against my lips again. I opened my mouth obediently, letting his thumb into it and swirling my tongue around the tip. He hissed, jerking my body so that I was sitting on his lap. 

“Couldn’t come without me?” he asked. He pulled his thumb out of my mouth and I let it make a soft ‘ _pop_ ’ as it left my lips. I shook my head in answer. 

“Use your words,” he smirked.

”Why should I? You can hear my thoughts anyway,” I replied. “I um, really hate that you heard that.”

”Mmm,” he said, directing my legs so that I was straddling his waist, my hands resting on his chest. “If it helps, it was certainly the best part of my day.” 

“Maybe you should have found me before the end of the fantasy then.” 

“Trust me, I would’ve if I wasn’t so busy,” he said. “I could feel your frustration when you couldn’t get yourself to finish.” 

“Just... just shut up,” I said to him, thoroughly embarrassed. I pulled his face into mine so that I could kiss him. He smirked against my mouth, but his hands dug into my hips when I started to grind against his lap. 

He held me in place, wrapping his arm around my lower back, his muscles tensing. In one single movement that had me gasp, he twisted his hips and rolled us over so that I was underneath him. 

I had to moan when he kissed down my neck, bucking my hips up into him to do anything to alleviate the ache. He reached down to pull his sleep shirt that I was wearing over my head, tossing it behind him somewhere.

”Oh, Kylo,” I sighed as his hands went to my breasts. 

_So perfect. Shit, I can’t wait to feel her clench around me like when I use my fingers._

I almost moaned at what he said — but he hadn’t said that. He couldn’t have said _anything_ because his lips were currently wrapped around my left nipple. Maybe I had just imagined it.

He lifted my hips, pulling off my pants and exposing me to the air. I won’t lie, the feeling of the silk on my bare, hot skin was amazing. I reached down to undo the ties on his own pants, noticing the slight shake of my hands as I did so.

”I know you haven’t done this before,” he said to me, having picked up on my nervousness. “I promise that I’ll make it good for you.” 

“How—how do you...” I couldn’t get the words out when I felt his fingers start to circle my clit.

What I was trying to ask was how the hell he knew that but to be honest, I knew the answer already. The man was constantly digging through my head, he must’ve heard me thinking about my inexperience at some point. I couldn’t help bucking my hips when I felt him start entering two fingers into me. 

“Impatient?” he chuckled, thoroughly amused at how undone I was coming. 

“Like you’re not,” I countered, running my hand down his torso and gripping his erection. As soon as he added a third finger, I groaned and smashed his mouth to mine again in a hungry kiss. 

I whimpered at the loss of contact when he removed his fingers and sat up on my elbows so I could watch him stroke himself slowly, using my lingering wetness on his fingers as lube. I felt a rush of nervousness as he lined himself up and he tapped the outside of my knee with his spare hand.

”Relax,” he purred. “I can see how tense you are.”

I nodded, forcing myself to calm down since I knew that he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. I grit my teeth as he started to push in, his dick obviously so much larger than his fingers — and way more than anything I was used to. 

He moaned when he had pushed all the way in, settling his hips and letting me adjust to the feel of him. It was a painful stretch as I got used to him and it felt like he had struck a match and lit my body on fire. I didn’t realise how badly I needed him until this moment now.

“Okay, you can move,” I instructed him. 

He nodded, panting as he pulled himself all the way out and then shoving slowly back in. Both of us moaned in unison at the feel of him sliding in and out and in and out. The pain had subsided after the third stroke and it was starting to feel really _really_ good. 

“Oh shit, Kylo,” I groaned as his fingers found my clit again. “Oh god, almost.” 

“Yeah, me too,” he breathed. “Say my name again.”

”Kylo,” I threw my head back and clamped my eyes shut. One of my hands went up to tug on his hair while the other stayed firmly on his bicep. I dug my nails into his skin, leaving little red crescent moons all over his arm. 

“Are you going to come, sweetheart?” his voice was deeper than it had ever been. He snapped his hips in a way that had him right against my spot and I felt myself instantly explode. 

I spewed his name in a string of just: “kylokylokylokylokylo”s, clenching around him as I came. He swore, that little act of mine having driven him over the edge.

”That’s my girl,” he hummed.

He collapsed beside me, careful not to crush me with the weight of his body. He kept his arm over my torso as I tried to bring myself down from my high. It made me smile that he didn’t want there to be any distance between us. 

“So,” I smirked, turning to look at him panting beside me. “Does that mean I can sleep here again tomorrow?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, thanks to everyone who left comments on the last chapter!! it makes me so excited to wake up and hear what you guys think.
> 
> it also helps me to update more lol so let me know your thoughts about this chapter :)


	12. I Defied A Direct Order

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Kylo open up to each other somewhat and you learn of his past. You realise just how much you're falling for this man and hope that he feels the same way about you. Then, FN-2187 reveals something that has your entire world crumbling.

When I was leaving Kylo’s room this morning, he had drawn me into his body, wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me gently as a way to say goodbye. My stomach had fluttered from the gesture and I ran my fingers along his cheek and promised I’d meet him back here in the evening. As I walked through the corridors back toward the engineers’ quarters, I couldn’t help but think about how I might actually be falling for him.And I mean _really_ falling hard for him.

Which scared me more than anything else.

I knew that Kylo saw me more than someone that he could just have a physical relationship with. He had made that very clear when he made me stay up all of last night just so he could talk to me.

_“Did you live anywhere else before you came to work for the First order?” he asked, rubbing his thumb along the line of my cheekbone._

_“No,” I admitted, “straight from Hosnian Prime to Starkiller base. I haven’t travelled much either, but I’d really like to go to Naboo someday. Apparently it’s beautiful.”_

_Kylo chuckled, “when I was a child, I once heard of a planet that was barren during the day... just red dust for miles. But come evening, under the light from its seven moons these beautiful silver flowers would sprout from the red earth. They would live for that night and die as soon as the first morning rays touched their petals, turning back to dust.”_

_“Does a place like that really exist?” I asked him._

_He shrugged. “I doubt it. It was just one stupid story my father used to tell me before bed.”_

_I shifted so that I could lay my back on his chest, my head on his shoulder. He moved his arm so that he could put it around me, his other hand intertwining our fingers. The intimacy of the movement was almost overwhelming. I never expected to be like this with my Commander. If you had told me a few months ago that I would be in the arms of Kylo Ren, I would've laughed so hard that I punctured a lung._

_“What planet are you from?” I asked him._

_He seemed to tense under me for a second before he relaxed again. “My homeworld is Chandrilla. But I didn’t live there for long.”_

_  
  
“Oh. Then where did you go?”_

_  
  
“I was sent to train with my uncle.” The answer was curt, abrupt. I could sense that he was reluctant to tell me but I wanted to know everything about him._

_“Why? What happened to your parents?” I turned so that I could look at him. His eyes were dark, no longer holding their usual bright spark that he had whenever he looked at me._

_“I don’t know where they are. They could be dead for all I care.”_

_  
  
“Kylo! Don’t say that,” I said, shocked by his confession._

_He softened, starting to explain his reasoning. “My parents were not the best caretakers of me. They thought me a monster and banished me to live with my uncle who then tried to kill me.”_

_“He tried to kill you?” I couldn’t suppress the surprise in my voice._

_“Yes, sweetheart. He saw that I was strong with the force and he felt threatened by me. I haven’t seen my parents since then and I never plan to.” He leaned forward to press a kiss to my temple. “I don’t wish to talk about this anymore. Tell me more about your childhood.”_

The other bad thing that came from this was that I was _dying_ to tell somebody about it, to analyse what Kylo said to me and what we were doing together. But I couldn’t.

It’s not that I didn’t trust Ig or anything, I knew he wouldn’t report me to Hux; it was just that I also knew that he wouldn’t understand. He would think that Kylo was abusing his position as my superior and that I was too afraid to say no to him. But that wasn’t the case at all — I mean Kylo _had_ told me once that if I said no, he would never bother me again. The thing was, I was never going to say no.

So in conclusion: I was dying to talk to somebody about what was happening in my life and the only person I _could_ tell was Kylo. Since I definitely wasn’t going to tell him to his face how gorgeous I thought he was, I had to bottle it up and pretend nothing was happening as I went to work.

“Y/N!” Ig called to me when he caught sight of me in the engine room. “Come on, we need to be at the West Hangar in five minutes.”

  
  
I paused, blinking at him a little confused. “Uh, for what?”

“Did you forget? I made you my assignment partner, remember?” Ig clasped his hand in mine and tugged me down the corridor.

“Oh right!” I exclaimed. “What are we doing?”

  
  
“We need to prepare a few ships,” Ig replied, hurrying his step. “There’s going to be a raid on a planet tonight.”

  
  
 _Universe_ , I prayed silently, _let it be anywhere else other than Hosnian Prime._

“Uh, do you know if it’s—”

Ig shot me a sideways glance and shook his head. “No, I don’t know if it’s your planet. If I hear anything, I’ll tell you first.”

* * *

Eventually, I had managed to overhear that they were raiding some desert planet that I hadn’t heard about before.

I didn’t know what they were looking for,but I did know that Captain Phasma’s ship had been deployed as well as Kylo’s, so it was pretty serious. Ig and I had had to run around, making sure everything was fuelled and ready for them.

I bumped into FN-2187 as he was boarding a ship. I would’ve asked him what was going on but he was with his troop and it was inappropriate. I didn’t want to do anything that would put him at risk for reconditioning. None of them came back the same after that.

  
  
Ig and I were sitting patiently in the hangar, chatting aimlessly as we waited for everyone to come back. A lot of the other engineers were busy with something happening in the Command Shuttle — they were trying to intercept a message that had been sent to the Resistance.

Or something along those lines. Again, all our information came from whatever conversations we could eavesdrop on.

“It has to be something to do with the Resistance,” Ig said to me, biting into a dehydrated ration that he had snuck away from the cafeteria. He offered some to me but I declined politely. “What else would they be doing on Jakku?”

“Probably,” I shrugged. “I’ll tell you when I find out tonight.”

“What? How are you going to find out?”

I tensed, realising my mistake. It’s not like I could say that Kylo would tell me. “Um, I’ll ask FN-2187.”

“Oh right. I forgot you guys were friends.”

We both rose instantly when we saw the doors to the hangar opening, rushing out to go meet the ships as they landed. I immediately recognised Kylo’s and felt a tug that made me want to go over to his ship first. I knew I couldn’t, so I stayed beside Ig as we watched the Stormtroopers and Captain Phasma descend from their ship.

A few troopers were roughly dragging a man with them. I couldn’t help but notice he was quite handsome, wearing an old bomber jacket that made me instantly realise he wasn't any old scavenger that they had picked up. Was this sole man the reason for a whole raid to take place? Who was he that he had half of the First Order racing to catch him?

He struggled in their grip, shouting curses at them until one of them hit him over the head with their blaster. He instantly went limp in their arms, having been knocked out cold.

“Put him in the interrogation room,” Captain Phasma instructed them. “Commander Ren will see to him there.”

  
  
My attention was instantly captured at those words. I wondered what Kylo would do to this man.

But then I saw something more concerning. One of the Stormtroopers had a red mark running down the front of their helmet, strongly resembling a bloody handprint. They were shaking, holding their blaster tightly as if it would ground them. As soon as everyone’s focus was diverted, they quickly slipped away into a sideroom.

I wouldn’t have cared if I hadn’t read the badge number and realised exactly who it was.

“Give me a second, I’ll be right back,” I spoke to Ig. He opened his mouth to protest but I flashed him a look of warning.

I quickly moved to the where I had seen him dash to, making sure nobody was looking at me as I did so. Everyone was either caught up with the prisoner or talking together in groups about the next course of action.

I entered the room and saw FN-2187 panting heavily, his helmet discarded on the floor. I hadn’t seen his real face for weeks but I would have recognised it anywhere.

“What are you doing?” I hissed at him, looking around and making sure nobody was coming. “If Phasma sees that you’ve removed your helmet you’ll be—”

“I— I couldn’t do it,” he breathed, his face stricken with sheer panic. “I— c-c-couldn’t fulfil the order.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked him. “What happened?”

  
  
“W-we were told to kill the whole village,” FN-2187 said, his voice cracking. “I—I couldn’t. I couldn’t just slaughter innocent people.”

  
  
“Who told you to do that?” I was as shocked as he was, feeling a sharp knife of dread twist in my stomach.

He was shaking, tears coming to his eyes as he relived the trauma of the moment. “I defied a direct order. They—they’re going to send me to reconditioning.”

“I’ll help you,” I told him quickly. “Just put your helmet back on, we can work through this. I’ll hide you in my room until you’re… okay enough to carry on.”

I didn’t want to lose my friend. I was going to do whatever it took to help him, he clearly needed me right now. He was a _mess._ I mean who wouldn't be after something like this? 

  
  
“No, you don’t understand,” he snapped, grabbing me and pulling me toward him. “I— I can’t do this. I can’t be asked to kill innocent people — it’s _sick._ You didn’t…you didn’t…didn’t see.”

I swallowed, my heart starting to beat loudly in my chest. There was only two people who had gone to Jakku who had the authority to give a command like that. Please, universe, please don't let it be him. 

“Who gave the order?” I whispered, my pulse pounding so hard that it almost hurt. “Who told you to kill innocent people?”

“Who else?” FN-2187 spat. “The order came from Commander Ren.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all downhill from here ;)
> 
> bienvenue to a favourite pilot though


	13. Home, Of Course

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You calm FN-2187 down and then go to confront Kylo about what you've learned.

It couldn't have been real. My heart had jumped and lodged itself in my throat like a rock that I couldn't swallow down. FN-2187 was clutching onto the wall for some stability, trying not to spiral into a full blown panic attack. 

"I can't do this, Y/N," he whispered. 

“It’s your job,” I replied to him, trying to focus on calming him down.

“But I don’t want it to be,” he said quickly. “Not anymore. Not after this. I refuse to do it.”

"What you're talking about is... treasonous to the First Order," I said to him. I needed to calm him down before anyone else saw him like this. The last thing we needed was for someone to overhear and send my dear friend to reconditioning. "You have to pull it together, FN-2187."

"Or what?" he snapped, shooting me a glare. "They'll kill me? Like they killed those villagers?"

"Yes," I swallowed, remembering _who_ had given that order. I wouldn't cry, but it felt like this Stormtrooper had lodged a blade between my ribs. "They'll kill you or send you to reconditioning. Those are your only options here."

"No," he shook his head, holding his face in his hands. “No."

"Please '87," I begged him. "Just put your helmet on until I can figure out what to do, okay?"

"What can _you_ do?" The hopelessness that was etched into his face was heartbreaking. 

I didn't know the answer to that. The only thing I _did_ know was that I did not want my friend to be hurt. I— I didn’t have a lot of friends and as it was turning out, I was really in the need of some now.

"I'll do... something," I told him, shrugging. "Just... go to your quarters before someone sees you."  
  
  


He seemed to come back to focus, nodding his head and wiping the stray tears that had fallen onto his cheeks. He replaced his helmet and I tried not to grimace at the bloody hand print that was smeared across it. He left me there, in that corner, feeling as if he had stuck his hand down my throat and pulled out my vocal cords. 

Kylo. I couldn't believe that he could be capable of something like that. Except, I could — couldn't I? I knew the rumours all too well: I knew what he was capable of. I had heard what everyone said about him, what he had done to people in the past. Why didn't I want to believe them?

Because I knew the other side of Kylo. The side that was sweet, protective of me even — the side I could talk to.

But FN-2187's face of horror was painted behind my eyelids and I saw it every time I blinked. I couldn't imagine what he had seen tonight, what had shaken him so badly that he was seriously considering never working for the First Order again. 

Except there was no such thing. They would make him work… or they would kill him. He didn’t get out of this arrangement, I knew that. It was different with Stormtroopers. They _belonged_ to the First Order, with nothing more in the way of an identity other than a string of numbers.

What the hell had happened on Jakku tonight?  
  
  


* * *

I paced the halls, unable to bring myself to Kylo's quarters. I wasn't sure I could face him and pretend that I was okay. He would instantly know that something was wrong with me — that is, if he didn't know already. 

I had turned the Stormtrooper's words over and over in my head for the last three hours so the chances of Kylo having picked up on it was highly likely. I was still a little ways away from his room but I already knew he wasn't there. Some of the other troopers had spoken about how he was busy interrogating the prisoner, but I hadn't figured out why yet. 

Kylo had told me the key code to his room, so I decided to go there and wait for him before I had a chance to change my mind. I was going to force him to tell me exactly what had happened tonight or… or… I don’t know what I’d do actually. I didn’t really have a lot of leverage to work with.

I waited on his bed, bunching the silk in my fists anxiously. What would I say to him? I couldn’t outright demand an explanation from him. But I did need to know his motives, I needed to know he hadn’t just made a careless order. When the door to his room finally opened, he entered donned in his usual threatening attire. He regarded me cooly from behind his helmet and I sat up, trying not to let my nervousness show.

“Why are you so worked up?” he said, his voice stiff as it was filtered out by the synthesiser in his helmet. “What has happened that has made you so upset? You were thinking too fast for me to hear anything concise.”

“Why would you give an order like that?” I yelled, jumping up and standing in front of him. Okay, not as calm and poised as I’d liked to have been but sure Y/N, let’s just cut to the chase. “What good would come of—”

He raised his gloved hand to silence me. Oh, I hated not being able to see his face and read his expressions. It made him feel distant from me and was much harder for me to sympathise with the man that I knew he really was deep down.

“Y/N,” he said warningly. “I will not permit you to come to my room and shout at me like this. Remember your place.”

  
  
“My _place_?” I scoffed, putting my hands on my hips. “Which one are you talking about exactly? My place as my post as an engineer — or do you mean the one in your bed?”

“Stop this,” he instructed, his voice sharp. “I just did my _job_ tonight. I’m sorry if you find it difficult to understand.”

“I do actually. What problem do you have with innocent people? They’re not exactly members of the Resistance or anything!” I knew I was shouting, but I couldn’t stop.

“All those that do not follow the First Order are a threat,” he responded simply. “Those villagers were not as blameless as you believe, they were harbouring a known traitor. He had information we needed — information that could very well end the war.”

I sighed, trying to swallow past the rock lodged in my windpipe. I couldn’t do something as pathetic as cry in front of Kylo, he would just see it as weakness and send me away. I wanted him to give me a reason to trust him, to make me believe that he was justified in his actions.

“You were not there on Jakku with us,” he continued. “Whatever gossip you have overheard, forget it. Enemies to the First Order do not deserve your guilt or compassion. I understand that you are not a soldier, that you have not had to deal with things like this, but it is necessary.”

He placed a hand on my shoulder and I couldn’t help but tense as he touched me. I felt conflicted; I had seen the pain on FN-2187’s face… I couldn’t imagine ever justifying an act that could break a man like that.

“Whether you like it or not,” Kylo said slowly, gently, “I have a job to do. A role that was appointed to me that I must fulfil. The Supreme Leader told me that under no circumstances must I allow for traitors to live because it sends the wrong message. I must uphold my master’s wishes — he knows far better than us after all.”

I didn’t dare speak, in case my voice betrayed me in front of him. I didn’t fully believe that but I knew how hopeless it was arguing now. If the Supreme Leader had ordered Kylo, it wasn’t as if he was going to disobey him.

Feeling my despondency, Kylo took a step back and removed his helmet so that I could see his face. He tossed his helmet aside, quickly shedding his outer layer of robes and his gloves before he came toward me.

“Do you understand now?” he asked softly, putting his hands on my hips and drawing me in close to him. “I did what I needed to. I am not the monster you think I am.”

Instantly I was aware what he was saying. He was worried that I would see him in the same negative light that his parents had seen him in. It was such a sore spot for him and I noticed the concern in his eyes. I must’ve been fixing him with a pretty dirty look because I softened immediately after he said that.

“Kylo, I don’t think that you’re a monster,” I said quickly, letting him bring me into his chest. I rested my ear to his heart and took a shaky breath. “I—I just don’t know how to feel about this.”

  
  
He sighed, his heartbeat loud and fast in my ear. I wasn’t aware of how upset he was until this moment. “We are at war, you have to remember that. But that pilot, his droid might just change everything.”

  
  
“That prisoner you brought in?” I asked, looking up at him. So he was a pilot after all… a pilot for the Resistance. I wondered what that must be like. “What do you mean his droid? I didn’t see them bring anything else in.”

  
  
“The droid is back on Jakku somewhere,” Kylo answered, moving us over to sit on his bed. “It contains a map leading to Luke Skywalker.”

“Who’s that?” I asked him. “Is he a big enemy to the First Order?”

Kylo smiled, amused with how little I knew about the Resistance. “Yeah, you could say that.”

  
  
  
“How did you get the pilot to betray the Resistance? I thought they never would dream of it.”

“I read his mind,” Kylo stated and quickly continued before I could speak. “And yes, it _is_ different to how I read yours. Your thoughts just kind of… happen for me. I must make the conscious effort to read others.”

  
  
“So you went to Jakku to get this map. What else did he tell you?” I was too curious now to care about anything else.

“That is all I could get out of him for now,” Kylo spoke. “I will go back in a few hours and try again. We shall know a great deal about the Resistance once I’m finished with him.”

I nodded, relaxing into his touch. I didn’t know what to do about FN-2187, I just hoped he made it back to his quarters without hassle. I would figure it out later, I just needed some time to think.

“Do you feel better now?” Kylo asked me, leaning his face toward mine. I looked at him, my gaze flicking down to his lips momentarily before I plastered it quickly back on his eyes. He had seen me do that however and grinned cheekily at me. “I guess you do.”

  
  
His lips were soft as he kissed me, his hand going up to cup my cheek and hold me steady. I pushed myself up, breaking the kiss so that I could climb into his lap. He wasted no time reconnecting our mouths, turning the kiss filthy by sliding his tongue against my bottom lip until I opened up for him obediently.

He smirked against my mouth, his hands squeezing my ass making me groan quietly. I rolled my hips in his lap, making him jerk up into me. Stars, I really really wanted him bad. Last night had been so incredibly wonderful and I didn’t think it was even possible to feel the way he had made me feel.

I knew I was falling hard for him, for everything about him. These soft moments we shared together — the side of him that he showed no one else but me, all of him.I knew how scared it was making me as well but it was like I had stepped foot off a cliff. I didn’t have a choice anymore, there was no ground under me: I was just _plummeting_.

I pulled away, fiddling with the ties to his robes so that I could open them and place my palms against his warm chest. I rolled my hips again, suddenly needing the friction. He groaned, digging his fingers into my hips to keep me from squirming.

_Fuck, she feels so good. I can't wait._

I giggled, feeling myself heat up from the thought. Except, I was still unsure as to whether or not it _was_ his thoughts or if I was just making it up in my head. I needed something more concise: something that would let me know without a doubt.

"I'm going to put in a leave of absence for two weeks," I spoke to him absentmindedly as he kissed down my neck. "I just thought you should know that you need to make the _most_ of your time left with me till I go."  
  
  


"Oh, I plan to," he hummed against my pulse. "Where are you going, sweetheart?"

"Home, of course," I answered, swallowing a moan when his lips found the sensitive skin on my neck. 

He pulled away as if suddenly burned by skin. He looked at me, his grip on my body faltering. He was about to speak, about to say something to me but he was hesitating.

“Tell me what's wrong,” I encouraged him.

He stroked my cheek gently. “Maybe it can wait. I don’t want to upset you further tonight.”  
  


I would’ve insisted but then I _heard_ it and I knew instantly that it was real and that I wasn’t just making it up. I couldn’t make that up.

_How do I tell her that her planet is doomed?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the kudos and the comments! i really love to hear how much you guys are enjoying this haha


	14. I Left My Heart Behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You find out what is really happening to your home - to your family. You then make a hard decision.

“What?” My words came out as barely a whisper. I didn’t know if he could hear me, but my heartbeat was drumming so loudly in my ears that it was drowning out everything around me. “My planet is doomed?”

Kylo’s eyes widened in shock. “How — how do you know that?"

  
  
“Because you just said it!” I cried, jumping up and taking a step away from him. “What does that mean? Is the First Order going to incite a war on my planet?”

“I never said it,” Kylo said softly, looking at me as if I had taken my hand and slapped him squarely across the face. “You… you read my _mind!_ ”

“Answer me!” I snapped. “Are they going to war?”

“No, _you_ answer **_me_** ,” he growled, standing up and coming toward me in a fury. “Did you just read my mind? How long have you been able to do that?”

“Does it matter?” I threw my hands up in exasperation. “Kylo, what are you hiding from me?”

  
  
“Me? _Me?_ Hiding from _you_? You’re the one who…” he trailed off, his temper rising as his mind raced, trying to understand what I had done. “You… that makes so much sense.”

  
  
“What? What are you talking about?”

  
  
But before he could say anything, I suddenly realised what he had just figured out and my stomach dropped into my toes.

“You’re force sensitive,” he said slowly but his tone was steady. “Aren’t you, Y/N? That's why I've been hearing your thoughts, why _you_ of all people are connected to me. I couldn't figure it out... but now it makes sense. The force has somehow connected us to each other.”

I swallowed nervously. “No.”

  
  
“Do not lie to me,” he said, pointing at me accusingly. “What do you think this is then? Magic?”

  
  
He stalked toward me, towering over me in order to intimidate me. I wouldn’t let him — I would stand my ground this time.

He looked me over. “How long have you been inside my head?”

  
  
“I’m not,” I answered simply. “I just heard what you thought now.”

He opened his mouth to shout something but I quickly interrupted him. “Tell me what’s happening on Hosnian Prime. I have a right to know, Kylo.”

  
  
“You don’t. Your only concern should be to serving the Order,” he countered, glaring at me. “You shouldn’t care about the destruction of—”

“Destruction?” I gasped in shock. I went toward him, yanking him forward by his arm and trying my best to get him to tell me the truth. “What are they going to do?”

  
  
“What do you think Starkiller base was designed for?” His voice wasn’t unkind, but it was far from gentle.

“I—I don’t know,” I admitted, “it’s not like they tell us anything.”

  
  
“You’re an engineer, Y/N. Think about it.”

“Kylo I only work with _ships,”_ I said to him irritably. “I don’t do anything other than hang out in the engine rooms and go to the hangars.”

  
  
“Starkiller base has a powerful weapon on it,” he explained apathetically.

He was distant from me, I instantly could feel it. I knew things had changed between us but now it felt as if Kylo was on another planet to me. “It is designed to blow up entire star systems.”

I paused, sure that he had heard the audible crack resonating from my chest. I wished he would outstretch his hand, throw me hard into the wall behind us and knock me out. Anything to dull the pain that was now spreading throughout my body. I felt the hot tears running down my cheek before I realised I was crying.

“You’re going to blow up Hosnian Prime?” I whispered, my voice cracking as I spoke.

“Not _me_ ,” he argued. “I did not give the order. The Supreme Leader—”

“I don’t care what the Supreme Leader says!” I yelled, banging my fist on his chest. “He’s going to kill _millions_ of people! Innocent people! A whole planet, Kylo!”

  
  
“You should watch your mouth, Y/N,” Kylo said roughly, grabbing my fist in a warning. “I might tolerate such insubordination from you, but the Supreme Leader will not hesitate to kill you for your blatant disrespect.”

“You’re fine with this?” I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “You’re not upset?”

  
  
“No Y/N, I’m not. The New Republic did not join us. They refused an alliance,” Kylo spoke as if he were a talking about a piece of paper flying in the wind. “Therefore, they are a threat. Their planet will serve as an example to all others — it will bring about a new age. People will understand the full extent of the First Order’s power after this. Nobody will dare refuse us again.”

“That’s my home… my family are there, Kylo,” I was crying.

He put a hand on my shoulder. “I understand it is difficult for you. But _you_ have to understand that you are better off—”

“Do not finish that sentence,” I snarled. “There is no justification for this.”

  
  
Kylo sighed. “Y/N, I don’t know what to tell you. These are the Supreme Leader’s wishes, he knows—”

“He knows nothing!” I screamed, pushing Kylo away from me forcefully. “You are blindly trusting him but you can’t see how evil this is.”

  
  
“You are speaking like a traitor,” Kylo counselled me, "choose your next words very carefully.”

  
  
“Or what?” I hiccuped, my voice snagging in my throat. I wiped away some of the tears but they were falling too quickly for me to do anything definite about them. “You’ll kill me, Kylo? Why don’t you just add me as the first casualty of the upcoming slaughter of my people.”

“I will not hurt you,” he said and I honestly believed that. “But I do have to inform my master that you’re force sensitive.”

  
  
I stopped. He wouldn’t do that to me, would he? If the Supreme Leader found out that I was sensitive… he would kill me surely.

“He won’t kill you,” Kylo chided, having heard that thought. “If you are particularly gifted, he will want you to train. Then I will see to it that he allows you to become my apprentice. You can train with me.”

“I don’t want to be _anywhere_ near you,” I sobbed, my hands going to cover my face as I scrunched up my face in grief. “I won’t… I won’t become… whatever it is you are. So brainwashed that you think blowing up star systems is anything except CHAOS.”

“You’re just emotional right now,” Kylo sympathised. “This is a lot for you to take in at once. You shouldn’t have found out this way.”

  
  
“So how _do_ you think I should have found out?” I yelled, “when I tried to go home but found my planet in _ruins?_ My family, friends literally everyone I know — _dead_? _”  
_

_“_ Go to your quarters,” he instructed me sternly. I knew he would not allow for me to breakdown here in his room. “Take some time to calm down. I will speak to the Supreme Leader about your… condition and he will determine an outcome.”

  
  
Kylo reached out to take my hand but I snatched it away from him, turning my body so that I didn’t have to look at him anymore. I... I couldn't look at him anymore.

“Y/N, I am sorry. Eventually you will see reason, as I do. The Supreme Leader is not a fool; that is why I know to trust his judgement. You will understand the necessity of these hard decisions with time and maybe if you aren’t too strong with the force… you will continue your life as normal here.”

But I didn’t want to. Now that I knew what the First Order was _really_ like, I knew that there was no such thing as normal for me here anymore. I couldn’t stand by ignorantly and be complacent with what they were doing.

FN-2187 was right; the First Order were monsters and we couldn’t work for them anymore. I realised then what to do in order to save him — to save myself — and it shattered my heart into pieces.

“Am I dismissed, Commander?” I asked softly, not attempting to even look in his direction and keeping my gaze firmly planted on my feet. 

He sighed again. “I’m really sorry, sweetheart.” The word held no affection in my mind anymore, he might as well have called me something derogatory. “It’s hard, but soon you’ll see how wise Supreme Leader Snoke really is.”

“Am I _dismissed_ , Commander?” I spoke harshly, a new set of tears running hotly down my cheeks, my voice cracking.

“Yes. I’ll come see you in the morning.”

As I practically raced down the corridor, taking unfamiliar turns until I was heading into the Stormtrooper’s quarters, I knew that he wouldn’t see me again.

And as I banged on FN-2187’s door, I didn’t know if I was breaking down because my home planet was being destroyed or because I had left my heart behind in Kylo's room.

FN-2187 opened the door hurriedly, dressed in underclothes without his helmet or his usual suit. He gasped when he saw the state that I was in and pulled me in quickly, before anyone should see me. I knew I was not allowed in this section, that there would be consequences if I was discovered. 

“What the stars happened? Are you hurt?” he asked, holding me at arms length so he could examine me for any visible cuts or bruises.

“We—we need to go,” I told him urgently, in between sobs. “You were right. They’re _sick,_ we can't just pretend that everything is okay. It's not. We can’t be here anymore.”

FN-2187 regarded me solemnly. “We’ll be killed if we are caught. We'll be traitors.”

I wiped my face with the back of my sleeve, forcing myself to suck in deep breaths so that I could bring myself down. “Then we can’t get caught.”

  
  
I swallowed, leaning against the door for stability. “There’s a TIE Fighter in the East Hangar that came in this morning. It won’t have a crew or a pilot around it, nobody will see us board.”

  
  
“How are you sure?”

“Because it’s broken. The engine is busted.” I explained and FN-2187 threw his hands up in exasperation.

“What the stars are we going to do with a broken ship?” he said, irritated by my stupidity.

“Because, I can _fix_ it,” I finished and his face slowly turned upwards into a smile. “I’ll just need ten minutes. Can you fly a ship?”

He lost the smile instantly, looking away from me in disappointment. “No, of course not. Shit, we need a pilot but none of them will betray the First Order like this.”

We both stood in silence for a bit before it clicked in our heads at the same time. He locked eyes with me and I grinned at him, “I know where we can find one who will.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all angst from here.
> 
> It means way more than you know to hear you guys' opinions, so let me know what you think please!  
> It also motivates me to update faster haha.
> 
> thanks for reading!


	15. We're Leaving the First Order

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and FN-2187 plot your escape. You implore an old friend to come with you but it goes wrong. All you know is that you have to get out, you can't be here anymore.

“I can get the prisoner and bring him to the hangar,” FN-2187 informed me, figuring out the details of our plan.

“How are you going to do that?” I asked, rubbing the back of my neck nervously. “Ky— I mean, Commander Ren will be with him, won’t he?”

“No, we have a window period before the Commander returns,” he spoke fast. “I can tell the Troopers on duty that he wants him transferred.”

“And then you’ll get him onboard with our escape right?”

“Well, he’d be stupid not to come with us,” FN-2187 shrugged. “Commander Ren will kill him if he stays.”

I tried not to be visibly upset by that sentence, but he wasn’t wrong. The prisoner was a member of the Resistance and after what Kylo had just told me regarding his beliefs…

Anyone who does not stand with the Order is an enemy. They didn’t deserve any compassion according to Kylo. No, I couldn’t live like that.

“I’ll meet you in the corridor just before the hangar. It’s late so there won’t be too many people on the floor,” he continued. “We need to be quick and you need to disguise your emotions. Look calm.”

  
“Do I not exude that anyway?” I joked, but my voice cracked.

“You look like you’ve just gotten dumped,” he pointed out, “and guilty. This won’t work if they suspect us.”

I sucked in a shaky breath, steadying myself. “Okay I’ll meet you in ten minutes. There’s something I have to do first. Let’s _go_.”

He gave a brisk, curt nod and slid his door open, putting his hand out to stop me from following him. He checked the corridors to see if anyone was around and upon deeming it safe, he tilted his head and indicated for me to leave.

I ran down the corridors toward the engineer’s quarters. I didn’t have a lot of personal possessions, so I didn’t even bother going to my own room. There was no time for any of that now.

I couldn’t outright bang on his door, in fear of waking anyone up but luckily for me I knew his key code. I snuck into his room and shook him awake hurriedly.

“Ig, you have to wake up,” I said in a hushed but urgent tone.

“Y/N?” Ig’s voice was groggy and he squinted at me with a confused expression. “What are you doing here? It’s the middle of the night.”

  
  
“Ig come on, get up,” I said quickly. “We need to go.”

“What? Where are we going?” He sat up a little, still trying to grasp the urgency of the situation. “Is there an emergency evacuation?”

“Kind of,” I said ushering him out of bed. “We’re leaving the First Order. We found a pilot who—”

“Wait what?” he said, looking at me with wide eyes. “What the stars are you talking about?”

  
  
“Ig just trust me okay,” I urged him. “We can’t work here anymore. What the First Order is planning for the galaxy is… tyrannical. It’s evil, we can’t be apart of it.”

  
  
“Y/N, what the fuck are you saying?” Ig asked me harshly, grabbing my wrist. “You’re speaking—”

“As if I’m a traitor?” I finished for him. “Yeah, I know. I’ll explain on the way, we don’t have a lot of time. FN-2187 is wait—”

“FN? Your Stormtrooper friend?” Ig questioned me, his face thunderously angry. I’d never seen Ig this worked up before. He’d certainly never sworn like that in front of me. “Is this a joke? You can’t be serious, can you?”

“Ig, they’re going to blow up my planet,” I tried reasoning with him. “I know it’s sudden, but we have to move quickly. We don’t have a lot of time.”

“No, no hang on Y/N,” Ig said, his tone sharper than I’d ever heard it before. “Whatever scheme you’re planning, just don’t. I’m sure you heard wrong about your planet… the Order isn’t senseless like that. Just calm down and let’s talk about this.”

“There’s nothing _to_ talk about,” I said irritably. “I refuse to work here now that I know what’s really going on. I need you to trust me on this, we _can’t_ stay.”

“It’s not too late to stop,” Ig levelled with me. “We have a duty to the Order. Whoever isn’t with us is—”

“Against us and therefore an enemy,” I snapped. “I _know_. But if this is what they’re doing — what they’re fighting for… I want no part of it. I’d rather die than work for the Order anymore.”

“Y/N, this is ridiculous,” he said, throwing his hands up. “If you’re so unhappy, you can just quit. But if you run away with that Stormtrooper, then you’re as good as dead.”

“I can’t just quit anymore,” I sighed, rolling my eyes in frustration. “The Supreme Leader will want to see me when he finds out about me and— and — and I can’t leave FN-2187. I won’t.”

“Wait why are you in trouble with the Supreme Leader?” he queried, concerned.

“I— I just… am. I can’t explain it right now,” I rushed my words. “But I’m not staying to discover his verdict,I’m going, _now_. I don’t want to leave you here—”

“I made a vow to serve my order,” Ig interrupted, squaring his shoulders and looking at me soberly. “As did you.”

“You won’t come with?” So, I really was leaving everything I had behind. Both Kylo, Ig — my entire planet… I wouldn’t have anyone after I left here.

“No, I won’t,” he scoffed. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you’re not going either. I won’t let you ruin your life like this.”

He snatched my wrist in his hand again, pulling me further into the room.

  
  
“You— you can’t keep me here,” I was shocked. “I told you already, I refuse to be another one of Supreme Leader’s puppets.”

Ig glared at me, “so you’ll run away with that Trooper instead? Why? What do you owe him?”

  
  
“He’s my friend — he needs me,” I spluttered out, trying to wrestle myself out of Ig’s grip.

“Is he the one who’s been leaving those hickies on your neck?” Ig practically snarled the words.

“W-W-What?” He had seen those?

  
  
“Well, is he? Is that why you’re doing all of this for him? Is that why the Supreme Leader wants to see you?”

“No, Ig of course not!” I yelled, trying to pull away from him but his other hand came to close around my bicep in a tight hold. I was starting to panic; I only had a few minutes before I had to meet FN-2187 and the pilot but Ig had trapped me here. “Let go of me!”

“You’re not thinking clearly,” Ig shook his head. “You’re upset, it’s affecting your judgement and you can’t see how insane you’re behaving. Just wait here—”

“I can’t wait here,” I said sharply. “Commander Ren… he’ll never let me leave. If I don’t go now…”

“What do you mean? How did you piss off _all_ of your superiors?”

  
  
“I—”

But Ig’s eyes widened as he was hit by the realisation. He gasped, “Commander _REN?”_

_“_ Ig, listen—”

“HE’S the one who’s been hurting you?” Ig was fuming. “He took advantage of you — took advantage of his position! That’s why you’re running away, isn’t it?”

“No, he didn’t hurt me,” I said quickly, trying to calm Ig down.

“He forced himself on you,” Ig said, unable to wrap his around the fact that I had willingly been with Kylo.

“He never did—”

“No, Y/N this is serious. He must’ve played a mind trick on you to force you—"

“Ig, it’s not like that—”

“Stars, he’s really brainwashed you so badly. That’s a gross misuse of power — we — we have to report him for what he’s done! He assaulted you—”

“No, Ig — I’m in love with him!” I clapped a hand over my mouth as soon as the words had been uttered. Fuck, what had I just said? Did I… I couldn’t…

“What?” Ig looked as if I had just told him that I had a tail and two floppy bunny ears. “ _What_ did you just say?”

  
  
“Let me go, Ig,” I begged, “I can’t be around him anymore. After what he’s done… what he’s okay with… I just can’t.”

“But… how can you love him?” Ig gaped, tears welling in his eyes.

“I don’t know,” I whispered back, feeling my own tears drip down my cheeks. “I just do. I wish I didn’t… it would make leaving so much easier.”

  
  
“So you'll risk death? You’ll leave me?” Ig sucked in a shaky breath. “After everything we’ve been through?”

  
  
“I just asked you to come with me,” I said angrily, pushing at his chest. He dug his nails into the skin of my arms, making me wince. “You said no!”

“Because I’m asking you to stay! Stay here with me and forget him,” Ig pleaded with me, not permitting his tears to fall.

“Aren't you listening to me? I just told you that Kylo will tell the Supreme Leader about me and then… then they’ll _never_ let me go,” I explained, struggling in his grip.

“ _Kylo_?” Ig scoffed, irritated, hurt by me. “You’re on a first name basis? For fuck’s sake, Y/N.”

“Just, let me go Ig,” I begged him. “I have to get out of here, whether you come with me or not.”

His hold on me only tightened enough until it started to hurt. “I won’t let you make such a huge mistake just because of him."

“You don’t get to decide that,” I said, feeling hurt that my best friend and I would leave things like this. “I’m sorry Ig.”

I thrust out my hand, praying with all my might that it would work. The lamp from Ig’s bedside table flew across the room violently, coming at us so fast that Ig barely had time to turn around and look at it before it smacked him in the head. He dropped to the floor with a yelp, holding on to his head with his hands.

I ran from his room, sealing his door shut and tearing down the corridor toward the hangar. Please, universe say that FN-2187 managed to get the pilot out from the room without any hassle.

I turned the corridor, seeing both of them squabbling in the corner and let out a sigh of relief. I had made it on time and neither of them had been caught yet.

  
“Why— why are you helping me?” the man gasped.

FN-2187 took in a breath, “because it’s the right thing to do.”

  
  
“You need a pilot,” the man surmised quickly. He looked to me as I walked over and a look of panic came over him. FN-2187 mirrored his panic, thinking he was done for but after seeing it was me he relaxed.

“Well?” I demanded in a hurry.

“Who are you?” the man asked quizzically, not knowing whether or not to trust me. Well, it’s not like he had much of a choice.

“She’s the engineer,” FN-2187 answered turning to me, “is everything okay?”

“It’s fine, I… I didn’t get what I needed but forget that,” I said in a rush. “We don’t have a lot of time.”

I turned to the man expectantly, our whole plan rested on his shoulders.

The man looked between us and then nodded, a drop of blood running down his forehead but a grin spreading his features. “Yeah, we’re going to do this.”

FN-2187 looked at me, allowing me to see the nervousness etched across his face before he fitted his stark white helmet back into place.

He sucked in a shaky breath, “lead the way, Y/N.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo last chapter was about how snoke brainwashes kylo and this one is about how the first order brainwashes everyone else, which is why ig is so erratic and cannot understand your betrayal. 
> 
> as always, thanks for the kudos and comments!!!


	16. I Can't Lose Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You, the pilot and FN-2187 escape the clutches of the First Order.

FN-2187 poked the end of his blaster into the prisoner’s back, nudging him through the air hangar. I nervously walked in front of them with my arms pointedly by my sides, trying to look as normal as possible.

I could practically feel my heart pumping adrenaline throughout my body and I felt like I’d just rather bend over and wretch up my insides.

“Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm,” FN-2187 was mumbling.

“I am calm,” said the prisoner calmly.

“I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to myself,” FN-2187 corrected and I risked a glance at him to see his hands were shaking slightly. “Which ship, Y/N?”

  
  
“This one,” I uttered quietly, hurriedly moving toward the busted TIE Fighter in the corner. As I had predicted, there was nobody around to catch us.

“How long will it take you to fix the engine?” FN-2187 asked me worriedly, standing alert by my side as I bent to inspect the side of the ship.

“Ten minutes like I said,” I muttered, willing my hands to steady themselves and my brain to start thinking. Come on girl, we can do this. We can do this.

_What is she doing?_

_  
_My blood froze the second I heard it. It was like he was sitting right next to me, whispering that in my ear. Fuck fuck fuck, I was hearing Kylo’s thoughts again — which meant two things.

One: Kylo had figured I was up to something.

And two: If I could hear him, he was close by.

“We need to hurry up,” I urged the two of them. “Go get in the seats, as soon as the engine starts up we need to GO.”

They nodded, letting me work as they quickly climbed into the ship. I knew that it would be a squeeze for three of us in there, but we were out of options and out of luck.

I softly prayed to the universe, willing my hands to work faster and my brain to think quicker. I knew this puzzle; I could solve it easily. Whoever had been assigned to this ship had done a good job so far and fortunately there wasn’t too much for me to do.

“Yes!” I breathed as the lights in the ship started turning on and its engine started humming to life.

I climbed in after the boys, crouching as I was squashed against the wall. There were only two chairs here. Damn.

“Come here, it’s going to be a tight fit but we have to make it work,” the pilot said, adjusting his seat back.

Oh _stars_.

I nodded, new anxiety setting in my bloodstream as I squeezed my way over to the pilot’s chair… and situated myself in this stranger’s lap. He gave a small laugh, flicking on switches and preparing the ship for take-off. I noticed that he shrunk away from me, making sure that we weren’t touching if we didn’t have to and I was grateful for that.

“I’ve always wanted to fly one of these things,” he whistled. He turned to FN-2187 and briefly explained to him how to shoot the cannons and work the guns for the ship. I sat tensely, my part in this plan was over and I couldn’t exactly contribute anymore.

_Where_ is _she?_

_“_ Guys, come on,” I said, my breathing becoming shallow. Somehow — and I couldn’t really explain how — I just _knew_ that Kylo was coming toward us. I even started to feel frustration and it took me a second to realise that it wasn’t mine; I was feeling his emotions.

The pilot finished his explanations to FN-2187, and exhaled a deep breath. “Here we go.”

  
  
I held onto each of the armrests of the pilot’s chair as he engaged the engine, bracing myself on his chest. I really hated this arrangement but I didn’t have a choice. We weren’t out of the woods yet but as the ship roared to life and lifted off the floor, I gave a grin of victory.

  
But before we had even gone a few metres, the ship jerked backwards and stood still in the air as if we had been tied down by an invisible anchor.

“What the hell is happening?” FN-2187 screamed in fear from behind us.

“I— I don’t know the ship won’t move!” the man yelled, flicking a bunch of different switches in panic. I twisted around in the chair, straining to see over FN-2187's head.

“Oh no,” I whispered, looking out the back window towards the front entrance of the hangar.

“Oh you’re fucking _joking_ ,” FN-2187 sobbed.

Kylo was standing on the ramp, his hands outstretched and keeping the ship in place. Even through all the robes and his helmet, I could see he was straining with the effort. He was slightly losing his footing, being pulled toward us but was managing to hold us in place nonetheless.

Sharp pains started to shoot through my muscles and I winced before my eyes went wide. The scream of my limbs wasn’t mine: now I could physically feel the duress that Kylo was under.

“How the hell is he doing that?” the man breathed in awe.

“Use maximum thrust,” I instructed, “he can’t hold us much longer.”

He did as I said but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Kylo standing there. This would be the last time I ever saw him and I could _feel_ how betrayed he was by my actions. I wiped a tear away before it could fall. I would not cry over this man again. I had to go, there was nothing here for me anymore.

_She… that can’t be her. She wouldn’t leave me, she's mine._

I looked past Kylo then, seeing a second figure lurking in the shadows behind him. Any heartache in my body was instantly replaced with fiery anger as I laid my eyes on Ig. That bastard had snitched to Kylo! He must’ve gone to him as soon as I had left his room and told him my plan to run away.

In retrospect — even though it had saved us — I was a little ashamed of how quickly my temper had taken over me. I threw my hand out furiously, not even stopping to think twice about my actions. I didn’t even pause to question myself as to whether it would work from such a distance or if it work through the glass of the window.

I didn’t care; I was just fuming.

Ig flew across the room, hitting the wall hard and dropping to the floor. The effect that I had had on Kylo was less drastic; he just stumbled backwards but it was enough — his hold on the ship faltered.

"What the kriff..." FN-2187 trailed off behind us. 

Without Kylo’s force grip holding the ship back, it jolted forward terrifyingly fast making me hit the dashboard. With a flash of quick reflexes, the stranger’s left hand wrapped around my waist and saved me from flying straight through the front window. I fell back against his chest, my heart pounding as we sped away.

“You okay?” he yelled to me, navigating the ship away from the blasters that were raining down at us. As if coming to his senses, FN-2187 started firing away with the ship’s weapons.

“Yeah,” I replied a little breathlessly.

_No NO NO NO NO. I CAN’T LOSE HER—_

But as we moved further away from the ship, I stopped hearing Kylo’s thoughts as quickly as one turns off a light. Even his thunderous anger that was coursing through me stopped instantly. There was just… me.

“Alright, we have to take out as many of these cannons as we can or we’re not going to get very far,” the pilot directed, pointing toward them. FN-2187 made a noise of agreement, waiting for the pilot to line the ship up before raining down with the blaster.

“It’s a clean shot! Up ahead, dead centre!” the pilot yelled back.

“YEAH!” FN-2187 screamed as the cannon went up in flames. Both the pilot and I let out noises of joyous victory and the hand that was holding me in place squeezed my hip happily.

“Shit sorry,” he apologised quickly letting go of me. “Caught up in the moment.”

“It’s okay,” I said, laughing a little awkwardly.

“Hey, what’s your names?” he asked, swivelling his head slightly to address FN-2187 as well.

“Uh, Y/N,” I replied just as we heard an answering: “FN-2187” from behind us.

“F— _what_?” the pilot asked.

“That’s the only name they ever gave me,” FN-2187 said curtly.

“Stormtroopers aren’t assigned real names,” I explained. “They aren’t given identities that they could form attachments to.”

“Well, I’m not using that number,” the pilot argued. “FN huh? Finn, I’m going to call you Finn. Is that alright?”

  
  
“Finn,” he echoed and I could hear the excitement in his voice. “Yeah Finn! I like that!”

“Nice to meet you both,” the pilot grinned. “I’m Poe. Poe Dameron.”

He flicked a few more switches, angling the ship away from the onslaught of blasts coming our way.

“I’m glad that at least the engineers have names,” Poe laughed, nudging me with his shoulder. “Y/N is too pretty to be replaced by a number.”

  
  
I blushed, thoroughly embarrassed by the compliment. “Oh, um thank you.”

The victories were short lived as I noticed the flashing on the screen of the ship. I was instantly alert, knowing exactly what was coming toward us. “They engaged the metro cannon! FN-21 — I mean Finn, you have to take it out!”

“Nice shot!” Poe praised as the blast was destroyed.

“Where are we going?” Finn asked as the ship swerved to miss a blast.

“Back to Jakku, that’s where,” Poe spoke affirmatively.

“No no no, we can’t go back to Jak _ku_! We need to get out of the system!” Finn insisted, panic forming in his voice.

“I have to go back to get my droid before the First Order can.”

“A _droid_? No droid could be that important!” Finn snapped.

“This one is pal!” Poe proclaimed.

“It’s got a map that leads to Luke Skywalker,” I whispered slowly, remembering what Kylo had told me.

“Oh you got to be _kidding_ me,” Finn said, slamming his hands down in frustration.

I felt Poe tense under me, “how the kriff do you know that?”

But before I could answer, a sudden blast hit the side of the ship and blew all of the controls out. All of us yelped in surprise and I knew instantly that the engine was busted.

We were crashing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo this is only going to be kind of canon with TFA. most of the time i'm just going to be doing whatever lol so don't be upset about any canonical inconsistencies please. 
> 
> anyway thanks for reading!


	17. My Name's Rey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake up from the crash, but soon reunite with Finn and a new stranger called Rey.

I woke up alone.

At first I had trouble moving my arms, my head feeling as if someone had taken a sledgehammer to the back of my skull. I was also blisteringly hot and I realised that I had been baking under draining desert sun while I was unconscious.

A desert. Did it have to be a _desert_? Couldn’t we have landed in one of those delightful wildflower fields instead? All I could think about was how I would give anything to go swimming in a cool lake right now.

I sat up, the fine sand blowing around me in every direction that I looked. I had no idea where I was and there weren’t any specific landmarks to help ground me. There was just sand for miles surrounding me.

Then I remembered that I hadn’t crashed on this miserable planet alone.

“POE! FINN!” I screamed, standing up and desperately trying to see anything. They weren’t around — there was _nothing_ around. Not a single sign of life besides me.

I didn’t remember much from the crash, just that we had gone down so hard that I had been thrown from the ship like a rag doll. I quietly thanked the universe that I hadn’t been injured too gravely — the worst thing would have been to die in this desert because I couldn’t walk.

I tried not to panic, if I had survived the crash then surely the boys had too right? What if I had killed both of them with this escape plan? I was the one who had urged FN-21 — Finn — to come with me and abandon his service.

Had Ig been right? Should I have swallowed my impulsivity and stayed quiet, complacent and willing back at base? I had hurt so many people with my choice to run away…

I had felt how betrayed Kylo was by what I had done — had physically felt his pain as if it were my own. I didn’t understand it fully but there was definitely something that tied us together, he had been right about that. Maybe now that we were so far apart our connection would sever finally. 

I didn't know if I was happy or sad about that.

I had never met Supreme Leader Snoke, a blessing really, but if he considered entire planets to be expendable… what kind of leader was he? And Kylo followed him blindly, considering his words to be gospel. I knew Kylo would never disagree with his master… but I couldn’t stand by and continue to work for an organisation that was about to wipe out my people.

Something tugged at my gut, telling me which way to start walking and since I didn’t really have any other options, I listened to it. I walked for what seemed like hours, the hot sun blazing down and making my skin feel raw. My mouth started to taste like dust and I wondered if I would die from the dehydration or the exhaustion first.

If I was being honest; I don’t know how I eventually came to the outpost. By the grace of the force, I somehow managed to get halfway across the desert even when I myself was all too happy to lay down and die instead. I didn't feel like I had anything left to fight for...

As I arrived in the outpost, my knees almost buckled underneath me. If I wasn’t so desperately dehydrated, I would’ve cried at the sight of other people. 

I barely made it a few steps before I heard elated screams.

“Y/N! Y/N! Y/N!”

Finn barrelled into me so fast that he knocked me soundly off my feet and had me crashing onto the floor. I wrapped my arms around him, not even caring that he had punched the air out of my lungs, I was just so grateful that he was here.

“I thought you had _died!_ ” he cried, the full weight of his body crushing mine on the ground.

“Almost,” I choked out and he must’ve realised that he was way too heavy for me to support because he rolled off of me and helped me to stand. "Can't get rid of me yet."

Despite the ache of my limbs, I couldn’t help mirroring my friend’s warm smile. He was as relieved to see me as I was to see him. “How long have you been here?”

He gave my hand a friendly squeeze, thrilled that he hadn’t survived the crash alone. “Not long actually. I got here maybe twenty minutes before you.”

I coughed then, feeling as if dust was literally coming out of my lungs.

“Here, you’ll need this,” he said, hastily handing me a canteen. I squeaked when I saw the water sloshing inside and gulped the entire thing down desperately.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, panting slightly. “Where’s Poe?”

Finn’s once excited demeanour turned sour quickly, “uh… he didn’t make it Y/N. I’m so sorry… the ship went down in the sand.”

My heart constricted in my chest, feeling tight and heavy. “I… are you sure he didn’t manage to get out?”

Finn shook his head and I noticed he was wearing Poe’s jacket. “No… the ship was a wreck. But, I found something else.”

  
  
Finn pointed behind him to where a woman was having an argument with some disgusting looking creature. I could recognise from her outfit that she was a scavenger, her hair pulled back into three tight buns along the back of her head.

I was about to ask Finn what was so special about this stranger when a little orange and white droid rolled into view from behind her. A BB unit.

“That’s Poe’s droid!” I exclaimed. Then I felt all excitement die quickly inside of me. “The First Order is going to hunt that droid down.”

Finn gave a curt nod but nudged me when he noticed the woman was walking over to us.

“Who’s this?” she asked Finn pointedly, raising her eyebrows at me suspiciously.

“She’s the engineer that I told you about,” Finn explained quickly, trying to diffuse any mistrust that the woman was sending my way. “This is Y/N, she helped Poe and I escape.”

  
  
“Ah,” she said, holding out her hand to me. “My name's Rey.”

  
  
I shook her hand politely but from the way she was still wary of Finn, I could guess that they hadn’t gotten off to a good start.

“So you’re both with the Resistance,” Rey said, looking us both over.

“What? N—” I laughed but Finn quickly interjected.

“Yes, we are,” he corrected, shooting me a warning glare. “We just obviously don’t want to advertise that.”

“BB-8 has been telling about how he’s on a secret mission,” Rey said, looking toward the droid in awe. “He has to get back to your base.”

Finn seemed to puff out his chest and I had to put a hand over my mouth to hide my amusement. “He’s got a map leading to Luke Skywalker.”

“Luke Skywalker?” Rey was amazed. “I thought he was—”

“Uh Finn,” I said in a panicked tone, my gaze catching sight of what the little droid was beeping hysterically about. “Look!”

Finn swore loudly when he saw the Stormtroopers and he immediately grabbed me and forced me into a crouch. They hadn’t seen us yet but they no doubt would discover us if we stayed here. Rey copied our actions, calling the droid over to hide with us.

“We need to go,” Finn told me, the panic setting in his voice. I peeped my head over the barrier, noticing a new set of Stormtroopers coming from our left.

Finn and I exchanged glances, nodding in understanding. He nudged Rey and I just prayed that she would catch our drift.

In a second, the three of us stood up and dashed right, flying through the stalls and knocking people over as we went. I gave a yelp of surprise as the Troopers took aim, sending blasts straight toward us.

Rey ended up leading our way, straight into a cloth tent where she grabbed the pole for stability.

“They’re shooting at all of us,” she panted, looking at us concerned.

“Well, they saw you with us,” Finn spoke while scrummaging around for something to use as a weapon. “You’re marked now.”

“Thanks for that,” she snapped. Finn turned around in a fury, starting an argument with her about chasing and sticks.

I stopped listening to their squabble, my ears honing in on something more pressing. I knew the sounds of those ships…

“We have to get off this planet now,” I insisted, both of them pausing mid-fight to stare at my outburst. “They’ve called in an airstrike.”

Finn groaned but he grabbed Rey’s hand and dragged her out of the tent, much to her unhappiness. She wrestled her hand out of his and took the lead again, shouting back to us: “follow me!”

I was all too happy to let someone else be in charge and make the decisions for us. I was working my already exhausted body into overdrive, forcing it to outrun blasts from the TIE Fighters.

“We can’t outrun them!” Finn screamed as we ran. “We need a pilot!”

  
  
  
“Well, you’ve got one,” Rey yelled back, sprinting with all her might. “And now we’ve got an engineer! She can fix this ship!”

  
  
  
“That ship?” I was aghast. “That’s garbage!”

  
  
  
“It’s better than nothing!” Rey snapped irritably, running straight toward the garbage. “They’ve just blown up the Quad Jumper!”

I mean, okay she had a point. The four of us boarded the ship hastily and I wasted no time heading toward the engines. Rey disappeared and I supposed she had gone to the cockpit and who knows where the fuck Finn had gone.

I slid myself under the panels, trying to do a rushed job of putting wires together and pushing knobs into place. I could tell that Rey wasn’t waiting for an all clear from me because the lights suddenly flicked on, the ship’s engine humming to life.

I did what I could with a rusty, practically dead engine. I could tell that this ship hadn’t flown in years but I said a silent prayer that it would fly us to safety now.

As the ship started moving, I stumbled through the corridors toward the cockpit seeing a distressed looking Rey frantically fiddling with the controls.

“The compressor—” she began in a panic, knowing we wouldn’t get very far.

“I know,” I replied, trying to remain calm and craning my head up to sort it out. “Can you fly this thing?”  
  


“I’m going to try.”

Okay, guess that’s good enough for me.

I was thrown into the wall as the ship started to launch, Rey struggling to get it steady. I held onto the pilot’s chair until she had gotten us into the sky.

Green blasts rained down at us from the TIE Fighters but luckily none managed to make the mark.

“Stay low!” Finn’s voice called. “It confuses their tracking.”

Rey looked at me a little unsure but I gave a nod of affirmation and sat down in the co-pilot’s chair beside her. She sighed but tightened her grip on the ship’s steering wheel.

“We need to put the shields up,” she said to me. “You’ll have to act as my co-pilot.”

  
  
I did as she asked, the ship jolting as we took a blow from one of the TIE Fighters. I engaged the shields but sighed in anguish when I realised that they wouldn't be able to withstand more than a few blows before they would falter. This ship needed serious work.

“Stay down, BB-8,” Rey screamed, “we’re going low!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks again for all the sweet comments that everyone has been leaving!
> 
> so glad to see that you guys are enjoying this story!!!


	18. To Takodana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You all set course to a new planet.

Running from the First Order was proving to be more and more of a hassle.

Rey had done her best to navigate through the sky, ducking and dodging any blasts that were coming towards our ship. Occasionally we heard distant shouts of joy or brief screams of panic from Finn who was doing his best to take down as many TIE Fighters as he could.

I myself had been trying to be a competent co-pilot to Rey — listening to her directions and flicking switches left and right. In all honesty, I had done a quick sweep of the engines and had concluded that it wasn’t a great situation down there. We would need to land on the next planet in this system and get parts for me to do some kind of damage control.

Except we hadn’t even made it out of Jakku’s exosphere yet —still trying to outrun the many TIE Fighters dogging us.

“They’re really after you both!” Rey exclaimed, “I’ve never seen such a blatant attack like this.”

“They’re after the droid,” I corrected, risking a glance behind us to see BB-8 rolling around on the ship’s deck.“He’s what they actually want most.”

  
  
“We have to get him back to your base,” Rey urged, “anywhere we go, they’ll have put out an alert for him — and for us now I suppose.”

  
  
I swallowed nervously. I had no idea where the Resistance base was but I feared telling Rey the truth. She wouldn’t trust us if she knew one of us was an ex-Stromtrooper and the other a happily employed engineer who had no previous qualms with the Order.

She cursed loudly beside me, throwing the whole ship sideways to avoid the last two pilots after us. A resulting cheer from below deck and an explosion off to my left let me know that Finn had successfully taken out one of the planes.

“Hold on,” she instructed me.

The ship jerked left, going down towards the wreckage of another much older ship. She slipped through a hole in its wall, going through a precarious and narrow tunnel. It was dark and Rey was moving so quickly through the cracks and crevices in this massive freighter that it was a sheer miracle that we didn’t crash into anything.

The TIE Fighter chased us through it, shooting little green blasts at us all the while. I couldn’t do anything but watch as Rey threw us left, then right and then suddenly out through another hole in the freighter.

I squinted at the sudden sunlight but Rey hurtled the ship towards the ground rapidly. It had lined the shot up perfectly for Finn apparently, because he screamed: “WOO YEAH,” and the TIE Fighter burst into flames.

“Yes!” I exclaimed as Rey righted the ship and we travelled out of the planet’s atmosphere. “We made it.”

  
Rey grinned beside me, thoroughly pleased with her abilities. Finn’s heavy footsteps sounded behind us and I turned to him with a smile, throwing myself into him in an excited hug. He wrapped his arms around my waist and spun me in a circle before setting me down and looking at Rey in awe.

“That was perfect!” he praised, “you flew through—”

“But your shooting!” Rey echoed his praise, “how did you—”

“I don’t know!” Finn smiled and the two of them continued singing the other’s achievements.

Rey took a step back then, her eyes brighter than I’d ever seen them before. As if coming to her senses, she turned and pulled up a holographic map.

“BB-8 says that the Resistance base is top secret,” she nodded toward the little droid that came rolling into the room, chirping happily. “I need to know where it is in order to get the three of you back home.”

  
  
I exchanged a worried look with Finn. Neither of us knew where the hell the base was, it’s not like we could tell her.

“Oh, um well—” Finn began but was cut off by a loud _bang_ beside us. One of the panels in floor had exploded, steam spraying out of it like a hose.

I yelped in surprise, darting toward it instantly.

“This ship’s engine has been dormant for too long,” I exclaimed in anguish, jumping down into the hatch and inspecting the damage thoroughly. “Hand me a wrench one of you.”

  
  
Finn obliged, tossing me the wrench through the air.

“I’ll go steady the ship up front,” Rey said, “so that you don’t have to stumble around while you work.”

  
  
I fiddled around, trying to patch up the leak before it turned fatal. As soon as I popped my head back out and made eye-contact with a stressed out Finn, he hissed—

“What are we going to _do_?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. Hand me that screwdriver please.”

  
  
“Can you at least be a little more concerned?” he snapped, running to fetch what I asked and giving it to me. “If she finds out…”

I shot him a pointed look. “ _I’m_ busy trying to fix the propulsion tank before it overflows. _You_ can figure out what to tell her.”

I saw Finn’s eyes land on BB-8 before I ducked back into the hatch and I heard his muffled voice pleading with the droid.

The tank let out a hiss as I patched it close and I wiped the sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand. I was still wearing my old engineer’s uniform and they were covered in red sand from the desert. Now that everything had calmed down significantly, I felt the adrenaline leaving my bloodstream and instead being replaced with exhaustion.

Oh stars, what I would give for a nice hot shower and to curl up in a bed somewhere. Black silk sheets flashed before my eyes and I shook my head as if it would shake the longing out of me. _No_. Not that bed.

“Please BB-8,” Finn was still making his case as I climbed out of the hatch, fitting the panel back into place. “We both just want to get as far away from the First Order as possible.”

The droid made a chirp in response and Finn looked to me helplessly. I couldn’t translate any better than he could so I just looked between him and the droid for a few seconds.

“We’re not a threat,” I reminded the droid. “We helped Poe escape and risked our lives to do that. We want nothing to do with the Order anymore.”

The droid made an affirmative beep and I figured that was the closest we’d get to appealing to his better nature. Rey appeared at the door behind us, giving everything a glance over.

Assuming I had done my job, she turned to both Finn and I expectantly. “Well? I’ll need to input the location.”

  
  
“Go on, BB-8,” Finn nudged the droid. “Tell her.”

The droid made a series of beeps and Rey’s face screwed up in shock. _“The Ileenium System?”_

“The Ileenium System!” Finn confirmed quickly, lighting up and discreetly shooting BB-8 a thumbs up as Rey turned her back away.

“That’s too far for this ship to travel in its condition,” she shook her head, putting her hands on her hips and looking at both of us in defeat. “Too far for me to travel. I— I have to get back to Jakku.”

“Back to _Jakku_?” Finn spluttered. “Why does everyone want to go back to JAKKU?”

  
  
“Take us to the next planet,” I told her gently. “You can drop the three of us and… we’ll figure it out there I suppose.”

“ _Y/N_ ,” Finn said in a warning tone.

Rey looked conflicted. “I promised BB-8 I would get him home.”

I looked at Finn and knew instantly that he didn’t want the responsibility of seeing to BB-8. It was fear that I saw residing in his pupils… he knew what would happen should the First Order catch us. Especially since we had aided in the escape of a prisoner and were now travelling with the most sought-after droid in the galaxy.

“Come with us then,” I offered. “We’ll fly this ship back to the base and I’m sure we could ask someone to bring you back to Jakku.”

Rey was hesitant, looking unsurely between Finn and I. “I don’t know if I can be away for so long.”

“Why do you want to go back to Jakku so badly?” Finn asked. “It’s a dump. Do you have any family there?”

He paused, running a hand over his head nervously. “A boyfriend maybe?”

“Oh Finn,” I whispered to myself, stifling the urge to laugh at him.

Rey shot him an irritated glare, “that’s none of your business.”

“I just think it’s stupid to go back to Jakku,” he argued. “Not when the First Order is after you.”

A few urgent beeps came from the control panel, making us swivel our heads in the direction of the sound. Rey went forward to check on it and before she could even say anything, I knew what was wrong. 

“This ship needs to land soon. It’ll only survive one trip of hyperdrive before I need to see to the engines. What’s the nearest planet?” I asked, leaning forward to see the controls.

Rey pulled up the holographic map. “The nearest stop is a planet called Takodana.”

I looked to Finn but he was about as clueless as I was. Neither of us had heard of that planet before and had no idea what was on it either. But it wasn’t like we could travel anywhere else — we needed to land this ship before it dropped right out of space entirely.

Rey set the course and looked back at us expectantly.“There’s an outpost on Takodana. I’ve heard that smugglers are welcome there… somebody runs some kind of establishment. Some of the traders that came to Jakku used to talk about it.”

  
  
“Okay,” Finn nodded and his eyes met mine.

As Rey busied herself with the ship’s controls, Finn wrapped his fingers around my bicep and pulled me away quietly. He looked at me solemnly, his hold on me firm but not hard.

“There has to be someone there who will give us a lift in exchange for some work,” he said to me. “We’ll find someone who’ll take us out of this system and as far away from this chaos as we can get.”

  
  
“Finn,” I mumbled, “we… we can’t just leave—”

“I don’t know about you, Y/N,” he interjected, “but I’ve seen firsthand what the First Order can do. You saw what Kylo Ren did! He stopped a ship in the air! What do you think he’ll do to _you?_ You want to be subjected to that wrath, be my guest but I’m sorry. I can’t.”

  
  
“Finn,” I sighed. I couldn’t blame him. Even I had become fearful of what Kylo would do to me if he ever found me again. His temper would be unchecked… I was a traitor now. If Snoke gave the order to kill me… would he be able to go against his master’s wishes?

“They won’t spare you if that’s what you’re thinking,” Finn levelled with me. “They also won’t hesitate to kill you — that is after they’ve tortured you first and made you tell them everything that you know about the Resistance.”

“Hey guys,” Rey’s voice called out to us. “Take a seat, we’re about to have a slightly bumpy ride.”

  
  
Finn shot me another look, asking silently if I was on board with him.

He was right; I knew that. Kylo would kill me without hesitation if Snoke ordered it — I didn’t mean shit to him. What was a lowly engineer in the grand scheme of things to the great Kylo Ren? I didn’t truly know him and I never would — he wasn’t that kind of man. He would never be what I wanted…

So why couldn’t I let him go? What semblance of hope was I holding on to?

  
  
I turned to Finn, taking my seat beside Rey and just gave him a defeated nod as an answer.

I silently prayed that I'd never see Kylo again - mostly because I was so scared of what his reaction to my betrayal would be. If he was as much of a monster as his parents had said... then he might as well kill me than subject me to that realisation. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i know it's been a bit slow... but we definitely going to start heating things up now so stay tuned!!!
> 
> how do you guys think kylo will react when he finally sees you again?


	19. That's Our Ship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You land at Takodana and meet the real owner of your ship.

Rey had set a course to Takodana, sitting up front in the cockpit with Finn and both of them were happily chatting away. I had smirked to myself quietly, hearing how eager Finn was to speak to her. But after a while, the last few days had started catching up to me and I felt my bones whining to lie down.

So, I had left the two of them, my exhaustion finally catching up to me and I hunted around the ship for where the rooms would be. Towards the back of the ship, there had been a vacant room and I all but threw myself into the cot. A coating of dust covered everything and I spluttered as a cloud went up from the sheets.

I knew that nobody had been aboard this ship for years and I wondered who had been sleeping in this cot before me. I laughed ironically as I realised I was actually longing for my own scratchy, tiny cot back at base.

The only problem was that I couldn’t fall asleep yet. My body felt like water; my limbs too tired to move. This was the first moment that I’d had to myself in the last few days — away from all the chaos that had erupted and now my brain refused to quiet down. Instead, I started processing all the things that had happened to me… how could so much have happened in such a short time? My entire life had changed in an instant.

I found myself thinking back to my fight with Ig and my heart throbbed with regret. I really did understand where he was coming from — why he had been adamant that I stay at base. He was trying to protect me, I knew that deep down.

He didn’t understand that I wasn’t just running away from the First Order — but also from Kylo. I knew I was scared of what I felt for him and how intensely those feelings had developed over such a short time. But I was scared of what Kylo really was and I couldn’t face the truth of that situation right now. Seeing him defend blowing up a planet… killing innocent villagers…

I cringed as I remember throwing Ig into the wall. How could I have done that to my best friend? Yes, he had snitched on me and yes, if Kylo had managed to stop our ship I would’ve been in _deep_ shit —

but I had flung Ig across the room as if he were a tissue that I was discarding. 

I didn’t even realise that I was capable of that. The most I’d ever managed to do before was occasionally get small objects to fly into my hands and even that had been a stretch and left me with a headache. 

If Kylo had any doubt of my abilities before, it was surely gone now. He had witnessed firsthand what I could do and I honestly could only see one course of action he could take: 

I was a traitor to the First Order and I posed a possible threat. He wouldn’t hesitate to call a hit on me.

I thought back to the Kylo I knew better than everyone else; the side of himself that he showed only to me. The side of him that was protective of me, that was gentle — ~~the side of him that I was falling for.~~ No. Not anymore. 

I sighed, remembering I had confessed to Ig that I was in love with Kylo. In truth, now as I stared at the stark white ceiling of this ship and listened to the hum of the engine through the walls... I wasn’t sure anymore.

I wanted to narrow it down to the fact that there was some sort of connection between Kylo and I, which had accelerated my feelings for him over the last two months.

I didn’t know a lot about the force or how it worked — but maybe the fact that I was force sensitive was one of the reasons that he and I were so attracted to each other. 

Maybe now that we were separated, our connection would sever and with that — my feelings for him would dissipate. 

I sighed, scrubbing my face with my hands in frustration. A part of me wished that Finn would never have broken free of his conditioning and that I never would’ve discovered what the First Order was truly doing. 

Then I would’ve never confronted Kylo... would never have heard his thoughts about Hosnian Prime. He and I could’ve been together and I wouldn’t have had to run away and risk _everything_ in the process. 

But even as I entertained that train of thought for more than a few seconds, I felt my heart clench in fury. It wasn’t better to live in ignorance — to just pretend that everything was fine when it clearly wasn’t. I couldn’t stand idly by and let all of this destruction happen whilst knowingly being apart of it.

I was glad I left. I was glad I had helped Finn escape and saved him in the process. I just wished that Poe could’ve made it with us. If I was going to regret anything: it was that. Keeping Poe alive was the only thing I would’ve changed. 

My eyes began to burn with fatigue and I shut them tightly, thinking of black leather, black silk and gorgeous black eyes. I didn’t know if the trickle that ran down my cheek was from being so tired or from something else.

_Where have you gone, Y/N?_

I jerked upwards so quickly that I got lightheaded, the blood rushing to my head as a result from sitting up too fast. Black fuzz began to bleed into my vision, obscuring it slightly and I blinked rapidly to get rid of it. 

“I’m... I’m just tired,” I whispered to myself, lying back down on the cot and trying to swallow the lump that was forming in my throat. “I... we’re too far away from each other for me to hear him.” 

But I couldn’t lie to myself. I knew his voice, I knew what it was like to have his thoughts in my head. I knew that was him and I found myself begging the universe to keep me safe. 

Finn was right; if he found me, I’d never survive Kylo’s wrath. 

* * *

I didn’t know how long I had been asleep when we finally landed. I was woken up by the rather harsh landing, the ship jerking and jolting as it finally came to a rest. I heard the engine groan loudly as if the ship were complaining about having been flown after its many years of dormancy.

I stretched out my limbs, coughing slightly as the dust that was swirling around the room and went out to find Rey and Finn. BB-8 gave a few chirps of excitement when it saw that I was awake and I greeted it politely.

Finn smiled slightly when he saw me and from the dark rings forming under his eyes, I knew he hadn’t slept but was damn ready to collapse.

“Did you not rest?” I asked him as Rey let the ramp of the ship down.

He shook his head, “I didn’t feel like it was fair to leave Rey by herself to fly the ship alone.”  
  
  
“ _Sure_ ,” I smirked.

He rolled his eyes irritably, bumping my shoulder with his. “Just shut up.”  
  


“I’ve never seen so much green before,” Rey remarked, her eyes wide as we all exited the ship and stared at our surroundings. I breathed in a big gulp of air, revelling in how fresh it was.

Rey continued to marvel over the layout of the area, before sighing peacefully and leading us over to the massive castle that we had arrived at. Rey spoke as she walked, forcing us to keep pace with her in order to hear her words.

“The First Order knows that BB-8 is aboard that ship,” she explained. “They’ll be after all of us — but especially have put a hit out on our ship. We need a new one — a clean one so that we can get BB-8 back safely.”

Finn, whistled as we walked up to the castle, “there must be people working for the Resistance here. Someone will know how to get BB-8 back to base.”

“We can barter our ship for safe passage,” I suggested. “It’s junk, but it can be sold for scraps or parts.”  
  
  
Rey nodded, “good idea. That could work.”

Finn nudged me, shooting me a worried glance. I knew he was not on board with this at all — he just wanted to run as far away from this star system as he could. I shrugged, telling him to hold it together until we could figure something out.

As soon as Rey threw the door open, all eyes were on us and I shivered uncomfortably. But as soon as everyone saw that we weren’t anyone important, they lost interest with us and continued on with their conversations.

We were practically invisible in this room, nobody paying us any attention.

Well, there was one pair of eyes on us.

It was an old man, staring at both Rey and I intently. I looked away hastily, feeling myself squirm with discomfort. I figured he was oogling us — something Rey hadn’t taken any notice of.

Finn walked all the way to the bar, taking charge and speaking to the bartender in hushed tones. “Do you know where we could find any smugglers?”

The bartender let out a hearty, mocking laugh and it made Finn blink in surprise. He continued wiping the rim of a glass with a dirty rag and fixed Finn with a smug look.

“Just take a look around!” he exclaimed, guffawing.

Finn turned back to us and shrugged, out of ideas. Before any of us could say anything, the old man stood up and walked over to us.

I tugged at Rey’s arm in panic and she finally realised what I was so uneasy over. She stood up straighter, hands balling into fists as she prepared to fight.

The man eyed us dangerously, looking between the three of us observantly. “You lot were on that ship that just landed outside, weren’t you?”

  
Finn squared his shoulders, trying to assert dominance. “Are you a smuggler? We need you—”

“No, buddy here’s the deal,” the man said, letting out a curt laugh. “That ship you just flew in on? I’m taking it. You can consider the fact that I’m not going to wring your necks as a courtesy for having brought it back to me.”

“What?” Rey spluttered. “That’s our ship—”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” the old man interjected. “It’s _mine_.”


	20. You Must Be Han Solo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You discuss how to move forward with Han. 
> 
> And somewhere across the galaxy, he boils with rage without you.

“What do you mean it’s yours?” Finn demanded, trying not to be intimidated by this man.

“I mean,” the man glared, “I’ve been searching for it for years. That’s the Millennium Falcon.”

“ _That’s_ the Millenium Falcon?” Rey squeaked, her eyes lighting up. “You… you must be Han Solo!”  
  


The man looked around quickly, trying to see if anyone else was listening. “Yeah, kid. You’ve heard of me?”

  
  
  
“Of course!” Rey exclaimed. “You’re only the most famous smuggler! We actually need your help—”

  
“No no no,” Han declined instantly, holding his hands up and shaking his head. “I don’t do that anymore. You’ll need to find someone else. Come on Chewie, let’s go.”  
  


A massive Wookie stood up from the bar, shifting a crossbow in his arms and regarding us cooly. I swallowed, the uncertainty of this interaction making me uneasy.

  
“If you’re Han Solo, then you have to help us,” Rey insisted, grabbing the man by the arm and preventing him from leaving. “Please. You would know better than anyone.”

  
  
  
“Listen kid, sorry to disappoint you,” he said, yanking his arm free of her grip. “I haven’t been Han Solo for years now. I’m afraid you’re too late.”

Rey looked to me helplessly but I just shrugged in response. I didn’t know who this man was or why she thought he was so important. Finn rubbed the back of his neck in anguish, looking at the two of us for any kind of plan as the man left through the front doors.

“We can’t just let him go,” Rey hissed. “If anyone knows—”

“That ship is also the only bit of leverage we have,” Finn interrupted. “We can’t get another ride with anyone else if we don’t trade that in.”

I looked to Rey, “who is he? Why do you think he can help us?”

“Don’t you know Han Solo?” she asked, dumbfounded. 

Finn's eyes widened. "Wait. I knew i recognised that name. He's the old Rebellion General?"

She stared at us quizzically before she continued, “I heard that he's an old war hero… I think there was something about Luke and him being friends.”

“But can we trust him?” I urged. 

“I mean, he’s our best shot,” Rey sighed.

We exchanged unsure glances but we didn’t really have a lot of options. If he left with that ship, we would have no money and no way to get off this planet. Besides, the First Order was tracking us — they surely wouldn’t be too far behind. We needed a solution and we needed it _now_. The three of us and BB-8 hounded after him, managing to catch up to him as he was making his way over to our — his? — ship.

“If you’re here to argue with me about my ship,” Han laughed, “Chewie won’t hesitate to shoot you.”

We were a few steps away from the ship, looming forward in the distance. The Wookie let out an excited noise as he saw it through the canopy of trees, dashing toward it quickly.

Han whistled when he saw it, stopping for a moment to take it in. “What have you three done to my ship? Why is it smoking?”

“It was in bad shape when we found it,” I explained, stumbling through the dirt path. “But I can help fix it, I’m an engineer—”

Han shot me a skeptical sideways glance. “I already have Chewie, he’ll take care of our ship like always. I’m sure you’re great but we don’t need your help, thanks.”

“You do actually,” I countered, angrily. I was getting so sick of men telling me they knew better than I did.

“I’ve already inspected the ship and know exactly what needs to be done. If you make any mistakes, overlook any certain areas of those _very_ busted engines — and the second you put that thing into hyperdrive, you’ll be blown up into pieces and scattered across three different star systems.”

I gave him a hard glare, folding my arms over my chest. “But if that’s what you’d prefer, then be my guest.”

  
  
Han looked at me, his mouth almost upturning into a smile. “And what do you want in return for all your gracious work?”

  
  
“We need your help,” I replied instantly. “Help us and I’ll help you.”

  
  
He rolled his eyes, advancing toward the ship again. “I don’t know what you guys expect, but I can assure you that I’m not who you think I am—”

“Does the name Luke Skywalker mean anything to you?” I asked, stepping over the large rocks in the dirt path. Finn grunted as he tripped over one, latching onto Rey and regaining his footing quickly.

In all honesty, the name meant hardly anything to me. I didn’t know who he was but he had to be extremely important if the entire First Order _and_ the Resistance were after his whereabouts. It was a shot in the dark, but maybe this man might know him too.

But it had worked. Han stopped dead in his tracks and turned to face me slowly.

“What?” he swallowed, his body going rigid.

“Luke Skywalker,” I repeated, Finn and Rey coming to a halt behind me.

“What about him?” Han was almost snarling, his hands balling up into fists at his side.

There was something about his mannerisms that just seemed _so_ familiar to me. Something about him… what was I recognising in him? But it was the way he moved and spoke that had me instantly relax… as if I knew him from somewhere. I don’t know how but I just felt in my core that I could trust him, that we would be safe.

“BB-8 has a map that leads to him,” I said, “we need to get him back to the Resistance base. Rey thinks you can help us with that… we’re desperate. The First Order is also after the droid— after us as well so we don’t have the luxury of time.”

“Please,” Rey implored from behind me. “I… I know some of the stories of the old war. I know you were close.”

I turned to look at them both and noticed Finn had paled. He didn’t want to be wrapped up in this and I was grateful that he hadn’t just instantly bailed yet.

“I… I haven’t heard from Luke in ages,” Han admitted, his throat closing with emotion. He seemed to do a mental shake of himself, regarding all of us in a new light. “Let’s… let’s just see what the droid has.”

He turned and continued toward the ship and I took that as our cue to follow him. Finn put a hand on my shoulder, holding me back as Rey ran up front and chatted happily to Han.

“You and I both know we don’t have—” he began.

“I _know_ Finn,” I snapped, “if we get him onboard with our plan to help BB-8, maybe he’ll drop us in another system.”

  
  
“There has to be someone _else_ back there who will let us work for them in exchange for travel,” Finn argued, starting up pace again and walking slowly to the ship. “You’re an engineer for kriff’s sake — you’re a hot commodity.”

“Wow thanks,” I drawled, but I smiled anyway. “Just… give it a chance. Wait and see where this goes, we can’t exactly just run away right now.”

Finn huffed, uneasy with my decision but didn’t argue anymore. He followed me up the ramp, entering the ship where we could hear the Wookie’s cries of delight echoing down the corridors as he ran around the ship.

We found Han and Rey in the common area, Han looking less disgruntled than before as Rey talked his ear off about everything she knew about him.

“ _Twelve_ parsecs,” he corrected her, shaking his head as he muttered, “fourteen” to himself in disdain. 

“They’re with the Resistance,” Rey introduced us as she noticed us walking into the room. “I’m just a scavenger. We promised BB-8 that we would help him get home.”

  
  
“Well,” Han nodded to the droid. “Show us what you got.”

  
  
“It’s okay,” Rey encouraged BB-8 who gave a few chirps in reply. He rolled over to the port and plugged himself in, a holographic map suddenly appearing in the middle of the room.

“This… this map is incomplete,” Han mumbled, surveying it thoroughly. “It’s just a piece. Ever since Luke disappeared, people have been looking for him. The First Order especially. Nobody has heard from him in so long that he might even be dead.”

“But why did he leave?” Rey asked, staring at the map in awe.

Han walked around the map, his hands on his hips and the lines in his face growing harder as if they would cement into his skin forever. “He was training a new generation of Jedi. When one of the boys turned against him… he destroyed everything that Luke had built. Luke felt responsible for that… so he left.”

“Do you know where he might have gone?” I asked.

“Some of the rumours that I had heard stated that he went looking for the first Jedi temple. If anything… they’re most likely to be true. Luke was always searching for the power that connected the light to the dark.”

Han sighed, scrubbing his face with his hands before he turned to us.

“Chewie! Fix the ship, won’t you? We’re going to see an old friend in the meantime,” Han declared, shouting off into the ship’s halls. Once he heard an answering cry from the Wookie he turned back to us. “You want my help? Well, you’re getting it. You came to the right planet actually, there’s someone here who will know how to get BB-8 back to base.”

He went over to a closet, pulling some things out of it. “Engineer, when we’re done speaking to Maz you can happily fulfil your promise to help Chewie out.”

I nodded ignoring the sudden pang in my chest, “of course.” Nobody had called me by my title like that since—

No.

  
“Here,” he said to Finn, shoving a blaster into his arms. He looked Finn over again and then past his shoulder to me. “Where did you two say you worked again?”

“We’re part of the Resistance,” Finn answered. “And we’re a pretty big deal too. Are you sure there’s no First Order sympathisers here?”

Han raised his eyebrows still slightly suspicious, “I’m sure it’ll be fine, Big Deal.”

Han led us out of the ship, back towards the castle that we had just come out of. He tossed Rey a blaster and turned back to me awkwardly.

“Um, that’s about all I have—” he started.

“It’s fine,” I said, raising my hand to stop him. “I don’t know how to use one anyway.”

  
  
Besides, if we got into any real trouble I just prayed to the universe that my little secret would pull through for me again. I really needed to figure out how to actually access my power and use it on command the way that I had seen Kylo do. If I could do that… then I wouldn’t have to be so unsure as to whether or not I could properly defend myself.

“Maz Kanata is our best bet of getting BB-8 back to the Resistance,” Han explained as we trudged back toward the castle. I climbed over the large rocks in the pathway, wishing that the path had just been an easy staircase rather than dirt and stone instead.

“And we can trust her?” Finn queried, the shake in his voice evident as he spoke.

“Relax kid,” Han placated him. “She’s an old friend of mine. She’s been in this business for over a thousand years — if anyone knows how to contact Leia, it’ll be her.”

“Leia?” Rey queried. I was grateful she had asked instead of Finn or I asking. From context, this Leia person probably worked for the Resistance and it wouldn’t help our case if we had been the ones to ask.

“Oh you’ll find out soon enough,” Han mumbled, wiping his hands over his pants as if overcome with sudden nerves. I figured maybe he knew this Leia pretty well that the mere mention of her would make him anxious.

Han fixed his jacket as we climbed the steps leading to the large wooden door. “I was speaking to Maz earlier before she tipped me off to the Millennium Falcon landing outside. Once she realises you guys aren’t just common thieves, she’ll warm up.”

He pushed open the front doors, walking quickly through the large groups of people until he found a short person tending to a table. She turned when she saw him and her eyes brightened.

“Can’t get enough of me, Han Solo? I see you're back for more already,” she grinned, her voice booming through the room. “But what happened to my boyfriend?”

“He’s working on the Falcon,” Han replied. “Listen, Maz I need help—”

“ _Desperately_ ,” she finished for him. “Yes, I figured when I saw these three run out after you. Come with me. Let’s get this over with, shall we?”  
  
  


* * *

Somewhere, not exactly far far away and completely unbeknownst to me — a man (maybe barely a man) paced through the corridors. He was clenching and unclenching his fists by his sides in anger. He hadn’t felt this much deep rooted rage in a very long time, it was almost as if the anchor on his anger had suddenly come unstuck. There was nothing keeping that emotion at bay now; he was simply surrounded by that overwhelming fury as if it were filling his throat, drowning him.

He ignited his glowing red lightsaber and slashed the metal walls until his arms burned and he was forced to stop, panting heavily. The metal before him melted, glowing red from the heat of his weapon and from his wrath. He growled, tossing his weapon across the room and staring out through the window.

He didn’t know what he’d do if he found her again.

But he _was_ going to find her.

There wasn’t a corner of this entire kriffing galaxy that he wouldn’t search.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating for a few days! but i'm going to make it up with double updates today as well as a sneak peek from our favourite temper tantrum


	21. Kylo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo makes preparations. 
> 
> He has found you.

“C—C—Commander Ren,” the voice shook as its owner spoke. He hated that title, it sounded _bitter_ when it came from anyone else’s mouth. But that’s all they would call him and it meant that he lived in a constant reminder of betrayal whenever anyone addressed him.

“Out with it,” he spoke firmly, the synthesiser in his helmet making his voice more menacing.

“We—we were unable to require the droid on Jakku Sir,” the man spoke carefully, choosing his words to avoid any unpleasant reaction from his superior. Unfortunately for him, his superior was in a shitty mood lately and would be for the continuous future.

Kylo waited for the man to continue.

“The droid escaped on a freighter,” he swallowed nervously. “It— it had help from… from who we believe to be FN-2187.”  
  


The man made the mistake of pausing, allowing Kylo’s to grow more impatient.

  
“Is that all?” He knew it wasn’t and that fury simmered inside of him like an unwatched pot.

Kylo’s fists tightened, his gloves straining. The man’s eyes flicked down to his Commander’s tense hands and a bead of sweat dripped down his forehead.

“He was accompanied…” the man winced as Kylo moved to cross his arms over his chest. “He… was accompanied by two women.”  
  
  
The metal panels on the floor started to vibrate gently but enough that the man could feel it through the thick soles of his boots. He knew what was making the floor vibrate, he could now literally feel the physical side effects of his Commander’s anger as it ebbed out of him.

“Who were these women?” Kylo prompted. His voice, although calm did not reflect his inner state. He needed this man to say her name. Hearing her name for the first time in the last six days would be the end to any semblance of peace he had left.

“One is unknown, just a lowly scavenger,” the man swallowed, his hands clutching desperately to his clipboard as if it would shield him somehow. “One is… one is the engineer from—”

Kylo stretched out his hand then, not being able to take the truth being said aloud despite it not being a surprise. He didn’t know if a part of him was relieved that she had survived the crash or if it was resentful.

The poor man flew across the room, his throat finding its rightful home in Kylo’s strong hand.

“The engineer who ran away,” Kylo spoke slowly, his fingers tightening on the man’s jaw. He almost imagined the bone splintering under his grip, this man’s jaw dislocating as he crushed it. “Where have they all gone?”  
  
  
He released his grip slightly so that the man could speak. He coughed, spluttered out desperately: “we’re working on it! We’re tracking their ship as we speak.”

Kylo dropped the man as if he were a sack of potatoes. He fell to the ground at Kylo’s feet, clutching his throat and wheezing in big gulps of air.

He turned away from him, uninterested in the pathetic display. Kylo turned to face the window, staring out at all the stars and planets they were crossing. He tried to gain control of the situation again. 

“Has General Hux ordered use of the weapon yet?” he asked blankly, his hands clasping behind his back as he spoke.He didn’t bother turning to see if the man was even alive.

“Y-Yes Commander Ren,” came the meek reply. “Just as the Supreme Leader requested. It will take place in just a few hours. The New Republic will fall shortly.”

Kylo dropped his shoulders, sighing deeply. He couldn’t explain what he was feeling but he felt something else, chipping away slightly at the block of his anger. He didn’t know what emotion he was feeling, couldn’t name it and just as he tried to focus on it — it disappeared and everything was just seething red again.

_Where have you gone, Y/N?_

He couldn’t help the thought, couldn’t help wondering where she was. It filled him with dread, he couldn’t let some random girl be a distraction to him. Yet, she was.

He hadn’t slept since she left — since she had stared at him with horror upon realising her planet was going to be destroyed.

“You’re dismissed,” he snapped harshly. “Get out.”

He heard the scampering of the man, hurriedly leaving the room and probably saying a thousand prayers in thanks to whichever deity had allowed him to escape with his life.

Kylo stood stoically, playing her words over in his head.

_“I don’t want to be anywhere near you!”_

He snarled, irritated with himself with how much of a hold she had had on him. He hadn’t admitted it at the time — and still couldn’t bring himself to admit it even now — but hearing that come from her mouth had hurt just as much as his parents abandoning him. He had known in that moment that he was losing the only other important thing in his life.

It was better that she had shown her true colours and become a traitor. Now she was gone and couldn’t be a form of distraction for him anymore. He could focus on his master’s teachings… could finally stop feeling that small tug to the light. Now that he was free of her — free of her thoughts — he could finally flourish with the dark side and fulfil his duty.

Kylo closed his eyes and slipped into a slight meditation, trying to feel out with the force. He didn’t know what he was looking for exactly, but he allowed the force to guide him — to show him what he _needed_ to see.

He figured he would see the droid, feel its location and that the force would guide him to this realisation. That’s what he wanted most, wasn’t it? To satisfy his servitude to his master. That’s all that mattered to him; letting the dark call to him and fill up every fibre of his being. That’s who he was deep down — he had a job to do, he had a role to complete. Right?

He let out a frustrated huff of air, allowing his muscles to relax and his mind to clear.

The room was silent but he was starting to hear slight whispers from all around him. He couldn’t make out the words just yet and he strained his ears, pushing himself to hear more. He was almost there… almost completely connected through the force. But connected to what?

His muscles tensed with the effort and he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold this connection for long. So when he heard her voice, ringing loudly in his head as if she were standing right by his shoulder he almost audibly gasped.

_“We need your help.”_

It couldn’t have been anyone else other than her. He didn’t understand this connection between them, thinking that after she had soured their relationship with her distance that it would sever.

Clearly, he was wrong.

He could feel his body aching with the labour of holding the connection, his muscles starting to burn painfully. But he couldn’t let her go, he needed to hear more. Where _was_ she?

Even though his eyes were closed, his vision suddenly started to change. It was blurry, as if he were looking through an unfocused lens. He was shaking, his limbs screaming at him to rest — that they couldn’t take anymore of this. But not yet, he couldn’t stop until he knew where she was.

Through blurry eyes, he started to make out a canopy of deep green trees. The image of trees changed slowly as she turned her attention towards something in the distance, the shake of the image mimicking the fact that she was walking. It was a castle with thousands of flags by its entrance, the colours being so out of focus that it was making him sick to look at it all. 

It was another voice — a voice that he hadn’t heard in years that threw him out of the trance as if he had been punched. Kylo was thrown to the floor, his rear hitting the solid metal so hard that he cried out in alarm.

He trembled, startled from the vision. He knew where she was, he had recognised the castle although it had been blurry. He knew that his master would be pleased that he had located the droid… that he had found out the location of the map they needed so desperately.

But he couldn’t shake the voice he had heard speaking to her. He knew that voice maybe better than he knew her’s. Unless he had made a grave error somehow and made two connections at once (unlikely) — she was with the man he hated the most in the world.

He stood, his knees wobbling slightly before he regained his balance and sought out the first Lieutenant he could lay his eyes on.

“Prepare my ship and set an immediate course to Takodana,” he ordered gruffly. “Inform the Knights now to meet me urgently.” 

“Yes Commander Ren,” the Lieutenant saluted before dashing off.

He had found her and he was coming after her. But he swallowed uneasily when he remembered who she was with.

That was impossible. How could she be with his scoundrel of a father? He slammed his fist into the wall, thinking of her with him. What lies would his father tell her in order to fester her hatred for him? 

He heard the unmistakable footsteps of the Knights marching toward him and it pulled him out of his thoughts. 

“Ushar you will take the lead on this,” he announced as they surrounded him, waiting for his orders. “We are to go to Takodana and retrieve the droid.” 

“What of the Stormtrooper?” Vicrul asked. “And the Engineer?”

Ap’lek grinned maliciously. “I heard there’s another woman with them too.”

”So, we kill the Stormtrooper,” Ushar finalized the details. “But the women? Maybe we have a little bit of fun with them before we come to any harsh conclusions.”

Ap’lek nudged him smiling, “I think that’s only fair. The engineer is a traitor to the First Order anyway, surely she can’t expect—”

”No harm will come to her,” Kylo tensed, seething with rage as they spoke about her. None of them would touch her. She was _his_. 

“But Commander, why do you care? What is so important about—”

Kylo lurched forward, grabbing Ap’lek by his collar and slamming him into the wall.

”I _said_ ,” he barked, “no harm will come to her. That is an order and if any of you disobey that — you will have me to answer to.”

He released his hold on Ap’lek, who rubbed at his chest in order to relieve the pain. 

“The Supreme Leader has requested to meet with the engineer,” he explained, trying to shut the Knights up. “He will not appreciate if she is hurt and it’s not like any of you are particularly gentle in battle.” 

It wasn’t a _complete_ lie; the Supreme Leader did want to see the engineer. But mostly to determine what hold she held on his apprentice. He just wouldn’t have cared whether she came with her head attached or not. 

But Kylo couldn’t stand to let them lay even a finger on her.

From what he had seen on the ramp, she was strong with the force and just beginning to explore her power. He hated to admit it, but he was excited to see how she would react to him. Just how powerful was she? 

If it was enough, the Supreme Leader would surely want her to train under Kylo — to become another warrior for the First Order. She wouldn’t want to come at first but after he showed her the dark side — what it could do for her? He knew she would understand then. She would understand what this had all been about. 

Maybe he could get her back. 

Kylo turned to the other Knights, snapping off final instructions. None of them argued with him, losing all humour as they took in the gravity of his tone. 

“Go make your preparations,” he said finally. “We leave in twenty minutes.” 

“Are we to detain the engineer then?” Ushar asked. “Or to steer clear of her? She will not come willingly.”

”No,” Kylo shook his head. “You are right about that — she won’t come willingly.” 

He straightened his back, nodding in agreement.

“I will deal with the engineer directly,” Kylo decided. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed kylo’s pov!
> 
> again, kylo is super brainwashed so obviously he’s very misguided.


	22. It Was Just A Vision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You discuss plans with Maz and she shows you a vision of the future.

Maz took us all to a table in the corner, immediately chiding Han about something arbitrary. I tuned out after they bickered for a while, trying to focus on what I could feel happening to me.

Just before we had sat down, Han had turned to me and said something about not drinking any of the yellow drinks. He had been trying to lighten the tension, Rey and Finn laughing behind me but the sound of his voice stirred up no mirth for me.

Instead, it had awakened something almost feral inside of me all of a sudden. It was like a wave of fury washed over me and had dissipated just as fast, leaving me feeling lightheaded from such an intense mood swing. I knew what I had felt — or rather, _who_ I had felt.

And I took that quick insight into his emotions for what it was: a warning.

I leaned into Finn and dropped my voice into a whisper, “anything suspicious?”  
  
  
  
I knew that he was on as high alert as I was and had been scanning the room the entire time we had been here, looking out for anyone who seemed particularly interested in us.

He shook his head, “nothing alarming yet.”

  
  
  
“I don’t like that we’re just _sitting_ here having a normal conversation,” I told him, letting his shoulder support the weight of my body as I leaned further into his side.

“Me either,” he muttered. “We need to leave as soon as possible.”

Maz narrowed her eyes at Han from across the table and declined whatever he had asked her for. “No, I won’t. You need to go HOME Han, it’s been too long.”

Han just shook his head sadly, leaning back in his chair. “No. Leia doesn’t want to see me.”

I wondered what he had been like during the old war because looking at him now — it wasn’t hard to see that life had _broken_ him. He was all hard lines and anguish but from the wrinkles around his eyes and his mouth, I could see that he had laughed plenty in his youth.

Plus, I could _not_ shake the feeling that he was familiar to me and I couldn’t place him in my memory. Where had I ever seen this man before? The way he moved and the way he talked, he almost reminded me of…

No, that’s ridiculous.

“C’mon Maz,” Han pleaded. “We need you to get a message out to Leia.”

  
  
Maz lifted her hands up and placed them under her chin. “Chances are, she already knows you’re here. People talk, Han.”  
  
  


Both Finn and I jerked forward as she said that, Finn’s eyes instantly going wide as he cried, “what are you talking about?”  
  
  
  
Maz gestured wildly around the room, “everyone from everywhere comes here, child.”

  
  
Finn and I exchanged worried glances, both of thinking the exact same thing. He ran a hand over his head nervously, his eyes lighting up with fear.

“If the Resistance knows that we’re here,” he began, looking around. “That means that the First order does too. They have spies _everywhere_ , there’s no chance that we haven’t been recognised already.”

  
  
Maz adjusted her glasses so that she could magnify her vision, looking at Finn intently. “When you live as long as I do, you see the same eyes in different people.”

  
  
She leaned forward onto the table, coming closer to Finn’s face. “I’m looking at the eyes of a man who wants to run.”

Finn’s face turned hard as he challenged her. “You have no idea who I am or what I’ve seen. You don’t know the First Order like I do. They will not hesitate to _slaughter_ us.”

Maz looked between the two of us for a while before she concluded, “you two are not telling us the whole truth.”

  
  
“Finn is right,” I piped up. “Staying in one place like this isn’t good. We need to keep moving. The further we get away from the First Order, the better.”

  
  
“If you want to run away so badly,” Maz leaned back in her chair, clasping her hands together in front of her thoughtfully before she pointed to her right. “Those two will trade work for transportation to the Outer Rim. There, you can disappear.”

“You guys can’t just go,” Rey said, surprised. “What about BB-8? We have to get him back to your base!”

  
  
“Come with us,” Finn begged, looking at her in a sincere way.BB-8 gave a few distressed chirps but Finn just shot him a forlorn smile and turned back to Rey. “We can’t stay.”

  
  
“No,” Rey spoke, standing up and coming between us. “I won’t let you go.”

  
  
Finn sighed, rubbing at the back of his neck nervously. “We’re not who you think we are. We’re not heroes. Y/N is just an engineer and I—”

“I’m sorry, _just_?” I snapped at him at the same time Rey exclaimed:

“Yeah, I already know that! Just because Y/N isn’t a warrior or anything, doesn’t mean her work isn’t heroic in its own way.”

“No,” Finn shook his head, lowering his voice. “She’s engineer for the First Order. I’m a Stormtrooper.”

“Oh for kriff’s sake,” Han muttered to himself, putting a hand over his face in exasperation.

“Well we _were_ ,” I corrected him. “We obviously got away.”

“What?” Rey’s voice was soft, disbelieving.

Finn looked desperate to prove that he wasn’t the bad guy. “But we’re not those things anymore. My first battle… I couldn’t fulfil the order. I refused to do their dirty work and so did Y/N. We ran away, became traitors of the Order rather than their…”

He trailed off, searching for the right words and I finished for him: “puppets.”

  
He nodded to me gratefully before turning his attention back to Rey.

“But we’re done with them,” Finn said definitively. “And we’re never going back. That’s why we’re running. I—we, can’t live like that.”

“So don’t go,” Rey pleaded with him. “Stay here and help.”

  
  
Finn sighed, “take care of yourself, Rey.”

He held out a hand to me and I let him pull me up from the chair. Finn was right; we needed to go before it was too late but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was making a mistake. I hesitated and he noticed, raising his eyebrows in horror at me.

“You’re not seriously thinking of staying here?” he hissed, putting his hands on my shoulders. “Y/N, don’t be—”

“Something calls to you,” Maz spoke loudly, regaining everyone’s attention. “Doesn’t it?”

“I—I don’t know what it is,” I admitted. I had been trying to ignore the tug in my gut that was making me feel uneasy but it had become unbearable.

Maz drummed her fingers against her cheek, tilting her head to regard me intently. “I could sense your presence the moment you walked into this room.”

“What does that mean?” I asked her dumbfounded.

“It means,” Maz continued slowly, “that I could tell that there is something… about you. It keeps you here, you’re waiting for something.”

Finn inhaled deeply, trying to push all of his disappointment out of his body as he exhaled. He knew what I couldn’t say: I couldn’t come with. He didn’t argue anymore but he walked toward me, wrapped his strong arms around my body and squeezed me tightly against him.

“Just don’t die,” he whispered into the top of my head, before he released me. He turned around promptly and went over to the two guys that Maz had pointed out.

“I’m… I’m just going to see him off,” Rey announced awkwardly, following along after Finn quickly and enveloping him in her own hug.

It wasn’t so much that I was staying because I wanted to help the Resistance — I mean I did want to help sure, but I just felt like I couldn’t leave yet. A pull in my core was telling me there was something here that I needed to do and I was listening to it for some reason.

“You’re waiting,” Maz repeated, her mind racing as she thought. “Hmmm.”

  
  
“There’s nothing—” I began

“The force connects you to something.”

  
  
I looked to Han for help but he just shrugged in response, lifting his hands up as if to say: nothing I can do here, kid.

Before I could even nod to Maz, she was speaking again, her big eyes widening in the realisation. “No. Not to something… to some _one_.”

  
  
I swallowed uneasily, “h—how do you know—”

“Come with me,” Maz said, standing up. “You must see something.”

“Guess I’ll just stay here then,” Han said to nobody as Maz pulled me away.

I stumbled after Maz. For someone so short, she really could move fast. She led me down an old stone staircase and I tried not to cough from all the dust that was coating every surface of this basement.

She turned the corner, leading me deeper into an old stone room. There were so many artefacts lining the walls of the room that I stopped and looked at all of them as I passed. I heard her opening a huge trunk at the far end of the room, pulling something out of it. She unwrapped it from its layers of cloth and held it out to me in awe.

“This is my most treasured prize,” she marvelled. “I have held onto it for many years, waiting for it to reach out to someone. I know you cannot feel it, but it is reaching out to you now.”

  
  
I tried to take it but she quickly yanked it away before I could touch it. “What is it?”

“It is Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber and it was his father’s before him,” she explained. “It calls to you now — it’s the reason why you felt you could not leave.”

“I thought I couldn’t leave because of my connection to—”

“Yes, that does stop you. But whoever you’re running away from… you understand that you must face them, don’t you? You cannot let your fear control you the way it does, it is preventing you from being in touch with the force,” Maz said.

She gestured to the lightsaber, implying that I couldn’t hear its apparent beckoning because of my own inhibitions.

  
  
“You don’t know who I’m running from exactly,” I said, furrowing my brow and taking a step away from her. “If you did, you would understand why I’m so scared of being caught.”

“The force works in mysterious ways,” Maz continued. “I’m afraid that I might still have to live many more centuries before I understand it. What I do know, is that this hold over you — you _cannot_ outrun it.

“I am no Jedi, but I know the force. It moves through and surrounds every living thing and now it bonds you to your destiny. You must stop suppressing its call, feel the light — let it guide you.”

I only half-understood what she meant by not being able to outrun this — whatever the kriff this was between me and Kylo. I had been feeling uneasy ever since I had heard his thoughts again after waking up. I had thought that being so far away from him would get rid of whatever link there was with us, that I could pretend that none of this was happening.

But it hadn’t severed, instead having progressed further and now I was able to feel his fucking emotions. Whatever this bond was between us — it was only getting stronger.

Which scared the fuck out of me.

Maz hardered her glare. “Now, take this. I believe it will show you… whatever you need to see.”

She held out the lightsaber to me and I gingerly reached for it. As soon as my fingertips grazed its metal and I felt the full weight of it in my hand, the air was sucked out of my lungs in an instant.

I wasn’t standing with Maz in the basement of her castle anymore. Instead, I was somewhere else on a dark battlefield and I could just about make out the sounds of distant screaming. Ash was rolling around the ground, the sky dark with an oncoming storm and I coughed as my lungs burnt from inhaling the smoky air.

I walked further, able to make out a group of seven people clad all in black. Not an inch of their skin was visible — wrapped completely in thick black leather. As soon as the tallest one turned around, my blood turned cold from the realisation of who it was.

Kylo ignited his lightsaber and his helmet tinged red in the reflection of its glow, standing in front of the Knights. I didn’t bother taking a step away from him, didn’t even bother to feel afraid. He took a step forward, invading my space but he faced the lightsaber away from my body and reached out for me with his free hand.

I gulped as he pulled me into his chest, his free arm wrapping around my waist to keep me firmly in place as he leaned his helmeted face closer to mine. I braced both of my hands on his chest, allowing myself to lean my full weight against him. I would’ve let outa contented sigh but I was so afraid of ruining the moment and having him push me away.

Then in a voice that reverberated through his synthesiser, he barely whispered a sentence that had a shiver run down my spine.

_“Found you.”  
_

The scene changed in a rush before I could even comprehend what had happened. I collapsed to my knees but fell not on the ground that I had just been standing on — but on the metal grating of the Finalizer.

I stumbled to my feet, seeing Kylo standing a little ways away from me in all his glory. I almost would’ve gotten up and walked toward him when I realised his attention was focused on someone else.

Han Solo was walking tentatively toward him, his hands outstretched in a surrendering way. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, their voices too muffled for me to catch onto anything.

Han walked closer to Kylo, putting a hand on his shoulder and giving him a smile. He pulled him into a hug and I would’ve felt myself smile at the interaction but I could sense there was something off here — Kylo was too erratic in his movements.

I let out a scream as Kylo’s lightsaber ignited and ran through Han.

I fell onto the floor of Maz’s basement, still screaming as tears ran down my cheeks. I had tossed the lightsaber across the room as if it had burned my hand. Maz shook my shoulders, trying to snap me out of the trance that I was just in.

“You’re okay child, it was just a vision,” she comforted me. The tears were collecting on my chin and dripping off and I hiccuped, trying to bring myself back down.

“I— I saw him kill—” I couldn’t get the words out, a fresh bout of tears streaming out of my eyes. My heart was thudding in my chest and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. What was Kylo truly capable of?

“Not all visions come true,” Maz told me, firmly grasping my hand and pulling me up. “Remember that. Sometimes, they are a warning.Whatever you just saw… you saw it for a reason. You could either divert the path and prevent it or you can let it continue and have it come to fruition.”

She retrieved the lightsaber and placed it back into my palm. “Take it. Let the light guide you, child. Now go, you have much to do I fear.”

My legs felt weak as they carried me out of that basement and out of Maz’s castle. I couldn’t believe what I had just seen — what this thing in my hand had shown me. I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I didn’t even notice the crowd of people that had gathered outside and just blindly walked through them.

I felt a hand tug me backwards and I came face to face with Han. Except, he looked more distressed than usual.

“It was the Republic!” a voice screamed from behind me. I turned and saw a frantic Finn running up to us. “It’s the First Order. They’ve done it!”

  
  
I raised my eyebrows in confusion, still trying to comprehend what the kriff was going on. “Done what?”

  
  
“Look up,” Han said gravely, his eyes fixated on the sky.

Nothing in the entire galaxy could’ve prepared me for that.

“ _No_ ,” I cried out, a hand clapping against my mouth in despair.

Four red streams were in the sky, coming to a stop on four little dots.

My planet was blowing up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shame you go through the absolute most in this one
> 
> butttttt kylo is arriving next chapter ;)


	23. There You Are, Sweetheart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The First Order comes to Takodana.
> 
> Kylo is with them.

I couldn’t explain it.

It was almost like I just refused to process what had happened — it was too unbelievable. My heart crushed inside me as if someone had reached past my ribcage and wrapped a meaty fist around it.

I was well and truly alone now. Everyone I knew — everyone I loved — I had just watched them burn. I went through so many emotions at once; grief, unbridled _fury_ and then… I felt so tired. I was just so damn tired.

I crumpled to my knees before Finn could react quickly enough to catch me, my knees slicing open from the harsh gravel. I barely felt the sting, barely registered that I had dropped the lightsaber that Maz had given me.

Finn dropped to my level, putting a strong arm around me. I couldn’t remember if I had ever told him what my homeworld was but I guess he could figure it out easily enough. I leaned my head on his shoulder, the tears welling up in my eyes but not yet falling.

“I—I thought I had more time,” I told him softly, staring blankly ahead at the dirt. “I thought I could stop it somehow.”

  
  
“This is all the First Order,” Finn tried to comfort me, his hold on my shoulder growing tighter. “You cannot blame yourself for this.”

  
  
He put his hand on my cheek and turned my face to look into his sweet, warm eyes. “I know what you’re thinking. I know you think you’ve failed — but you haven’t. Not yet.”

  
  
“What can we do, Finn?” I mumbled hopelessly. “Look at what they’re capable of. We stand _no_ chance against them.”

Finn shook his head. “I was wrong to think I could just run away. We— there’s no outrunning this. We’re not going to let them get away with it, okay? We’re going to fight this.”

  
  
I didn’t know if I believed him. I didn’t see how we were going to win against them, the battle felt impossible. All I did know was that I was exhausted now — of all of this shit. We were in over our heads.

“Where’s Rey?” I sighed out, looking around for her.

Han appeared from behind me, rubbing his neck from having craned it to stare up at the sky for so long. “She and BB-8 went back to the Falcon to help Chewie. You alright, kid? I know this was a lot but —”

He paused, his face turning ash white as he stared at Finn and I on the ground. He dashed forward, grabbing something off the ground and holding it as if it were a newborn baby.

“Where did you get this?” he barked, his eyebrows crinkling in fury.

“Whoa, is that a lightsaber?” Finn admired, trying to reach for it but Han snatched it away quickly.

“It’s Luke’s,” Han spat, staring at me accusingly. “Where did you get this?"

  
  
“Maz gave it to me,” I said, my voice sounding so meek that even I cringed. I tried to clear my throat as if that would clear the lump in it too. “She said it was calling out to me. It’s… it’s supposed to help guide me to the light.”

  
  
“You can feel the force?” Finn gasped, his eyes going wide.

“She just gave this to you?” Han was furious. “After all the years I knew her… she didn’t think to give it to me?”

“You can have it if you want,” I shrugged, unable to shake the overwhelming feeling of despondency that was washing over me. “I— I’m done with all of this now. I just want to go sleep.”

  
  
“Y/N,” Finn tutted gently. “I know—”

“No you don’t _know_ ,” I snarled, my eyes summoning the tears almost instantly. “None of you _know_ what this is like. Imagine you lose all your family, all your friends at _once_.”

“That was... shit that’s your planet?” Han asked and I had to blink furiously. I couldn’t answer for fear of my voice betraying me. 

Finn just sighed, reaching forward to swipe the tears off my cheek with his thumb. I jerked away from him stubbornly, turning back to frown into the dirt. He was quiet when he spoke.

“You’re forgetting that I was taken from my family. I don’t know them or where I came from or what my real name is — none of it. The First Order took that from me too.” He rested his chin on the top of my head in a brotherly way. “I don’t know if they’re dead… or if they even miss me… or if they let the First Order buy me.”

“I’m sorry Finn,” I apologised, feeling his own anguish and sympathising with it. “That was a shitty thing of me to say.”

He squeezed my hand comfortingly before letting it go. "All I'm really saying is that it sucks. But... you're tough as nails. You'll — we'll help you to get through it."

  
  
Han took a seat beside me next, running his hands up and down the grooves in the lightsaber. “Shit kid, I might not have lost them all at once… but I still lost them.”

Both Finn and I crooked our heads to listen to him, feeling the heartache in his voice. “I had a wife and a son once. I was a shitty husband and an even shittier father. When my son ran away and became… what he is now — it ruined both my wife and I. After I lost him, I lost everything — Luke included.”

  
  
“Is that why you can’t go home?” I asked. “I heard you telling Maz.”

  
  
“Yeah,” he let out a huge sigh, as if expelling the weight of the world. “Every time Leia sees me, she’s reminded of how we failed our son. How she lost a brother, a son _and_ her husband. I don’t… I don’t—”

He coughed then, covering up the crack in his voice and grew silent for a few moments. He ran his fingers over the metal object for another minute before he handed it to me.

“If Maz thinks this belongs with you, then I’m sure she’s right.”  
  
  
  
“I don’t want that,” I mumbled, pushing it away. “I don’t want to do any of this anymore.”

“None of us want to fight a war, kid.” Han placed the saber in my palm and closed my hand over it. He patted my hand gently and offered a sober smile. “But we don’t have a choice. Especially not after that.”

  
  
He pointed upwards but I couldn’t stomach seeing the destruction again, so I trained my eyes on the saber in my lap instead. The pain stirring in my stomach had been appeased only slightly through Finn and Han’s confessions. I didn’t necessarily feel better but I felt understood, which was more than I could’ve asked for at this point.

“Besides,” Finn said, trying to muster up a small smile as he nudged me with his shoulder. “You didn’t lose _all_ of your friends.”

I tried to mirror his smile but I could feel how wobbly it was. “Thanks Finn. Both of you. Really… I just… thanks.”

“Let’s get you back to the Falcon,” Han offered, trying to lighten the mood. “We’ll make you something to drink, preferably with a little alcohol and —”

He was cut off by a sudden blast and the roaring of tinny engines. All three of us sprang up instantly, people screaming ballistically all around us as they avoided the rubble falling from overhead.

TIE Fighters were raining down from the sky, blasting Maz’s castle and having it collapse into ruins. People were rushing out of the building, frantically scrambling all around us.

Massive freighters started to land, Stormtroopers piling out of them like a line of ants. They lifted their blasters, shooting red beams at anything and everything.

The First Order had arrived.

“We have to get out of here!” Finn hissed as we hid behind a pillar. He yanked me out of the path of a falling stone and I thanked him.

The wrath of the First Order had Finn's hands shaking with fear. 

“We can get back to the Falcon if we go through that path there,” Han said pointing, trying to remain calm and decisive. Which was good, because I'm pretty sure Finn and I were dissolving into a fit of anxiety.

Han paused, squinting as he stared at something. “What the kriff is Chewie doing?”

The Wookie, obviously having seen all the commotion, was running toward us with his crossbow in hand.He slid under the piece of wreckage we had been hiding behind, handing Han a gun and cocking his bow into place.

“We needed you by the Falcon!” Han said exasperatedly.

The Wookie made a series of noises that I didn’t understand and Han just rolled his eyes.

“Well I do appreciate the gun and the help, thank you,” he replied, “but you could’ve been starting up the engines in the meantime.”

“Where’s Rey?” Finn asked, looking around frantically. “And could you not have gotten a gun for me too maybe?”

  
  
The Wookie said something quickly and Han translated for us: “he said that Rey has the other blaster and that she should be waiting near the Falcon for us.”

I felt an icy twist in the back of my head and gasped, feeling as if my brain had suddenly frozen inside of my skull. The saber cluttered to the ground again as my hands flew to cradle my head and Finn clutched my arm to stabilise me. Han bent to pick the saber up and breathlessly asked if I was alright. After a few seconds, the icy feeling passed as if it had never even happened.

“What’s happening?” Finn was almost hysterical.

“She’s not waiting by the Falcon,” I murmured.

“What?” Han looked at me closely, his fingers gripping the saber tighter. “How do you know that?”

I didn’t hear him, turning around and looking into the woods instead. I felt strange, as if everything was really far away from me now.

“Kylo has Rey,” I whispered.

_“Who?”_ Han wheezed but I wasn’t listening. I couldn’t hear anything anymore — not even the sounds of the blasters, the ships or the screaming. It was all in the distance for me, barely echoing enough for my ears to register.

Before anyone could even react to stop me, I was dashing out from behind the cover and sprinting straight into the bushes. Through sheer miracle of the universe, not a single blast hit me as I vanished into the woods.

I didn’t know how I knew which direction to run or what route to take; I was just running.

But I knew who I was running toward.

I jerked to a halt when I saw him, ducking to hide behind a tree. From this angle, I could see only the back of him and even though he was clad in thick layers of robes — I could’ve told him apart in a heartbeat. Speaking of which, my pulse was hammering through my veins as adrenaline flooded my bloodstream.

I could see Rey perfectly but she wasn’t moving a muscle. What was wrong with her? I frowned before I realised that Kylo was holding her in place.

“The droid,” Kylo spoke, walking behind her and igniting his red lightsaber. “Where is it?”

  
  
The blade hummed as he thrust it upwards intimidatingly, making both Rey and I flinch. He positioned the blade so that it stopped just before her neck. “And the girl.”

My mouth went dry as I grasped that he was asking after me as well.

He circled her, his hand thrusting outwards toward her face. Rey scrunched up her features, gasping in pain from whatever he was doing to her. He was trying to read her mind.

“Don’t hurt her Kylo!” I yelled, darting toward them.

He spun in surprise, the lightsaber hissing as it cut through the air. He lowered his weapon as he saw it was just me and I clearly posed no threat.

His shoulders relaxed and I just knew that behind the helmet he was smiling smugly. Bastard.

“There you are, _sweetheart_ ,” he taunted me, his voice dripping with mockery.

“Shut up,” I snapped. “Do not call me that.”

Before when he called me that, my heart would turn to mush inside of me. Now, it felt like it had turned to ash.

I mentally face-palmed when I realised I had left Luke’s lightsaber back with Han. I had no weapon, no defence against Kylo and no idea what to do now. I couldn’t believe that something had possessed me to run here blindly. What did I think I could do here? Negotiate better terms of my capture?

“Let her go,” I demanded, trying not to be intimidated by his hulking presence. I had almost forgotten just how tall he really was, how much those muscles rippled every time he moved. I wanted to punch him in the face.

“Are you not happy to see me?” he smirked, rolling his wrist so that his lightsaber crackled.

I tried to move forward to get to Rey but Kylo blocked my path. I stepped back instead, staring him down.

“Fuck you,” I swore him. “This is between us, let her go.”

  
  
“I will,” he bargained, “when you and that droid are boarding my ship.”

  
  
“I’d rather die than go back with you,” I snarled. “You might as well run me through right now.”

“That's enough, I tire of your ongoing tantrum,” Kylo hissed, pointing the saber to me as he spoke. He de-ignited it but still used the metal rod to gesture with. “The Supreme Leader has graciously agreed to show you mercy in exchange—”

“My _tantrum_?” I screeched. “You asshole — how _dare_ you!”

“ **Y/N** ,” Kylo warned through gritted teeth. My name coming out of his mouth only made me more furious. 

“You blew up my planet!” I continued, my nails biting into the flesh of my palms as I clenched my fists harder. Oh, I was going to punch him for sure. "Did you forget about that? Why don't you look _up_ , Kylo."

“How many times must I tell you that I didn’t give that order?” Kylo growled.

“But you followed it,” I countered, “didn’t you?”

“Of course I did, Y/N,” he said irritably, “because some of us recognise the authority of our superiors and know our place.”

“So you’ll just do whatever Snoke tells you to do?”

“Yes. He is my master.”

  
  
“And if he decides that I’m worthless and he tells you to kill me?”

Kylo hesitated, then straightened his back in defiance. “He will not order that.”

  
  
“But if he does?” I snapped, “you’ll kill me Kylo?”

“Enough Y/N, I don’t have time to entertain you like this. Where is the droid?”

  
  
I tried not to let my heart sink into my toes from his lack of an answer. I don’t know what I expected really. For him to tell me that he actually cared about me? Yeah, I had a better chance of finding Luke kriffing Skywalker myself.

From the way Kylo’s entire body tensed, I knew what mistake I had made.

“The map,” he spoke slowly. “You’ve seen it.”

I didn't get to answer because a Stormtrooper appeared from the bushes then, startling me when he spoke. 

“Commander Ren,” he announced, “Resistance fighters are here. We need more troops”

  
  
“Pull the division out. Forget the droid,” he instructed before he turned back to me, his fists relaxing. “We have what we need.”

  
  
The Troopers retreated back where they had come, leaving the three of us alone again. I shook my head at him, figuring out what he meant by that.

“I am not coming with you,” I said defiantly, shaking my head. “You’ll have to take my corpse back—”

“There is no need for such dramatics,” he was chuckling, knowing he had won. I couldn't exactly overpower him and he was well aware of that. 

“You can either walk by yourself,” he took a step toward me, standing just within arms reach. “Or I will carry you.”

“What about Rey?” I mumbled, looking over his shoulder at where she was still frozen. I felt defeated, finding myself wishing that Finn or literally anyone would appear to save me.

“If you come quietly, I will let her go.”

  
  
I couldn’t stop the tears welling in my eyes, feeling that overwhelming exhaustion from earlier catching up to me again as the hopelessness of my situation sank in. Finn had been wrong; I couldn’t keep fighting, not when I was so kriffing tired.

“Fine,” I nodded weakly, giving in.

“Do not behave like that,” he chided. “Don't act like you're not secretly pleased to be back with me."

"You're literally kidnapping me and taking me back to face a tyrannical psychopath," I snarled. 

  
  
"You don't understand," Kylo said lowly, "you are strong with the force, you just have no idea how to use your gift. I can help you access your full potential and show you the true power of the dark side.”

“I don’t care about any of that,” I rolled my eyes.

“You and I can rule the galaxy together, Y/N,” he advocated, stepping forward. “We will be the most powerful beings in the universe, I can feel it."

“I will never rule shit with you,” I spat.

"Why do you think we're connected?" Kylo's voice was dropping into that rumbly octave of his. "Because we're one and the same. That's why you keep coming back to me, why I keep hearing your thoughts. You're mine and I'm—"

But I couldn't hear the end of that sentence, couldn't deal with what it'd do to me. "I am nothing like you. I _hate_ you."

“We both know that’s a lie,” he snapped, coming closer to me and I could tell that his frustration was growing from my insolence. “Even though you ran away like a spoilt child, I could still hear how much you missed me.”

  
  
“Stop it, Kylo.”

  
  
“Could hear you thinking about me constantly when you were running away,” he carried on, moving until he was right in front of my body. “Pining for me.”

“I _said_ , stop it. I don’t want to listen to any of this.”

He tried to put one of his big gloved hands on my shoulder but I swatted it away in anger. “You were wishing that I had run away with you, weren’t you? Wishing that I would find you, change my mind and fly away with you, right? Because whether you like it or not, you're mine.”

  
  
“No, I'm not! Shut up!”

“What was it that you told that other engineer?” He smirked, thoroughly enjoying the fact that he was making fun of me now. ‘I have to admit, even I was surprised to hear your thoughts when you realised that you loved me—”

_“GET OUT OF MY HEAD KYLO!”_ I screamed, thrusting both of my hands out and hitting his chest.

As soon as my palms made contact with him, it was like a bomb had gone off and Kylo _hurtled_ backward like a bullet. I stumbled, trying to regain my footing and gasping at what I had just done. 

I was panting, feeling like I had just ran a marathon. I couldn't even begin to understand what had happened — more importantly, what had happened because of _me_. 

The explosion that I had caused had flung Kylo completely out of my sight and into the bushes somewhere. I stared down at my own hands, wobbling as I suddenly felt lightheaded. I had felt this energy surge through me, fuelled by my rage and my grief.

Rey now free of Kylo's grasp, crumpled to her hands and knees and snapped me out of my thoughts.

I jerked toward her, grabbing her arms to help her up. 

“Come on,” I urged her, “before he comes back!” 

Rey and I dashed into the woods, my limbs screaming from the over-exertion of today. I pushed myself to run harder, ignoring the stitch building in my stomach. 

“What the kriff WAS that?” Rey panted, sweat beading at her forehead. “What did you just _do_?”

”I—I don’t know,” I said breathlessly, holding my abdomen. “Let’s just find the Falcon and get _out_ of here.” 

We ducked when we heard the sounds of engines and saw the TIE Fighters retreating. The First Order was pulling out due to Kylo’s Command. 

“There!” Rey said, pointing to where the Falcon was sitting. 

We pushed past the bushes and I felt like I could cry when I saw Finn and Chewie pacing anxiously. 

Finn’s head picked up as soon as he noticed us, his face brightening into a smile. 

“The Resistance is landing soon!” Han said, emerging from the woods. “We can ask them to send some troops after Y/N! They’ll have to find her and Rey—”

He stopped dead when he saw us. “What happened? Are you both alright?”

“We need to leave now,” Rey said urgently. “He might be right behind us.”

"Who?' Han asked, a slight tinge of urgency lining his voice.

"Kylo Ren," I wheezed, boarding the Falcon behind Rey. "He's coming after me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and come after you he does ;)


	24. Ben Is Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You escaped Kylo’s clutches once. But you won’t escape again.

I only felt the smallest amount of relief when Han told me that BB-8 had been handed over to the Resistance and was on his way to their base currently. At least one thing had gone right today. However, everything else was about to go to shit.

As soon as Han and Chewie had forced the Falcon into hyperdrive and we were soaring away from Takodana, everyone rounded on me in an instant. I wrung my wrists nervously, hating the way Rey was looking at me. 

A few moments of silence settled over the room before everyone erupted into chaos, speaking simultaneously. All of their words directed at me.

“What just _happened_?”

“Listen kid, you don’t just go running out into the middle of battlefields like that!”

“How did you even know that Commander— I mean, that _he_ had Rey?”

“You could’ve gotten yourself killed!”

“You threw him… how did you do that?”

“Do you think he’s coming after us now?"

Eventually Chewie let out a curt roar, shutting the room up instantly. He walked forward, his arms crossed in irritation before he said something to Han that had his face paling. He looked even more worried than I did right now.

“Um, Chewie wants to know what happened… when you saw Kylo Ren,” Han muttered awkwardly. I had a feeling that Chewie wasn’t the one who really wanted to know but I didn’t say anything.

Rey squared her shoulders, speaking first. “Y/N, what he said about the two of you being connected—-”

“Wait what? You two are _what_?” Han asked quickly.

Finn looked as if his eyes were about to roll back in his head and he was going to collapse onto the floor.

I didn’t want to say anything too hastily — trying to phrase it in my head so that I didn’t come off as guilty as I probably seemed. I needed them to understand that I would never do anything to betray them.

“It’s complicated,” I tried to placate Rey who looked like she was ready to throw me off the ship and into outer space. “But it’s not what it looks like.”

  
  
“Are you still working for the First Order?” Finn asked hoarsely, his hands gripping the edge of the pilot’s chair as if it would ground him.

“No of course not!” I answered bluntly. “If I was, why would I have run away with you in the first place?”

  
  
Finn furrowed his brows, “yeah, but when you told me you wanted to go, you forgot to mention that COMMANDER _KRIFFING_ REN would be personally hunting you down!”

“I had to get away from the First Order the same as you!” I snapped, pointing at him accusingly. "He was going to expose me to the Supreme Leader."

“No wait, _how_ are you two connected?” Han insisted, his voice becoming stern and demanding. “What does that even _mean_?”

Rey was still looking at me distrustingly, as if I had just smacked a baby in front of her. “He said something about Y/N being his. How they could rule the galaxy together.”

“Rule with him? So you _are_ working for the—” Finn started again but I interrupted him before he could even finish that train of thought.

“ _No_ ,” I said angrily, my patience wearing thin. “If I was working for him, why would I be here Finn? Honestly, I’ve seen Luke’s map. I have the information that he needs somewhere in my head so wouldn’t I have just let him kill Rey and _left_ with him?”

  
  
I turned to Rey then, addressing her directly. “I wouldn’t have bothered to come rescue you, Rey. But I did and I risked having him capture me and… and _stars_ , I don’t know how else to convince you guys that I’m not one of them. But I’m not, I swear.”

I sighed, trying not to let my voice wobble. Seeing Kylo had shaken me up more than I wanted to admit. I had been feeling our link building steadily, becoming stronger despite my prayers that it would just fade away. Now after I had actually seen him again, it was like he had set my skin alight and just the thought of him had me blazing brightly.

What had I done to him?

“How are you… ‘his’?” Han was fixated on one thing and one thing only, leaning forward in his chair intently. “Like you’re his slave?”

  
  
“No,” I shook my head. “He just meant that he’s in my head and I’m… I’m kind of in his too.”

I hated being on trial like this, being treated as if I were the enemy. “I can also feel his emotions when they get too intense… I don’t really know what this link is between us. I don’t understand it and I’m pretty sure neither does he.”

Finn looked like he was about to faint. “ _What the_ —”

“Kylo Ren,” Han demanded. “You’re _sure_ it’s him?”

  
  
I shrugged, “I mean there’s only one isn’t there?”

Han looked about as stricken as Finn did at this point. Did nobody trust me anymore? Fuck you Kylo, you’re taking everything away from me and I have nothing as it is.

I obviously didn’t realise it right then, but Han and Finn were worrying about two completely different things. Chewie leaned over and said something to Han again that had him scratching at his grey stubble unsurely.

“Chewie trusts you, kid,” Han mumbled after a moment of contemplation. “But I’m still confused. He can read your mind?”

  
  
“Can’t he read everyone’s?” Finn muttered.

“Yes, if he wants to,” I told him. “But it’s different with us. He doesn’t choose to read my thoughts — he sometimes just _does_.”

“So you have no control over it?” Rey mumbled.

I shook my head in answer.

“But you also hear whatever he thinks?” Han asked, sharing glances with Chewie. “We have to get you back to the Resistance. We finally might be able to have the upper hand against the First Order.”  
  
  


“I don’t know how much help I can be,” I sighed out pathetically. “It’s not like I hear anything useful — just… just snippets.”

If only they knew that all I heard from Kylo was whenever his thoughts pertained to me. If they were particularly interested in his hurt and anger toward me… then they were definitely coming to the right person. But secrets of the dark side? Yeah, not so much.

“Leia will teach you how to hear more,” Han nodded decisively, turning back to the console and flicking a few switches. “This could change everything.”

Han and Chewie began talking amongst themselves, redirecting the ship to take another course. Rey came toward me then, pulling me off into the side of the room so that she could talk privately with me.

“What Ren was saying…” Rey trailed off slowly and I already knew what concerned her before she even had a chance to voice it.

“I don’t feel like that anymore,” I lied. “It’s… I hate him.”

Rey looked unsure and I wondered if she could see through my facade.

“There’s something more about the two of you,” Rey mumbled to me. “The way you looked at him… I don’t think even you realised it.”

  
  
“What are you talking about?”

Rey took a glance to the side where the three men were standing but they were too distracted and not paying us any attention. She turned back to me and in a hushed voice said —

“You weren’t scared of him. When he caught me… I was terrified. But you… you didn’t even flinch.”

“I’ve been around him longer than you have and I’m just used to how he is, I guess.”

“You don’t just get used to _that_ ,” Rey snapped. “There’s an anger inside that man. You can tell he’ll do anything he can to get what he wants. Everyone is _expendable_ to him. What makes you any different to him?”

“It’s complicated, Rey,” I tried to explain. “I just know that he won’t hurt me. I don’t think he can.”

  
  
“Because you’re… you’re _his_? Whatever the kriff that means.”

“Well… well yeah. I don’t know why — but I trust him with me.” I felt stupid explaining myself to her. “It’s just a gut feeling.” 

“I—I hope you’re right,” Rey said softly, her cheeks colouring with embarrassment. “I’m sorry... about the way I acted just now. It’s not that I don’t trust you but—”

”But this is weird and you’re scared,” I finished for her. “I get it.”

Rey nodded awkwardly, “so... does it hurt when he pokes through your head? When he did it to me even for those few seconds, it felt like he had lodged a knife in the back of my skull.”

I told her no. “I can’t really feel it. That’s why I don’t know when he’s listening and when he’s not.”

“But... but that means he could hear anything? Every plan we have, anywhere we go — if you think about it and he hears...”

I swallowed uneasily, “that’s why I’m trying not to think about it.” 

“Will that work?” she asked. 

“I’ve managed to keep secrets from him before,” I shrugged, praying that I wouldn’t be a liability.

“Hopefully you can again,” Rey sighed, unable to hide the fear that was bleeding into her features. She offered a small smile, trying to reassure me but I suppose herself too. “Thank you for coming to help me.” 

I tried to mirror her smile but mine wobbled more than hers. I was about to say something more to her when the ship suddenly stalled, sending both of us stumbling. I caught myself on the wall and held myself up whereas Rey had just fallen completely onto the metal grating.

“Hey _guys_ ,” Finn shouted from the cockpit, his voice starting to quake. 

Rey and I exchanged worried looks before rushing up to the front of the ship. Nothing about this situation could be good.

Han and Chewie were frantically switching gears, switching different things on and speaking quickly to each other. The ship had been pulled from hyperdrive unexpectedly which luckily had not resulted in an engine override. 

“The Falcon isn’t back to hundred percent yet,” Han explained, accessing the compressor so that he could inspect it. “Since you and Chewie didn’t get around to patching up all the... leaks.”

I nudged my way into the small space beside their chairs, pulling up the ship’s holopad to inspect what the actual problem with it was.

”Shit, there’s too much pressure in the lower turbine,” I swore. “We can’t go back into hyperdrive until it’s relieved.” 

"Which means what for us?" Finn asked slowly.

"It means," Han sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. "That we're moving too slowly."

"Too slowly for people who are running from the fucking First Order," Rey groaned, her hand scrunching up her hair anxiously.

"If they're tracking the ship, they'll be able to catch us... in maybe... in the next thirty minutes," I calculated quickly, dropping the hologram of the inner ship's workings. 

_"Thirty minutes?"_ Finn cried out.

"That's not enough time for us to land anywhere," Han said, his brows furrowing in anger. "We‘re basically just floating through space, _waiting_ for them."

Han swore and slammed his palm against the console furiously. Chewie let out a soft sigh of anguish. 

There was no way we were going to escape them. I wasn't delusional; I knew Kylo was chasing me down with everything that he had. Especially now after what I had done to him.

“I’m going to send an alert to the Resistance,” Han planned, typing up a quick distress signal. “Hopefully there’s still some ships close-by.” 

The command shuttle started to beep red after a few moments, the signal having been accepted by someone. Finn gave a sigh of relief, his chest heaving as he blew out a deep breath. 

Han’s eyes lit up instantly. “This is Han Solo of the Millenium Falcon, requesting an immediate rescue.” 

The communication device crackled for a few seconds before a familiar voice resonated through it. 

“This is Poe Dameron, reading you loud and clear.”

Both Finn and I exclaimed, “Poe! Poe! Did he just say—”

”Shhh!” Han said irritable, waving his hand. 

He began reading off the ship’s current co-ordinates. 

“He said Poe right?” I asked Finn, unable to hide the excitement building in my chest. 

“That means Poe’s alright?” Finn was grinning, genuine happiness radiating through his features for what seemed like the first time. “He survived somehow!” 

“BB-8’s master?” Rey queried, a little confused by our sudden excitement. “The one you escaped with?” 

Finn confirmed Rey’s questions. Unfortunately for us, our happiness would not last long.

”Okay,” Han let out the breath he had been holding. “The Resistance is on its way. We now just have to play the waiting game.” 

I felt the same tug in my core, the one from before. It wasn’t as intense as it had been on Takodana but it told me what I needed to know. 

“Oh no,” Rey whispered, having seen the look come across my face. “Oh no no no.”

”What?” Finn asked, his smile fading as he also caught sight of me. 

“Kylo’s tracked the ship,” I coughed out. 

Han let out a series of colourful swears, irritably hitting the console again.

“When are we going to catch a damn break? How long till they get here?”

“I don’t know,” I swallowed. “But soon.” 

“Rey go get your blaster,” Han instructed, standing up and preparing us all. “Finn, where’s Luke’s saber? I saw the way you were using it, you were good. Now you’re going to be better.” 

Han retrieved Chewie’s crossbow and chucked it over to him before he clicked his own blaster into place and sheathed it on his belt. 

“Y/N,” Han turned to me now. “Try and see if you can do _anything_ with the force. I don’t know what you did to get yourself and Rey away from him last time, but try and do it again. Otherwise, go down to the engine rooms and we’ll try hold them till Poe—”

”I don’t think you understand Han,” Finn was shaking. “There’s no _holding_ them! It’s Kylo Ren and his kriffing Knights! We’re... we’re done.” 

“Listen, I know you’re scared,” Han said, trying to put a comforting hand on Finn’s shoulder. “But... But I know Kylo from... from before. I might be able to convince him to—”

“No,” I interrupted, shaking my head. “No it won’t work.” 

“You can’t just give up, kid,” Han said forlornly. “We can—”

“I’m not giving up,” I stated. 

“No Y/N. You can’t be serious,” Rey gaped, realising what I had decided. 

"I'll go with him," I proclaimed. "They want Luke's map... and me... not any of you.” 

"Shut up, don't be stupid," Finn said irritably, glaring at me. "They'll kill you!"

"Finn’s right, we can't ask you to sacrifice yourself like that, kid," Han said solemnly. "We can find another way to get out of this."

"Well you're not _asking_ me to do anything," I said definitively. "No matter where I go, he’s just going to keep hunting me down and I don’t want to put all of you at risk. I’m the only one in this room that he won’t hurt.”

“I don’t like this,” Rey muttered, rubbing his neck. “I feel like we’re sending you into a trap.”

“There’s no other choice,” I told her. “I’ll be fine... probably.” 

What the kriff was Snoke going to do to me? 

“Well unless anyone else has any ideas,” Finn whispered, “please say them now. Because I’m sure they’re here.” 

The ship screeched to a halt, suspended entirely in space by another larger freighter. The feelings of my own apprehension were clouded by sudden anger: Kylo’s anger. 

“I’ll be okay,” I declared to the room quickly, trying to speak that reality into existence. 

The back doors of the ship hissed open, forced open by three hulking men. They stepped into the ship, their boots clunking on the metal grates. 

It was deathly silent suddenly, the sound of their marching echoing through the corridors. My chest clenched painfully, the anxiety building in my stomach just as they came to a menacing stop before us. 

“I’m only going to say this once,” Han snarled, gritting his teeth as he spoke. “Get off my damn ship.”

Han lifted his blaster up and yanked me behind him. Chewie instantly followed Han’s lead, stepping beside him and pointing his crossbow directly at their heads. 

The Knights laughed, before one unleashed a vibrating axe and held it in front of him.

”That’s how you want to play it old man?” he sneered. 

Finn ignited his lightsaber, the glow of it tingeing his skin blue. I noticed how steady his hands were. 

I felt Kylo’s anger bubbling inside of me before I saw him. The second he stepped foot onto the ship, the Knights parted to let him through and he strode slowly toward us, his robes billowing out behind him. 

“Put down your weapons,” he commanded and the Knights instantly complied. Han and Chewie didn’t move. 

I felt something twitch inside Kylo, someone here was unnerving him and it wasn’t me. Who here did he hate this much? Finn? For betraying the Order? 

Han’s response to Kylo was to click the blaster into place, shifting it between his hands. 

“Do not start something you cannot finish,” Kylo hissed, his fists clenching beside him. 

“You heard me.” Han reiterated, “Get. Off. My. Ship.” 

Han’s grip tightened around the blaster. 

Kylo’s hand shot to his hip and with a flash of red, he ignited his lightsaber. He outstretched his arm, pointing the tip of the weapon in Han’s direction. 

“If you want to fight me—” he began but I couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Don’t!” I shouted, pushing past Chewie and walking up to him. “I’m coming with you, okay? Just put it away and let’s go.” 

Kylo hesitated at first but he took a step back, his saber returning to its place on his hip. He waved his hand in the air and the Knights retreated, smirking as they left the ship. I lingered a bit longer, not wanting to follow after them instantly. Kylo might not scare me but his stupid Knights certainly did. 

Kylo stood to the side, angling his head to indicate to me that I had to start walking in front of him. I sighed, turning on my heel and moving.

”No wait,” Han spoke up quickly. “No, she’s not going with you.” 

“ _Han_ ,” I hissed, but Kylo nudged his shoulder into my back in retaliation. 

“Keep moving, Y/N.” 

“Stop,” Han called behind us. “ _Ben_ , I said wait!” 

Kylo stilled but didn’t turn around. I looked behind me at him, saw his shoulders heaving and the way his fists were clenching tightly at his sides. I couldn’t see his face behind the helmet, but I suspected his features were taught with rage. I’d never seen him this worked up before. 

“Ben,” Han began again. “Son—”

Kylo spun around so fast that his robes flew out around him. He thrust his hand forward, sending Han flying off his feet and into the wall. Han smacked against the metal with a _thud,_ falling onto his back.

“Ben is dead,” Kylo snarled, his fury roaring inside of him. “You should know that better than anyone.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiii! i just wanted to apologize for the late update. i hit kind of a rough writer’s block and didn’t know how to navigate this scene properly and in a way i was happy with. 
> 
> BUT, i hope you guys like what i managed to come up with anyway!


	25. You Are My Weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo kidnaps you from the Falcon.
> 
> You and him talk.

Son? 

Had I fucking heard right? 

_Son?_

Han sat up and rubbed his bottom with his hands, trying to alleviate the ache from being thrown so hard on it. He blinked at Kylo, his mouth turning down into an irritable scowl. 

SON?

Han sucked in a deep breath, trying to still his own anxiety. 

“Ben.” 

His voice was quiet but since the room had been plunged into a deathly silence, we all heard him perfectly.

Nobody moved a muscle as Kylo stalked forward, looking exactly like a predator closing in on his prey. As he got closer, Han gestured for everyone to step away and give Kylo a wide berth. 

Upon realising the situation, Chewie cocked his crossbow in response and gave a warning growl as Kylo came near. That growl seemed to wake Finn out of his stupor and his hands tightened around the shaft of his lightsaber. Even Rey lifted her blaster up, aiming it directly at Kylo. All of them were getting prepared to fight. 

Stars, they stood no chance. 

“Move aside all of you!” Han instructed. “Chewbacca put it _down_!” 

“Worried they might just shoot me, Han Solo?” Kylo half chuckled but it had no mirth. It was more condescending than anything. “Go ahead, I dare them to give it their best try.” 

“Nobody do anything!” Han demanded from where he was still sitting on the floor. Chewie didn't drop the crossbow, but he outstretched his arm and herded Finn and Rey a few steps backwards. I helplessly had to stand on the other side of the room, behind Kylo and away from my friends.

Son. Father. Fucking hell, how could I not have seen it before? The way they moved, their expressions — they were the same in all of their mannerisms. 

“We are _not_ ,” Kylo hissed in anger, turning his head slightly to address me. I was still standing behind him, could see the way he straightened his back and squared his shoulders. “I am nothing like this pathetic old man.” 

“Ben, let’s just talk, okay?” Han mumbled from the floor. “Let Y/N go, she doesn't have to suffer for my mistakes.”

Kylo dropped down to squat in front of Han, his figure still hulking over the older man due to his enormous height. It made Han look smaller than he actually was.

“Her future is already decided, she has nothing to do with this,” Kylo spoke emotionlessly. “ _She’s_ who I'm actually here for. You… you are just a detour.”

“I’m not going to let you take her,” Han said forcefully, leaning forward. Kylo almost flinched back, away from Han’s touch but he caught himself at the last second and managed not to move. 

“I’ve been waiting for this day,” Kylo continued as if Han had never spoken. “To see you again after all this time.” He reached for his hip, his fingers curling around the cool silver of his weapon.

"To destroy you," he spoke slowly, making a point not to ignite the saber yet as he pulled it from its holster and held it in front of Han's face. Han cringed instinctively. "The way you destroyed me."

The second Kylo had reached for his weapon, Chewie had bared his teeth in a threat. Now as he watched Kylo gesture toward Han with the dormant weapon, he came forward and pointed the bow right against the side of his helmet. 

Kylo stopped, looking up at the wookie slowly but not at all intimidated by him. Chewie growled a few words and Han’s face paled. I wondered if Kylo could understand what the wookie had said.

“Chewie, _don’t_ ,” Han said softly. “Please, don’t.”

“I’m actually surprised that you’d stop him,” Kylo said, his gaze still angled up at the menacing wookie. “I didn’t expect that you would.”

“Get away from Han, Commander,” Finn announced, coming into a sudden bout of courage. He joined Chewie, reignited his lightsaber and held it tightly between his hands. Rey stayed back out of reach and I watched her close one eye so that she could aim the weapon more accurately.

“The Stormtrooper.”

Kylo clicked his teeth as he spoke, the disdain clearly dripping from his voice as it was unable to be filtered out through the synthesiser. He didn’t even bother to address Rey, probably brushing her off as insignificant to him. "So you're the one who got into Y/N's head."

"He didn’t do anything except open my eyes," I argued. " _You're_ the reason I ran away.”

I caught Finn flinching from my callous tone but I didn’t care; Kylo was no longer my superior. 

I imagined Kylo rolling his eyes under the helmet, "you, I have _plenty_ of time to deal with later. Right now however..."

  
  
Kylo turned back to his father laid out on the floor in front of him. I stopped listening when my eyes caught sight of Han’s blaster sitting on the floor where he had discarded it. If I could only get my hands on it…

I sucked in a deep breath as Chewbacca let out a series of angry roars, trying to focus my mind on something else. I imagined the blaster being tugged by an invisible string toward me, trying to access that pull in my gut that I felt sometimes.

I let out a frustrated sigh when absolutely nothing happened after a few moments.

“Just let me deal with it!” Han screamed at everyone, his tone growing more and more anxious. “Stop pointing weapons at my _son_!” 

Silence settled over the room again, so thick that I felt Finn could’ve easily sliced through it with his saber. 

Meanwhile something primal was stirring in Kylo at those words, something... savage and wild. 

Every time Han spoke, it was just adding kindling to the fire that was brewing in Kylo's core. Now, after what Han had just said — Kylo was burning murderously.

I tried to think back to everything he had told me about his father — which actually wasn’t a lot. He hadn’t opened up to me much about his family or his childhood. 

I just knew it had been bad. 

A series of footsteps made all of us turn our attention toward the door. One of the Knights appeared, addressing Kylo quickly.  
  
  
“Commander, there seems to be an incoming fleet. It’s the Resistance.”

Poe. He was coming for us. Thank whatever being had brought that brilliant man into our lives.

Kylo scowled, “how long do we have until their arrival?”

“Roughly five minutes, Sir. We should leave now as our ship’s already damaged and we won’t be able to withstand a second attack—”

”Alright,” Kylo cut him off, nodding. I was actually surprised by how calm he was. I really would have guessed that he would have erupted into a tantrum. “Take the Engineer on board while I—”

“Do not _touch_ me,” I snarled, unconsciously moving closer to Kylo before the Knight could react. There was no kriffing way I was going anywhere with one of them — let alone stepping foot onto a ship of _just_ the Knights. I knew Kylo was pissed with me but I'd rather take my chances with him.

The Knight obviously ignored me, heeding his Commander’s words instead. He marched forward, his hands outstretched to grab me before he was suddenly _screeching_ in pain.

Rey had lifted her blaster and had shot him clean through the shoulder. Chewie howled in delight but kept his bow trained intently on Kylo’s helmeted skull.

“You heard her,” Rey spoke harshly. “I’d think twice before you try that again. My aim might just miraculously improve.”

The Knight grit his teeth in anger and tried to advance again but Rey shot a warning blast into the ground by his feet, forcing him to jump backward. The Knight reached for his belt, pulling out his axe and having to use his non-dominant hand instead. 

Kylo rose to his feet, his movements tracked all the while by Chewbacca’s bow. He waved his hand dismissively and the Knight glared at Rey before putting the weapon away.

“Go Ushar, I’ll deal with this,” he drawled as if the situation rather bored him. “Prepare the ship for immediate departure.”

Ushar looked at me with a snarl, beckoning me over to him with a calloused hand. No fucking way. I didn't move but Ushar wasn't going to risk walking over to me — not with Rey's blaster pointed at his crotch.

Kylo let out a frustrated sigh, “leave the girl, she’ll come with me anyway.”

I rolled my eyes at his comment but felt my heartbeat ease up with relief that Kylo wouldn’t make me go back to those men alone. Ushar spat a curse at Rey but ultimately he left the Falcon, stepping back onto his own ship and cradling his shoulder in his hand.

The Falcon’s control system started to beep loudly, alerting us that someone was trying to communicate with the ship. Kylo let out a huff of annoyance, realising that it was probably the Resistance trying to engage.

He knew we needed to leave and it came at the sacrifice of his revenge. Honestly, I was impressed that his loyalty to his master outweighed his own inhibitions. Either Snoke really had intenselybrainwashed him or Kylo was truly scared of failing him.

But, it was obvious that he wouldn't risk losing both BB-8 _and_ me again. No, I knew he wouldn't face his master without having successfully completing his mission. 

Even if it meant having to walk away.

He rose, rolling his shoulders forward and staring down at his father for a few more seconds in contempt. I figured if he wasn't wearing his helmet, he would have spat right into Han's face. He pushed Chewie's crossbow out of his way and turned on his heel, his cape flying around him.

”Come Y/N,” he ordered me. A part of me was totally fine with going with him — almost _wanted_ to go with him in fact — but the other, more logical part of me was saying I should put up some kind of fight. 

“Son, listen—” Han began desperately, scrambling to his feet and trying to reach for Kylo’s arm.

“Enough,” Kylo snarled, jerking himself away from his father’s touch completely. “We’ll continue this another time. You’ll get what you deserve then.”

“Are we really just going to let him take her?” Rey said in shock. 

Past Kylo, I could see how terrified everyone else’s faces were. They probably thought that he was going to flay me alive, strip the flesh from my bones or whatever other horrible rumours they had heard about him.

But Kylo was beyond frustrated now and was not interested in my antics any longer. 

He stalked toward me, grabbed my bicep roughly and set his metallic gaze on me. “Must I kill them all first?”

I shook my head. Even I knew better than to argue with him now — I didn’t want to push him into actually doing what he was threatening. He was in a dangerous mood and I honestly didn't know where we stood anymore. 

“No no, I’m coming,” I said quickly. 

I heard Han yell my name in distress. 

“I’ll be okay,” I reassured him but couldn't bring myself to fake a smile. 

Kylo said nothing, but his grip on my arm didn’t falter. He half dragged me out of the room, down the corridor of the Falcon and aboard his own ship. It was almost as if he thought that if he let up his death grip for even a second, then I might just vanish into thin air. 

I tried to pry his gloved fingers off of my arm but they didn’t budge in the slightest. The second the door slid shut, Kylo’s ship detached itself from the Falcon and I heard the engines whirr to life. 

Well, here you are Y/N. Going back to the fucking First Order to face your judgement. Shit.

He pulled me into the ship’s control room, where all of the Knights were busy preparing the ship for hyperdrive. 

“Commander, just in time,” one of them said. “The Resistance fleet is almost in range.” 

“Don’t engage,” Kylo instructed, “let’s just go.” 

I glanced to the corner where a shirtless Ushar was applying a thick layer of salve to the wound in his shoulder. He noticed me and his face scrunched into a snarl, forcing me to dart my eyes away instantly. 

Even though Kylo hadn’t taken a hand off of me, I found myself stepping closer to him anyway. Deep down, I still trusted him. That must’ve been the link between us or something. 

Kylo rattled off a list of instructions and I zoned out after a few seconds, my ears hyper-fixating on the whir of the engines. From what I remembered about my meeting with all the Knights... this ship was already in bad shape. So…

“What about the Engineer?” one of them piped up, a grin starting to creep across his face. 

”What about her?” Kylo asked, his grip on my arm involuntarily tightening.

“Well, we’re going to be in hyperdrive for quite a while before we reach base,” he continued to grin. “I think we’ll need something to pass the time.” 

WHAT? I felt the hair on the back of my neck rise in alarm. 

“Are you kriffing—” I started, the irritation welling up in my system. 

“No,” Kylo said simply. 

Gee, thanks for coming to my rescue there. But at least he hadn’t thrown me to the wolves. Stars, these men were making me so uncomfortable. 

The one who had spoken lost his grin and sighed in irritation. Kylo released me and moved toward the cockpit, speaking to whoever was in charge of piloting the ship. 

I resisted the urge to follow behind him like a little lost puppy. Instead I awkwardly stood in the middle of the room, rubbing my arm where Kylo had held me. 

I found myself listening to the engines again, and started thinking about sabotaging the ship. I mean if anyone would know how — wouldn't it be me? If I could get this ship to stall completely in space, I could prolong my impending doom of having to face the Supreme Leader. It was already pretty banged up so hopefully it wouldn’t be too much of a feat.

Plus, maybe Han would get the Resistance to track this ship and they would come to my rescue. It was a solid enough plan, I supposed. It was certainly better than just rolling over and giving up — the least I could do was become a massive inconvenience. 

Now if I could just slip away and find the engine rooms...

”Okay good, then get on that,” Kylo’s voice rang through the room as he addressed another one of the Knights. He checked on a few more things before he nodded curtly and strode across the room. "Nobody bother me unless it’s urgent.” 

He pointed at me just as he started to leave. “You, come with me. Now.” 

A few of the Knights smirked to each other and made crude gestures to me. I rolled my eyes and followed behind Kylo quickly, not wanting to be there any longer.

In their heads, they probably thought Kylo was going to torture me. In my head... well, maybe he would. I had no idea what the kriff he planned to do with me. 

Kylo did not wait or check to see if I was following, instead he was walking so quickly through the corridors that I had to actually jog to keep up. 

“Where are we going?” I asked him a little breathlessly, cursing his long legs. He didn't even bother to answer me.

He stopped suddenly and I almost ploughed right into his back. He typed in a quick code into the panel and a silver door slid open.

”Get in,” he demanded roughly. I slipped past him through the door, trying to ignore the flutter of wings in my stomach. I was pleasantly surprised that he had taken me to his room.

Kylo’s quarters aboard his ship were almost identical to his quarters back at base. Everything was neat and tidy, with not a single thing out of place. The same black silk sheets were stretched over a large bed in the corner of the room and it was _calling_ out my name. If I wasn’t so unsure of how upset Kylo was with me, I would’ve instantly thrown myself against the mattress.

I turned slowly to face him as he waved the door shut, the lock clicking into place. This was the first time we’d been alone since that fight we had had in his room. That felt like ages ago now and I almost couldn't believe that I had once been so intimate with the man who stood before me. ~~That I had been in love~~.It was like comparing two different people — the one here with me now was cold, distant and hurt.

A pang shot through me and I felt myself wanting to go back to when things were easier. Waking up to those strong arms curled around me had been a kind of heaven that I had relished. But now things were so complicated...

At this second, I couldn't tap into his emotions anymore and I silently cursed the unpredictability of my powers. Now they decided to just turn off? Now when I desperately needed to know how _he_ felt? To know just how much shit I was in?

”You will stay here,” Kylo demanded, clasping his hands behind his back as he spoke. I had to make myself look away from the way his robes bulged around his arms. Get a grip of yourself Y/N.

“Why do you want me—”

”Oh, would you prefer to go back outside?” Kylo snapped at me angrily, making me flinch slightly from his rough tone. “I'm sure the Knights would love-”

” _No_ ,” I blurted quickly, my eyes darting back to focus on him. “No. I’ll stay here.”

Kylo let out a huff of anguish. "Fine then."

_I don’t trust the Knights with her._

“You think they’ll disobey you?” I mumbled. 

Kylo didn't speak for a few moments and I realised he was recovering from the shock of having me read his thoughts.

"No, they won't," he answered after a while. "But I still don't want them near you."

”Um. Thank you.” I felt a little awkward. He was being nice to me — as nice as he was capable of anyway — and it felt a little strange. I truly thought we would just erupt into a screaming match.

"They make you worked up. So if they set your powers off or anything," he continued to explain, "I don't want a fight to break out."

I nodded, understanding his reasoning and trying not to let my heart deflate too much that he hadn’t done it out of protectiveness. Fuck, why did I even care? Didn’t I hate him?

"What are you going to do with me now?" I asked.  
  
  
  
Kylo answered simply, “I’m going to extract the map to Luke Skywalker from your memories.” 

“Is that going to hurt?” I queried, remembering that Rey had told me it had been a painful experience for her. 

“Maybe... if you resist. I am hoping that because of our...” he paused, unsure how to phrase it. “...because of our _connection_ , that it will be easier.” 

I didn’t outright want to just comply with everything that he wanted from me. I certainly didn’t want to help the First Order at all.

I rubbed the back of my neck uneasily as I mumbled, “and what if I say no?”

Kylo let out a bitter laugh. “What do you expect me to do? Treat you differently because I’ve fucked you? Because we have some kind of bond? You’re a prisoner, Y/N. You’re lucky I haven’t—”

”Okay stop it,” I cut him off, not wanting to hear his sour words any longer. I looked away from him again, trying to swallow past the lump forming in my throat.   
  


I wasn’t going to cry in front of him but a lot had happened to me in the last few hours. My grief was still fresh and his harsh tone wasn’t helping. 

But he was right: what had I expected? For him to fall to his knees and comfort me? Fuck, I was so naïve. Just being back in his presence had me melting all over again and I hated how spineless he could render me. He was not my friend, if anything he was my enemy. I needed to understand that.

Kylo growled, "you're the one who made it abundantly clear that you want nothing to do with me. Now you want me to—"

"To care? Yeah, a little. I want you to care about something that matters for once," I spat back. He balled his hands into fists by his sides, letting out a curse.

“I _did_ care,” he snarled, making me snap my eyes back to him and I watched his entire body tense in fury. “Why do you think I kept sending the Knights to negotiate with the New Republic? Why I, _myself_ went to negotiate?”

He stomped forward, stopping just a few inches away from me.

“After I found out it was your planet, I did whatever I could to get them to sign a treaty — to convince the New Republic to join us so that the Supreme Leader would spare Hosnian Prime instead of turning them into an example. That’s why I was always going to meetings about your planet.”

His body was almost shaking in fury and I couldn’t help that my eyes were widening from his confession. 

“I sent everyone I could,” he carried on, his tone sharper than ever. “I did whatever I could do. They did not want to accept an alliance with the First Order, no matter what I did.”

I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks before I realised that I was crying. The pain of losing my planet was too raw and I hadn’t even had enough time to process it yet. Now to hear that Kylo had tried to stop its destruction… it was a little too overwhelming. I didn’t know how to feel about him. I wiped them away with the back of my sleeve. 

”You can blame me as much as you want if that’ll make you feel better,” he finished, his shoulders dropping as he exhaled. “But even _I_ cannot stop a direct order from the Supreme Leader. When he could see my efforts were in vain, he gave the command and we had to follow. That is the way things are, not all of us just run away when things get hard.”

”Why would you —” I began, sniffing slightly. 

“Because it was _your_ planet,” he repeated but a little more gruff than he intended. “After I found that out... I don’t know why I felt so compelled to protect your feelings... but I did. It must have been our stupid bond influencing me or the fact that we were… whatever it doesn’t matter.” 

I wanted to run toward him, bury my face in his chest and sob until the pain in my core subsided. He seemed so sincere — his actions to protect me so genuine that I felt myself wanting to just put everything aside. I didn’t move though, just continued to stare bewildered at him through my blurry eyes. 

He must’ve felt my pain because he eased up a little, his fists uncurling by his sides. He let out a huge sigh, his irritation visible in the way he moved.

“I will allow for you to... calm down,” he muttered out awkwardly. “I’ll return in an hour to retrieve the map from you.”

He spun on his heel, turning to leave through the door. I felt the life return to my body, the shock subsiding as I realised he was going. I didn’t want him to leave just yet, not when I was so full of conflicting emotions.

I wanted to hate him, to have that hatred for him fill up every other aspect in my body and prevent me from feeling anything else for him. But I couldn’t — and I didn’t hate him — it was like an ongoing battle within myself.

I swiped my hand through the air and the door slammed shut with a _clang_ before Kylo could slip through it. He slowly turned around to face me, his body language expressing the surprise that was probably painted on his face behind the helmet.

“What—” he started but I was already rushing forward. I had to balance myself on my tiptoes as I reached up to his head.

He clasped my wrists quickly in each of his massive hands, stopping me from pressing the little buttons that would take off his helmet.

“What are you doing?” he demanded but he wasn’t angry anymore, just really confused by my actions.

“I want to see you,” I breathed out, leaning my chest onto his for balance. Stars, what the fuck was I doing? I didn’t care anymore though, after everything that had happened to me — I deserved to just give into what I really wanted for once.

“No. Let go of me now.”His breath hitched in his throat and he tightened his hold on my wrists until they ached.

I told him, “you’re the one holding me,” and wriggled my wrists in his grip to emphasise my words.

He didn’t say anything — and he didn’t move away either. The two of us just stood there, staring at each other and I did my best to imagine what face he was making behind that stupid helmet. I sighed, wobbling slightly as I continued to balance on the balls of my feet.

I could still move my hands though as it was only my wrists that he had caught in his iron-grip. I stretched my fingers out, trying to reach the little grooves on the sides of his helmet. He didn’t let go of me but he didn’t try and stop me this time.

I grinned in success when the panels started to move and slide over each other, hissing slightly as they loosened. He let me go then, his arms falling to his sides limply, so I took the opportunity to pull it off and toss it on the bed behind us.

I swallowed when my eyes found his and wanted to run my hands through all those soft black curls that were cascading around his face, now free of their metallic prison.

“I thought you said that you hated me,” he uttered to me softly, his pupils dilating as he spoke.

“I’m supposed to,” I said truthfully, sighing and dropping back onto my heels. I stepped away slightly, as if only now realising what I was doing. “I _want_ to hate you. I thought I did until you caught me…”

Hating him had been so plausible when I didn’t have to actually be anywhere near him. I could make him out to be a monster, a vicious beast and nothing would dispute any of those claims because he wasn’t there to contradict them. However, now that he was back with me — after what he had just told me?

I could lie to everyone else but not to myself. Ever since I had started hearing his thoughts and feeling his emotions… I felt closer to him now than ever before. I felt like I understood him better than anyone else and vice-versa.

“But this,” I continued, gesturing between our bodies. “I don’t know… being back here with you… you just feel so right.”

For a while, nothing was said and I just studied every feature of his face, waiting patiently for him to reply.

His blinked and reached out to put his fingers under my chin, tipping my head up to meet his gaze. “You are my weakness.”

“What?”

"You make me weak." He moved his hand to cup my cheek in his leathered hand. I found myself unknowingly leaning into the touch, wanting him closer. "Ever since I heard your voice in my head that first time... I have been yours."

New tears were welling in my eyes and I reached out to ball his robes in my hands.

“That’s why the Supreme Leader wants to see you. Because I am not supposed to form affiliations with anyone — to be attached to anyone — it goes against my training. It is actually forbidden by both the dark and light sides of the force. I am meant to be loyal to my master only, to heed his instructions without question and not be distracted by… you.”

Fear stirred in my stomach as my mind ran wild with ideas. I mumbled, “then to ensure you don’t have a weakness anymore, wouldn’t he just kill —”

“He will not hurt you,” he interrupted, knowing where I was going. “Because of our bond… I think he knows that if anything happens to you then I will be…”

I almost would have laughed at the audacity of him if I wasn’t so torn up with emotions. “What, sad?”

“No.” He was curt and my heart dropped a little from the confession. As if sensing my disappointment, (which he probably did) he tapped the underneath of my chin with his fingers to get my attention.

“It is more than that. I will be… indisposed,” he admitted slowly.

I frowned at him in confusion. What the kriff does that mean?

“I am not meant to have a connection like this,” he tried to explain, the frustration clear on his features that he couldn’t find the right words. “To have you. We are clearly linked through the force which explains why… why I can’t get you out of my head. Whether I like it or not - which I don’t by the way… you are important to me.”

  
  
Shit. I wanted to just tell him that everything was cool between us and have him scoop me up and hold me already. But I knew exactly what was stopping me — the same thing that had made me run away in the first place.

“Ky,” I said in a low voice, shaking my head and trying to pull away from him. “I don’t want to work for—”

“The Supreme Leader will change your mind,” he said quickly, reaching out to hold my shoulders in his hands so that he could properly advocate his cause. “He will most likely make you my apprentice, like I told you he would. We…”

I already knew what he had failed to utter, what he couldn’t bring himself to say into the open air.

We could be together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii! sorry for the delay between chaps, i've just been having hectic writers block lately.
> 
> so to make up for it, i wrote you guys over 5000 words for this chap and i hope you like the fluff! let me know what you thought 
> 
> anyways, FUNNNNN things happening next chap, if you catch my drift ;)


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